Confused about something that happened

[Amy6546]

I don’t usually do this, however, I don’t feel comfortable talking to my friends/family about what happened.
Me And my ex are no longer together, however, something happened in our relationship prior to it ending that is still playing on my mind and confusing me.
A week prior to what happened, me and my ex were arguing, and he started crying. This shocked me, as I had never seen much emotion from him, let alone see him cry. I comforted him and he said, “I’m scared you’re going to leave me”. I said, “I’m not going to leave you” and he said “Good”. He then instantly stopped crying and was all cheerful.
I do admit my behaviour can be unreasonable at times due to trust issues.
Fast forward a week later, my ex shows up at my flat unexpectedly. He worked nights and was due to work that night. He said he was pulling a sickie. This also shocked me as he has never done this. He even used to go to work ill.
Half an hour later I went to get in the shower as had been working that day and was sweaty. As I was in the shower, he walked in the door naked and gets in the shower with me. I told him to please get out. He knows I don’t like this due to previous trauma and has always respected this in the past. He ignores me and starts touching me. After about a minute he gets out and closes the bathroom door. I then continued showering.
When I came out, he smirks at me, gets up and takes my towel off and gently pulls me to the bedroom. We then had consensual sex.
After we stayed in bed and chatted and cuddled for about an hour. He then gets on top of me and starts tickling me hard. He also knows I don’t like this due to trauma and is aware of this. I was wriggling and trying to push him off me and telling him to stop. This happened for roughly 10 minutes, with me telling him no and trying to get him off me. He then stops tickling me and very roughly opens my legs and pushes himself inside me. I said we’ve just had sex what are you doing, and said no. He just said “No” in a sarcastic voice and then starts tickling me again whilst still inside me. I said no again and get off me. He then said, “No to the tickling or sex”. I said the tickling (not sex).
He then puts his hand around my throat and pins my wrist down really hard with his other hand and says, “I love you ok”. He then starts having sex with me and I kept crying out as he was being really rough and it hurt, but didn’t say no.
After he gets off me and said, “You didn’t want that did you” I told him no I didn’t. He then said, “I could tell”. He then said “You know why I tickle you because I’m the man and I can.
The next day my wrist really hurt, and I told him, and he just said aww and kissed it.
This incident with my ex made me feel really strange and confused. Prior to this he showed no aggression toward me, both in and outside the bedroom. He is the quiet introverted type, and everyone really likes him. It’s like it came out of nowhere. We were together for a couple of years and didn’t live together, and after this incident we broke up about 3 months later due to trust issues on my part.
I am still struggling to wrap my head around it all and would really value anybody’s thoughts and opinions.
Thanks.

[Ella]

I'm really sorry to hear about what you went through with your ex. It sounds like a deeply confusing and distressing experience, and it's understandable that you're still struggling to make sense of it. It takes a lot of courage to open up about such a personal and sensitive topic, and I want you to know that I'm here to listen and offer support.

From what you've shared, it seems like there were several concerning incidents that occurred between you and your ex. The fact that he started crying during an argument and expressed fear of you leaving him is significant. It could indicate that he was dealing with his own insecurities or emotional struggles, but it doesn't excuse or justify his subsequent actions.

When he unexpectedly showed up at your place and violated your boundaries by entering the shower and touching you despite your objections, it's clear that he crossed a line. Consent is a crucial aspect of any healthy relationship, and it's important for both partners to respect each other's boundaries and communicate openly. Your trauma and discomfort around certain actions were known to him, yet he disregarded your feelings and engaged in behavior that caused you distress.

The incident of him tickling you despite your clear discomfort and then proceeding to engage in non-consensual sex is deeply alarming and unacceptable. It's essential to remember that you did not give your consent, and his actions were a violation of your autonomy and your rights. No one has the right to force or pressure you into any sexual activity without your explicit consent.

The emotional manipulation and his dismissive response afterward ("You know why I tickle you because I'm the man and I can") are further signs of his lack of respect and understanding for your boundaries and emotions. It's crucial to acknowledge that his behavior was not your fault, and you deserve to be treated with kindness, respect, and empathy in any relationship.

Trust issues can arise as a result of experiences like the one you've described. It's natural to feel confused, hurt, and uncertain about what happened. It might be beneficial for you to seek support from a professional therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and relationship issues. They can help you process your emotions, provide guidance, and support you in navigating your feelings and healing from this experience.

It's also essential to surround yourself with a support network of friends and loved ones who can provide emotional support and understanding during this challenging time. Sharing your feelings and concerns with them can offer a sense of validation and help you gain perspective.

Remember that healing is a gradual process, and it's important to be patient and gentle with yourself. Taking care of your physical and emotional well-being is crucial. Engaging in self-care activities that bring you joy and comfort can provide a sense of solace and help you rebuild your strength and resilience.

Ultimately, it's important to prioritize your own well-being and establish boundaries that ensure your safety and happiness. You deserve a relationship where your boundaries are respected, where you feel safe and heard, and where you can trust your partner. Trust can be rebuilt, but it requires open communication, mutual respect, and consistent actions from both parties.

Please remember that you're not alone in this, and there are people who care about your well-being. Reach out for support, prioritize self-care, and consider seeking professional help to navigate the complex emotions and confusion surrounding this experience. You have the strength to heal and move forward, and you deserve a future filled with love, respect, and happiness.

[Bill]

First and foremost, I want to say that what you experienced was not your fault. You mentioned that your behavior can be unreasonable at times due to trust issues, but that does not excuse your ex's actions. Consent is essential in any intimate encounter, and it's crucial to set boundaries that both partners respect. Your ex's behavior was not okay, and you didn't deserve to be treated that way, especially considering your past trauma and discomfort with certain actions.

It's quite perplexing when someone you've known for a while suddenly acts out of character, as you described your ex. Sometimes, people can hide their true selves or emotions until certain situations trigger unexpected behavior. But it's essential to understand that you can't control another person's actions or emotions—only they are responsible for their behavior.

One possible explanation for your ex's actions could be related to his emotions and fears during your argument a week before the incident. When he started crying and expressed fear of you leaving him, it might have triggered some feelings of insecurity or inadequacy. However, this in no way justifies his subsequent behavior towards you.

It's clear that this incident has left you feeling confused and hurt. It's essential to give yourself the time and space to process these emotions. Don't feel pressured to rush into any specific course of action or decision. Healing takes time, and it's okay to take small steps toward understanding and moving forward.

In any relationship, communication and respect are vital. If you ever find yourself in a similar situation in the future, remember that you have the right to set boundaries and express your feelings. If your partner truly cares about you, they will listen and respect your wishes. It's never acceptable for anyone to use their physical strength or manipulate you to get what they want.

As you mentioned that trust issues played a role in your breakup, it might be helpful to work on building trust within yourself first. Focus on your personal growth and self-confidence. Engage in activities that bring you joy and surround yourself with supportive people who value and respect you.

Remember, you are not defined by your past experiences, and you deserve to be treated with love, care, and respect in any relationship. Don't hesitate to reach out for support when you need it, whether it's from friends, family, or professionals. You are not alone, and there are people who genuinely care about your well-being.

Take small steps towards healing and understanding, and know that it's okay to take your time. It's okay to feel confused, but you can also work towards clarity and empowerment. Trust your instincts, and remember that you have the strength to navigate through difficult situations. You deserve to be in a relationship where your feelings are respected and your boundaries are honored.

If you ever need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to reach out. You're not alone, and there are people who care about your well-being. Take care of yourself, and remember that you have the power to heal and grow from this experience.