How to Tell if a Girl Is Using You

[Richard]

I have this lady that worked into my life, albeit briefly as it turns out.

She is quite attractive in her own way and highly orgasmic.

She visited me and we spent 2 great weeks together in London.

I tried to be nice and willing to offer her anything I could afford just to make her happy. (I guess my mistake.)

Because of my desire to have and keep her I became needy, clingy and wussy.

Despite all the nice things I did (paid her air ticket, took her around London, had dinners, etc.) when she got back home she called me to tell me that she wasn't sure if it's me she wants.

How do I win her back? How do I make her come begging?

[Clay]

You've already figured out that you did all sorts of needy things to drive her away.

Given how much we tend to harp about the grave dangers of all that in these newsletters, I'll spare you the tirade.

But then again, maybe everyone involved here would be better off if I didn't spare you completely, after all.

When we try to buy a woman's affection it seems utterly obvious to her that we lack the confidence to believe that who we are as a man is enough.

And as soon as you go down that trail, if anything attractive goes on it basically has little, if anything to do with you.

You're just the "vehicle".

That never ends well, unless you particularly enjoy opening up your wallet and shaking all of your cash out the window.

But here's a point you may not be expecting from me.

And that's this: I've got to take issue with your choice of words.

I can by no means understand the prospect of this woman coming back into your life as "winning" her back.

In fact, based on what you've shared I'd call such an outcome a catastrophic loss of epic proportions.

Let's take a quick inventory here.

This chick came to stay with you and gladly took everything you had to offer (including the shirt off your back, basically) for two full weeks.

It's not like she went out on a two-hour first date with you. She freeloaded for half a friggin' month.

And THEN she had the nerve to announce to you when she's safe and cozy back at home that she doesn't want you after all?

(By the way, you can ignore the "wasn't sure if" part in her statement to you.)

So here it is: Why on God's green earth are YOU still interested?

I mean, come on, man. How much more do you really want to be used?

What she is doing is pure manipulation in its lowest form.

If the answer is "no freakin' way", then don't accept being treated in such a manner by someone else.

I'm sure this female friend of yours is really cute in addition to being orgasmic. I'm equally sure she's figured out that she can get away with having zero character and still get whatever she wants from most men.

So you were simply next in line.

Let me tell you, manipulators--by definition--are people who fully know the difference between right and wrong, yet who proceed to do wrong at the direct expense of those they instinctively know want to do the right thing.

I ask you, how is that NOT pure evil personified?

I know you've raised the bar on your definition of "high quality woman" somewhere above the "pure evil" mark. Right?

But to be honest, I gather from your message that you already sense that you don't really want her back anyway.

What you really want is the last word.

You want the satisfaction of knowing that SHE knows she blew it with a great guy like you.

Well, until you drop that mindset for something more productive you'll only eat yourself from the inside...all the while demonstrating to the whole world that you're a chaser who likely has zero options when it comes to other women.

That's the only conclusion that can be drawn from your willingness to burn so much energy on a woman who is long gone...for better OR worse.

Now, you don't want to be THAT guy, right?

Besides man, it's so unattractive when people beg.

And on top of all else, as pathetic as begging is, it hardly ever works anyway so it'd be a waste of everyone's time.

Now go find a woman more worthy of your orgasm-bestowing talents, and be sure to date several women at once on the journey to meeting her.

And whatever you do, please stop trying so hard to buy women off with stuff and start letting your masculine "big four" charm carry you.

Remember, it's YOU she's got to be attracted to...not a bunch of goodies and a bottomless bank account.

Ironically enough, when you conduct yourself with women as if you don't have that figured out, the compensation (in every sense of the word) for what you feel is lacking in personal depth isn't only obvious like I mentioned above, it sort of comes off as begging.

And as you'll recall, we already concluded that's just ugly.

There's a reason why someone smart once said, "beggars can't be choosers".

[Jerome]

Have you fallen hard and quickly for a girl, only to find that things are not working out the way you hoped? She doesn't seem to be as into you as you are with her, or she keeps blowing hot and cold. Her changeability is confusing you and making you feel hurt and disrespected. You start to wonder; is she using me?

In some ways she seems like the perfect girl. She's charming, flirty and fun. When you're alone together, things are great. She may even tell you she loves you. But then she becomes offhand, careless and even distant. She flirts with other men, and sometimes disappears without a word for several days. You start to wonder if you're facing a relationship breakup. What's going on?


Everyone - man or woman - becomes vulnerable when they fall for someone quicker and harder than they fall for you. And it's easy to find yourself feeling uncertain of where you stand with them.


A girl who does this isn't necessarily a bad person. She may genuinely like you and be confused about what kind of relationship she wants with you. But it's bad news to be in a relationship that is not reciprocal, because you will always find yourself wanting something that remains tantalisingly out of reach.

If you are confused about where you stand with your girl, you need to think about whether the relationship is worth pursuing. It won't be easy to walk away if you really have fallen for her, but at least you can get an idea about how committed she is to making it with you.

What Are The Signs?

When you are trying to be a great boyfriend it's frustrating and painful to find yourself being treated casually. You want to believe the best, but you girl's behaviour is unpredictable and erratic. Despite what she says, you can't help wondering whether she really loves you. You have to take a hard and objective look at how she treats you.

• She's not there all the time. If your girlfriend takes regular sabbaticals from your relationship, then you are clearly not her top priority. In unequal relationships, the one less in love may only be continuing with it to fill in time until something better comes along. And she likes to take time away from you to look for it. She may even be sleeping with other guys. This could be to keep her options open, or because she can't decide between you, or because she just likes sex. Whatever the reason, if she spends days not getting in touch with you then she has other interests.
• You don't meet her friends. Have you ever been out with her friends, or even introduced to them? If not, it's a sign that she doesn't see you as an important part of her life. A girl who's in love wants to show off her new boyfriend to everyone she knows. If you run into her friends when you are out together, and they have never even heard of you, then you are definitely playing a peripheral role in her life.
• She doesn't call you her boyfriend. When a girl sees you as her boyfriend, that's what she'll call you. If she introduces you as a 'friend', or just by your name (which nobody recognises), then she's not talking about you behind your back. And in this context, that's a bad sign.
• She treats you like a friend. Does she like to keep her distance in public? If all her hugs and kisses (and even hand-holding) take place in private, then she's obviously not seeing you as her dream guy. A girl in love loves to be with a guy who's cool with PDAs. And she'll happily reciprocate.
• She's ambivalent about your relationship status. If you talk about her as a girlfriend, she demurs or looks doubtful or pained. Or she talks about 'being in transition' after a breakup. Or she's still in a relationship with another guy. Whatever her problem if she doesn't see your relationship as that of boyfriend/girlfriend, then she's keeping her options open. Make sure you don't become the guy she sees only when she doesn't have a better option.
• She is still in another relationship emotionally, whether or not she's actually seeing the guy. Does she spend a lot of time agonising about her past mistakes and the guy who dumped her? Women who have been hurt often look to other guys for reassurance about their attractiveness and desirability, and to make them feel better about themselves. She may also want to fill the void in her life. In these circumstances she not interested in you, but in anyone who'll help take the pain away.
• She blows hot and cold about sex. When a relationship is new and passionate, there is never a wrong time for sex. If your girlfriend's interest is intermittent - or especially if it's lukewarm or non-existent - then you are not a permanent fixture in her sexual fantasies.
• She leads the relationship. Does she decide when and if you spend time together? Is she never available if you call her? When a girl only wants to see you at her convenience, she is using you to fill in the gaps in her life.
• She's not interested in your life. Does she use you as a confidant or a shoulder to cry on whenever she needs one? And then fail to listen or remember when you try to talk to her about something that is going on in your life? A girl who loves you will want to support you as well as looking to you for support. If she doesn't, she's not really interested in you.
• She's still in an unhappy relationship. Just like women who've been dumped, women in an unhappy relationship can look to other men for reassurance and support. But no matter how unhappy she tells you she is, if she doesn't leave then her heart is still with the substandard boyfriend. The more you let her cry on your shoulder, the less she will see you as a sexually attractive man. Because you are behaving like one of her girlfriends.

If you find you are being used, you are better off leaving than hoping she will change and see you for the great catch you are. When a man allows a woman to use him, she starts to lose respect for him, and stops seeing him as a man she could fall in love with. And you will find yourself losing your confidence and ending up with a broken heart.

She probably doesn't intend to hurt you: but she may be selfish and thoughtless (in which case she'll never make any man happy), or she may be so wrapped up in her own problems that she just doesn't see what she's doing to you. Either way, there's nothing good that will come out of it for you.

So what should you do?

You have two options. Either you can walk out before you get hurt, or you can get tough and start using her back. It depends how nice a guy you are, and how strong your feelings are for her. Using her might salvage your pride, but it won't make you any happier in the long run.

You're might be better off finding someone else who really wants you. That way you'll both be happy.

[Richard]

Great advice from you guys, thanks so much.