So many chances

[jblue]

I'm with an older man and have been for a year now. He lies a lot and likes to bend the truth no matter how many times I say it hurts me. I always do what he likes, like blocking guys he doesn't want me talking to or refusing rides from my male co workers even if it's freezing out and I still have to walk home. He's an alcoholic, a smoker, a pill taker. He's a dad but not allowed to see his daughter. He's been to jail for weed and he doesn't have a steady job either. He's done things in the past that other people might've never forgave and, because of that, I did also. He would flirt with co workers and call me crazy saying it wasn't flirting. He promised he would stop and would break that promise, then remake it four times over and over again. That's a lot of it. Broken promises and lies. He connects people with drug dealers he knows. I've lent him so much money he promised to pay back, paid a small portion back and never paid most of it. He would make plans with me and blow me off for friends. Saying he would be gone for 3 hours then was gone the whole night. I've cried so much over this guy. He's asked for nudes from a girl he flirted with, his co worker, when i left him once. What's wrong with that is that he was trying to get back with me the whole time promising he wasn't talking or messaging anyone or flirting. I never believe him anymore. I try to tolerate it. I found out the nudes thing the day I got back with him. We were on a date and I asked to see his phone. He had gotten a message while I was looking and it was a video from someone under a weird codename like Jman. He said it was just his cousin, then the video she sent came and he flipped out. He literally wrestled it from my hands in the restaurant, clawing me in the process(still have the scar) just so I couldn't see the video. He deleted the video and gave it back to me. I looked through his photos and found nude pictures. He claimed it was porn, which he also promised to not look at. I broke up with him and called my mom to pick me up while he threw my stuff out onto the street. Everytime I leave him he begs for me back. He visits my work, my house, to see me and talk to me. When I tell him no, he cusses me out and has even wished that I would get hit my car before. Why do I keep going back? He can be so mean. He's my first adult relationship. I don't know if I should stay because I love him or leave because I deserve so much better. That's what all my family and friends say. That I deserve so much better. They all hate him. I don't really have a good friend though. I have no one to really talk to. Even when I forgive everything and I put everything into our relationship, I'm still sad and unsatisfied. I wasn't happy before him either. I don't think I can be happy. I don't believe in a happy relationship either. I don't have any good friends because my mom has always moved us to a different place by the time I get them or start them. I don't smoke, take pills, do drugs, i drink once a week, I have a steady but low paying job, I hate lying and being lied to. I hate it so much. He makes everything my fault. Whenever I have a problem with anything, he says I'm being dramatic or sensitive or I'm just trying to start a fight. When i type even some of this out, I realise I should've left him so long ago. But, I always stay and come back because, when he chooses to, he can make me very happy. When he's kind, considerate, when he lives like he wants to advance in life. Leaving is hard and I'll be so lonely like before but even now I'm lonely even when he's next to me.

[Bradwin]

I think you're still with him because you don't want to be alone. However, you might never get the person you deserve until you leave him. Being with him closes the door to other guys to approach you. So, the very moment you leave him, you will open the opportunity for the right man to come to you.

You need to realize you are in a toxic relationship and breakup with him immediately and never get back together with him again.

[Judith]

You feel like a victim of your life choices. I am sure that you are looking for a solution to get out of this confusing, hurtful situation.

You feel like a victim in your painful life. So, you must have a history of painful memories, beliefs, and emotions. You carry them all your life. Unfortunately, you are unaware of them as they stay on a deep unconscious level of your mind. This is haunting your mind and it is draining your life force energy. You cannot function and this makes you make more bad relationship choices as well.

Your mind works like a computer. It stores all data from your life. That is why, this bad, toxic data works like a parasitic virus in your mind. People claim that we need to wait a period of time to let go of all pain. Can you persuade computer virus to go away if you are pleasing enough?! I don't think so.

You have this in your system. It gives you a message about who you are, where you come from and how your life should look like. This parasite can hijack your mind and triggers you to feel and behave in a specified way. That's why you may attract toxic relationships as you, your mother and grandmother did it before.

Can you see it now? You may realize that you hold those issues. Then, your current situation is not promising and you feel and think of yourself as a victim! It is pathetic and far away from being successful and happy, right?

People tend to believe that toxic situations teach us something. We learn how to avoid making the same mistakes again. We hear from others "please, make better relationship choice next time". They persuade you to believe in the same statement and you accepted it. Now, you try to control the situation to control your life.

You try to change the outside world but the inside stay untouched. It still affects you how you think about yourself and what kind of relationship choices you make and how people treat you.

You decide when you are ready to take a challenge and face your painful life history. To the contrary, you may keep denying that your painful background never happened. Those problems will be there with you and they will hijack your present and future relationships.

Remember that you can stop a victim cycle.