Help and advice with my relationship

[Calibercutie]

Hi. I need some advice about a situation. I met my boyfriend back at the end of March and we started dating. After the 3rd day together he says I love you. I could tell by the way he looked at me. Then 3 mo later he moved In and things were pretty good. In June he was let go from his job and then I hurt my arm and was out of work for almost 4 months. He always told me he can't wait for me to be his wife and that he cannot wait to get married someday soon. He has 2 kids and I have 1 and they are best friends. Just recently a piece of my past was shared that he didn't like and it turned him off. We worked it out. It's been 8 months. He has depression and takes anxiety meds. Anyway he found out another piece of my past 3 days ago and now he's throwing that in my face and says that it happened to his mom when he was nine except our situations are different. Now he says let's get through the holidays and see how things go and we can decide what to do after the holidays. He said he needs time to clear his head he said and he doesn't know what he wants . I asked him if he loves me and said he can't answer that right now. He said he likes me alot but then he says I love you but it's not the forever kind of love yet. So this whole 8 months his actions and words don't match what hes saying now and I'm giving him his space but now there's no affection and he looks at me different. He told me he feels different about me because of this thing that happened in my past. It was years before he was even in tthe picture and it has nothing to do with him and he's holding t ha.t against me and ghrowing it in my face all because it happened to his mother. I tried telling him everyone has a past and even he's not so innocent for something he did too. So I'm letting him have his time to think and I'm falling back however he still texts me to ask how I'm doing and how is work and stuff like that and I give him minimal answers. If he needs time to clear his head then why is he even contacting me? I told him my past is my past and is not part of the present or future. But he's still holding what I did against me. I could never do that to some one I love. Anyway I dated a married man for 4 years and I'm ashamed of it and buried that and was feeling good about how I've grown from that until he threw that part of my past in my face and he doesn't know the real story of what happened. His mom and dad separated when he was 9 and his mom he said cheated on his dad when they were separated. My boyfriend and his wife were separated but still married when he started seeing other women even though the sepeeration was mutual and they both decided they were done. But he sees nothing wrong with that. He say im a good person and im so good to his kids and he appreciates everything i do so then whasts the problem? Thats what matters. The present not what happened before you in the past. He says I'm not saying we are going to break up but I'm not say we are not going to. Let's just get through the holidays and then see what we want to do. Please any advice appreciated right now. Thank you

[Scot]

There is really nothing much you can do at this point. You have said all you can say, by letting him know your past is in the past. So, all you can do now is give him space and time. Avoid contact with him and give him time to clear his head from all the thoughts.

[Anthonia]

He needs space, so give him the space he demands. Don't attempt to call him crying and begging him to take you back. Attempting to do that will result in you losing him for good. The best thing you can do now is to give him space and stop all contact with him. Like the saying, "absence makes the heart grow fonder," he will eventually begin to miss you and want you back when you are absent in his life.

[Hamlet]

My perspective on your situation is mainly that your boyfriend has a lot of issues such as attachment trauma from his childhood which he hasn't resolved and is instead projecting it onto you and you are taking it personally. He has to resolve the feelings of abandonment and betrayal that he experienced as a child instead of looking to you as the solution ot relieve this childhood pain. I don't know exactly if he will make this connection (although he is has identified it) because he is looking for a partner to be the parent or parents he never had, to make him feel loved the way he wasn't as a child. Adult intimate partners can't really fulfill this purpose. One has to resolve their childhood wounds before they can really open themselves up enough on an intimate level to bond with another adult. It is my understanding that the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship lasts on average two years so any commitments of true love is usually based on "fantasy bonds." The truth is that one is supposed to reveal things from their past, and if the other person gets triggered then they are supposed to open up and deal with their childhood trauma in that moment, so that they can grow and heal. Making your partner responsible for this past hurt serves no purpose other than keeping you in a place of emotional immaturity. You can't tell your boyfriend this though, he won't understand. You just be aware of it yourself and try not to take his denial personally. The other thing that your boyfriend may not understand is the truth is really grey. His truth may be that he didn't think his mom shouldn't have been with another man, because it hurt him or his dad. But there are cases out there where affairs aren't necessary hurtful. I have been married to my husband for 13years and he has a girlfriend, and she and I are good friends. My marriage is a platonic relationship, we are still married because we have a daughter together, and it just make sense. So every situation is different. In the meantime, just wait and see if he comes around. Work on yourself and learn to develop a strong sense of self. You have a good start by not feeling shame anymore for dating a married man. Also develop more self love: ie. affirming your own beliefs, feelings and decision making. Be open to what other people say, but make sure you are your own authority figure. This will help you not need affirmation from another person, especially one who strugglies to make you responsible for their own lack of self love and sense of self. You will need this skill if you are going to have an intimate partner. Anyways, I hope this helps, I did my best to try to describe some of the concepts that I have learned.