What To Do If She Gets Too Clingy

[Paul]

My problem however is the following...

I've been seeing this woman for a bit more than a month now.

Although I was straight with her from the beginning, saying that I did not want to be in bf / gf relationship she wants to and she's pushing for it.

She will see me without me being committed, but I feel bad blowing her off from time to time.

She is really nice and I don't want to become the man who does not care about her feelings.

On the other hand, becoming a better me is time and energy consuming and I want the freedom to learn and experiment at this time in my life.

Is me thinking "I have to end this to protect her from getting hurt and destroying the basis of a possible friendship" a limiting belief?

Once I've been straight with her, do I need to trust her to make her own decisions for herself? Or do I have to take responsibility at this stage of our relationship?

[Clay]

"Limiting belief" is usually a term reserved for a negative way we view ourselves that others don't necessarily share. How's that for a simple working definition?

Having enough character to sever a romantic relationship when the woman is falling in love--and you are not--hardly fits that profile.

That's right...it's a high character move to tell a woman that you believe that another man will appreciate her much more than you ever could.

Some guys would keep stringing a woman along regardless of how her feelings are affected, just as long as they are "getting laid" from the transaction.

That's a poverty mentality. Men with options, such as yourself, should definitely take the lead when a woman is beginning to get too emotionally involved.

If you don't share that emotional involvement, the only way to act in everyone's best interest is to free her to invest her emotions in a man who is more available in that regard.

This is no shame on you, by the way. Men fall in love too quickly with women all the time, and women are usually pretty good about severing things when appropriate.

Yet somewhere along the line we as guys often decide that women "can't handle the truth". I mean, we really don't want to make them cry or anything.

Rest assured when I tell you that women are generally much better at handling the truth than we give them credit for. What's more, they appreciate truth much more than being led on.

Delivering her the news in a way very similar to how I demonstrated above (i.e. that another man will appreciate her more) is a solid way to do so.

This is because it does not place a value judgment on the situation, does not insult her, and does not make her feel as if she isn't "good enough" for you. There's integrity and dignity in that approach, both of which are imperatives.

Alternative ways to phrase it effectively could include, "I'm freeing you up to find a man who is going to be more emotionally involved, like you deserve", or "Ultimately, I believe there's another guy who's better for you and will be everything you want him to be."

I've used all of these examples effectively in the past.

Now with all of that said and done, you have to make sure that your decisions are definitive. You shouldn't affect such a breakup unless you are sure of your intentions (and the reasons behind them).

As such, to turn back to her based on her desire to persuade you of such must be something you decide against up front. Promise yourself you'll stand firm no matter what happens.

Sure, she may get emotional. She may bargain with you in ways that supersede any manner of "testing" she's ever put forth, which when you witness it is a breathtaking display of what happens when you don't give your power away.

Or, if she's especially wise yet determined, she'll calmly turn on her heels and leave without much elaboration...but may call you two or three days later to see what the temperature is after you've "slept on it" for a few days, presumably by yourself.

Be ready for those potential responses so that you aren't snared.

[Richard]

Do you have a sense that your girlfriend or partner restricts your lifestyle with excessive neediness, jealousy, controlling behavior, or by being too demanding. A relationship is a place to build something -- both partners should help the other expand their horizons. Compromises need to be made, but neither partner should have the sense that they are constrained by neediness, jealousy, etc. If your relationship has more in common with a hostage situation than a healthy relationship, you may need relationship help fast.

Your relationship may be unhealthy if your partner:

• Demands to be by your side as often as possible
• Expects you to call her multiple times a day
• Needs to know where you're going at all times
• Shows jealousy over your normal interactions with other women
• Frowns on your having female friends
• Discourages you from spending time with male friends
• Has you walking on eggshells for fear of "slipping up"
• Demands to analyze everything about your relationship
• Pressures you to make commitments for which you're not read, such as marriage
• Acts inappropriately clingy in public or protective

You may be accustomed to her behaving like this, and you might accept that it's just the way she is. It's your choice if you wish to maintain a relationship with someone who acts like this, but it's important to be aware of these behaviors -- they are signs of an unhealthy relationship. When one partner is controlling or unstable, the other partner often experiences negative physical and mental effects from the stress. A lifetime of tolerating this behavior is a miserable existence.

Women who act clingy, needy, or excessively jealous tend to have major self-esteem issues. Since people tend to pair-off with partners with similar levels of self-esteem, you may have such issues of your own. You can address your own self-esteem issues later, but first, you must determine if your partner's level of neediness, jealousy, etc., is something you wish to address.

In a healthy relationship, each partner is comfortable bring up problems, so address these issues with your partner if you're able to do so. Let her know that you are feeling boxed-in because of the way she tries to tightly grip the reigns of the relationship. Tell her that a sense of freedom and independence is important to you, and you're not feeling that because of the way her behavior is effecting you.

However, many men in relationships with controlling women feel uncomfortable bringing up issues. In fact, they're scaredof discussing things like this, as she may overreact or respond in a way that causes more disruption. If you wish to stay in the relationship, you may need to address these issues with a third party, in a setting where you know you can speak your mind without fear of negative consequences.

What if you have no desire to maintain this relationship? Are you putting off the inevitable? Do you have the sense that eventually you will leave your partner, though now is just not the right time. With a birthday coming up, a parent who is ill, or an important interview on the horizon, you just can't leave her now in her time of need. The truth is, there is never a good time to leave, and if you think you're staying for her benefit, you're wrong: You're wasting her time when she could be on the road to healing and eventually finding a new relationship. If she's of child-bearing age, she may have her biological clock to consider, so if you don't want a life with her, it's important that you let her go.

So many men stay with controlling women because they can't find the strength or the will to leave. The man wants out, but several reasons keep him stuck:

• He can't stand the thought of hurting her
• He fears that she won't be able to handle the break up, and she might do something drastic
• He can't stand to see her cry
• He fears that she will go berserk, and may try to ruin both their lives
• She relies on him for a place to live, a ride to work, etc.
• They have a common lease, dog, etc.
• They are engaged and the family and friends expect a wedding

There are many more reasons why you might feel stuck in an unhealthy relationships, but they usually have the same theme in common: You feel responsible for her, can't stand hurting her, and feel that she may not be able to handle life without him. These are not valid reasons for staying in a relationship.