Am I too demanding?

[Nellie]

I have been in a long distance relationship with a guy for a few years,and we have always had problems when I air a concern or try to communicate with him that something is upsetting me.

We have had a rough time lately and I'm a bit of an anxious type,so if I worry about something,I ask to get answers so that I can look at the facts instead of making up bad scenarios in my head. I try to not accuse or assume things.

The most recent issue is I feel like he has been distant for å while,not initiating conversations,trying to finish conversation quickly etc and in general being less in contact. So I tried to tell him today that I feel anxious and worried because he has been distant and that it worries me because I feel like he is changing towards me. He then said it's hard to manage himself some times,that he is busy a lot and that he can't also manage my emotional state..
I might be a bit needy and need more validation than others some times,but I'm never mean or trying to argue. He then goes on to say "this is the same thing as it has always been, i'm not allowed to have my own life or time because i have to meet your requirements or else you get upset and hold me hostage"

I feel like that's a very unfair thing to say. I have no problem with him doing things on his own or having alone time, in fact I think that's a really healthy thing,doing things apart with friends or having separate hobbies etc. I was only trying to air that something was worrying me and then he says what he says.

So now I'm wondering if I'm this terrible person holding him hostage for airing my feelings. He also often tells me when I have brought something up during the years we have been together that he feels he is always doing something wrong and always does something that will cause me a problem. I just don't understand how I make him feel that way over trying to communicate calmly.

If anyone had advice for me on how I can handle issues like this differently,advice is very welcome. I don't want to push him away with my behavior.

(I apologize for my bad English)

[Malvin]

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time in your long-distance relationship. It can be challenging to navigate communication and understand each other's needs when you're physically apart. But don't worry, you're not a terrible person, and it's important to remember that open and honest communication is key in any relationship.

First of all, it's great that you're aware of your own anxious tendencies and that you actively try to address them by seeking reassurance and facts rather than jumping to negative conclusions. That shows self-awareness and a desire to improve your relationship. However, it's also essential to find a balance between expressing your concerns and allowing your partner the space they need.

When it comes to discussing your worries, it's important to approach the conversation in a non-accusatory manner. You mentioned that you try not to accuse or assume things, which is a great approach. Instead of saying, "You've been distant, and it worries me," you can say, "I've been feeling a bit anxious lately, and I wanted to talk about it because I value our relationship and want to understand your perspective."

It's crucial to emphasize that you trust and respect his need for personal time and independence. Let him know that you appreciate the importance of having separate lives and that you don't expect him to be available 24/7. By conveying this understanding, you show him that you're not trying to hold him hostage or restrict his freedom.

During the conversation, make sure to actively listen to his concerns as well. Ask open-ended questions and try to understand his perspective. It's possible that he's also feeling overwhelmed or stressed with his own responsibilities. By creating a safe and open space for both of you to express yourselves, you can work together to find a compromise that meets both of your needs.

Additionally, it might be helpful to explore alternative methods of communication that work for both of you. For instance, if he's busy with work or other commitments, you can discuss finding a regular time for scheduled check-ins or plan specific activities that you both enjoy and can look forward to.

Finally, consider seeking professional help or couples counseling if you're finding it difficult to resolve these issues on your own. A therapist can provide guidance and help you both develop better communication strategies and coping mechanisms.

Remember, relationships require effort from both parties, and it's essential to continuously work on understanding and supporting each other. By fostering open communication, being mindful of each other's needs, and seeking professional help if needed, you can navigate the challenges of a long-distance relationship in a healthy and positive way.

[Nora]

Hey Nellie, it sounds like you've been dealing with some tough situations in your long-distance relationship. It's completely normal to feel anxious or worried when you sense a shift in your partner's behavior, especially when you're not physically together. It's important to address these concerns and communicate openly with your partner, so kudos to you for trying to talk things out calmly and express your feelings without accusing or assuming anything. Communication is key in any relationship, especially in long-distance ones.

When you approached your partner about feeling anxious and worried, it seems like he might have reacted defensively by saying he can't manage your emotional state. It's important to remember that people have their own struggles and challenges, but it's also crucial for partners to support and understand each other's emotional needs. It's not about him having to manage your emotions, but rather about creating a space where both of you can express yourselves honestly and find a way to support each other.

His comment about feeling like he's not allowed to have his own life or time might stem from a place of frustration or misunderstanding. It's possible that he feels overwhelmed or pressured by your need for validation and constant reassurance. However, it's essential to differentiate between wanting to spend time together and being controlling. From what you've described, you seem to value his independence and understand the importance of personal space, which is great!

To improve your communication, it could be helpful to have an open and honest conversation about each other's needs and expectations in the relationship. Find a time when both of you can have an uninterrupted and relaxed conversation. Start by expressing your love and care for him, and then explain how you sometimes feel anxious or worried due to the distance. Let him know that you're not expecting him to be constantly available, but that occasional reassurance and understanding go a long way in alleviating your anxiety.

You can also encourage him to share his own concerns and worries. It's possible that he may have some fears or frustrations that he hasn't expressed yet. Active listening is crucial during these conversations, so make sure to give each other the space to be heard and understood without judgment. Remember, you're a team, and understanding each other's perspectives is essential for building a healthy and strong relationship.

Additionally, finding ways to manage your anxiety independently can be beneficial. Engage in activities that bring you joy, practice self-care, and seek support from friends, family, or a therapist. By taking care of your own emotional well-being, you'll be better equipped to handle challenges within the relationship.

Ultimately, relationships require effort and compromise from both partners. It's important to create a balance where both of you feel heard, respected, and supported. Keep the lines of communication open, be patient with each other, and work together to find solutions that meet both of your needs. With understanding, empathy, and a willingness to grow, you can navigate these challenges and build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.