Call all people that have cheated. Once a cheater always cheater?

[AugustRein17]

Hi, I’m new here.

We’ve all heard about the saying “once a cheater always a cheater” I’m wondering if there’s any truth behind that. From a past cheaters perspective atleast. I I never cheated but I’ve been cheated on a few times.

Im a 28, I’ve been with my fiancé since we were 17. We now have two kids ages 7 and 4. Early on in our relationship when we were 18 & 19 he cheated on me. He had sex with two different girls. I forgave him. We moved on with our life. As I got older i convinced myself to not count those two incidents because we were just kids pretty much. He was young and immature. It’s hard for a teen to stay faithful blah blah. Those were things I convinced myself of. Fast forward to just a few months ago when I found out my fiancé cheated on me and slept with another woman on a drunk one night stand. I was hurt, well still hurt. I was willing to stay for the sake of our kids. I don’t want to ruin eveything they’ve ever known since they were born and rip our family apart. It’s not easy to stay. I feel like I have to swallow all my pride and deal with all these emotions on my own. Now I’m nervous because all I still hear is once a cheater always a cheater. I always said that that BS. We are only human after all. We are bound to make mistakes, have flaws etc etc. Though now I’m starting to view it as lack of self control. We all have temptations but it’s up to us to control them? Idk? He saying he promises and swears he will never put me through that. I actually believe he doesn’t ever want to put me through that. I think he means it when he says he doesn’t want to hurt me but that doesn’t mean that he still might hurt me again. Because he’s weaker than some, because he lacks self control, because he puts himself in tempting environments. It’s like a drug addict, they swear up and down they will never touch drugs again. They mean it when they say those things. They actually sometimes believe themselves too, but the minute someone offers the drugs they fall into the trap. Maybe cheating is similar? I’d like to hear store about cheaters themselves so I can come to my own conclusion.

[Sammy]

In my experience, having the confidence that you are able to absolutely know (and not just hope) that your husband is no longer cheating can help with your insecurity. Time can also help with this too, as can your improving marriage.

With this said though, I very much want for you to understand that although the external factors of your husband not cheating and your improving marriage are all good things that you should hope for, you don't always need external things to feel secure.

In fact, self confidence and security is an inside job. What I mean by this is that until you believe that you are worthy and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, then regardless of what happens with your husband or with your marriage, you might always struggle with feeling secure.

That's not to say that you don't want to do everything in your power to make sure that he is telling you the truth so that you can have certainty that he is not cheating. But, you also have to believe that you can be secure and OK regardless of what he is doing.

I know that this might sound hard to believe, but it is possible. It doesn't come easily. You have to work for it. You have to list those things that cause you insecurity and then address them one by one. You have to give yourself permission to take care of yourself and allow yourself to do whatever might make you feel better or give you more confidence.

At the end of the day, you have to make a conscious choice. You have to decide that no one else can decide your worth for you. And you have to accept that no one else's decision or mistake can take feelings of security from you. Your value comes because you are a unique person who gives your own contributions to the world. There is no one else like you with the unique gifts that you alone possess. This does not change, regardless of your husband's behavior or actions. His actions are completely separate from who you are and what you offer.

So sure, you may feel better once you feel more confident in his fidelity. But healing and recovery from an affair can be a process. It's usually not one thing that gets you over the hump. It is a series of things and it is your own attitude. My best advice is to work hard to ensure that you have what you need in terms of your marriage. But you should also know that your work doesn't stop there. You must also work very hard to get what you need in terms of yourself.

[Judith]

Don't Blame Yourself. It is Hard To Trust Someone Who Has Lied To Your About Their Fidelity: I think that people underestimate just how devastating it is to be cheated on. And this is especially true if you didn't see it coming. Often, the cheating spouse's lies seem to come to him so easily. He can look you right in the face and lie to you without your sensing that anything is amiss. Of course, this is going to put you on your guard in the future. Because no matter how much you want to trust him, you can forget that shock and pain.

You might recognize the following argument that you've been having with yourself.

Initial Thought: "I don't know why I act this way. He is always where he says he's going to be. So I don't know why I'm doubting him now. What he is saying makes perfect sense."

Second Thought: "Yes, but that's what you thought before when he was cheating on you. You thought everything was fine and he was lying to you on a daily basis and going behind your back. Do you want that to happen to you again? Don't be stupid."

Needless to say, it's hard to trust when you have these types of conversations in your own head. And it can be nearly impossible to stop this, especially at first. Most of the time, you are minding your own business and yet the thoughts still come. None of this means that there is anything wrong with you. It just means that you have a healthy dose of self preservation and common sense.

Seeing It From Another Side: Let's put it another way. When I was much younger, I got into a bad car accident by a relative's house. For a long time afterward, I had a very hard time driving on the same road, even if someone else was driving. It brought back all of the pain and the fear. So I had my relative come to me because it just made me too uncomfortable to go by there. However, with the passage of time, I started to realize that I wasn't seeing my relative as much as I might have liked and so eventually and slowly, I started to drive by there again.

It's just natural to want to avoid things that we think are going to hurt us again. But we manage to do it in time. It takes a while for us to feel safe again but eventually, our desire to get our lives back overcomes our fear.

Getting The Trust Back: I wish I had an easy and fast way to magically restore the trust. I don't. It does take time. And it does take repeatedly seeing your spouse act honorably and in your best interest. When you see this over and over again over a period of time, then you start to believe it.

And, like my car ride, when you see that you are missing out on something because of your fear, then sometimes you are motivated to go outside of your comfort zone in order to overcome it. (Keep in mind though that your husband has to make you feel safe to do so. He has to show with his behavior that it is safe to trust him.)

Many of us have done team building exercises at work or school where you have to fall back into someone's arms and trust that they won't drop you. Many of us think that this is a corny exercise, but studies have shown that it works, which is why this exercise is still very popular. You sort of have to do this exercise in your marriage over time. You trust a little and then see that he has caught you. And then after a while you trust again and realize that he hasn't let allowed you to fall yet. So you do it a little more until you wake up one day and realize that the trust has slowly returned and that you haven't fallen yet.

[AugustRein17]

Thank you for your input.
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