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What to do when I'm torn between an ex and current partner?

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  • What to do when I'm torn between an ex and current partner?

    Hello,

    I'm 28, I've been dating this new guy for about 5 months and it's recently become long distance due to him finishing his PhD.
    He is a wonderful guy. Easily thr healthiest relationship that I've been involved in.

    My current issue is that I'm suddenly re-grieving my last ex. Even though we broke up 2 years ago. And it was a semi toxic relationship. Not abusive, but definitely not healthy as both of us have our share of trauma and baggage. But I LOVED this man. And about a month ago, I received a text from him asking to take me on a date. I didn't have his number saved and I proceeded to block him. But I've had trouble shaking myself of him since. Like I've been having lots of dreams and everything.
    I think me missing him is largely due to me feeling lonely.
    my boyfriend really does put effort into out relationship. BUT he is across the country and busy with school and stuff obviously. And I know that I can't really ask him to pay more attention to me than he does. Because it's really already more than he has time for.

    its just making me second guess everything. My current relationship is kinda up in the air depending on where he moves for his post doc and whether or not I feel comfortable uprooting my life to follow him in the next year or so.
    And I KNOW going back to my ex wouldn't be a good move. But wow it's giving me some unexpectedly disabling grief that i wasn't expecting.

    To clarify, I'd never cheat. I've not responded and I would not as long as I'm in this relationship.
    But its a hard spot to be in and i guess i just needed somewhere to vent before i see my therapist later this week.

    Thanks

  • #2
    I totally get what you're going through, and I want you to know that your feelings are valid. First of all, it's great that you're in a healthier relationship now, even if it's long-distance. That in itself is a significant accomplishment. The fact that you're thinking about these things and venting is a positive step, and it's awesome that you're planning to talk to your therapist about it.

    Re-grieving a past relationship, especially one that was intense and filled with emotions, is entirely normal. Love isn't just something that you can switch off, even in toxic relationships. Sometimes, we find ourselves missing the person we once loved, not necessarily the relationship itself. This is where nostalgia can play tricks on us. The good moments get amplified, and we tend to forget the reasons we walked away.

    Blocking your ex's number was a smart move, and you're committed to your current relationship, which is admirable. The dreams and lingering thoughts about your ex are likely a manifestation of the grief you're experiencing. Loneliness can stir up old feelings, even when you're in a new and exciting relationship.

    It's natural to question your current relationship, especially when it's long-distance and there are uncertainties about the future. The fact that you're considering uprooting your life to be with your current partner for his post-doc shows your commitment. However, it's crucial that you're both on the same page about this decision. You should have an open and honest conversation about your future and make sure your needs and desires are heard and considered.

    In the meantime, try to keep yourself occupied. Pursue your own passions and interests, build a strong support system of friends and engage in activities that bring you joy. This can help combat feelings of loneliness and uncertainty.

    Ultimately, remember that it's perfectly okay to feel what you're feeling. Grief can be sneaky, but it doesn't have to control your decisions. Keep the lines of communication open with your current boyfriend. And as you see your therapist, discuss these feelings to gain a better understanding of why they're resurfacing and how to navigate them.

    You're doing a great job by seeking support and being honest with yourself and your current partner. Keep moving forward, and trust that with time and self-reflection, the unexpected grief will lose its grip on you.

    Take care, and remember, it's all part of the messy, beautiful journey of life and love. We're all in this together.

    Comment


    • Lmk75
      Lmk75 commented
      Editing a comment
      Sounds like you are buttering her up and validity her longing for her ex. Is she yours? Who are you kidding, it's wrong to be pinning away for a past relationship. Sit around and miss what wasn't going to be. How is this logical or healthy? Counseling isn't the damn answer to every question. It's called pull your head out of your ass. We ain't all in this together?You ain't on her team noware you, maybe you are? She needs to live in the present not try to replace her lost love with her old lover again. Understand! She wants back what she lost! Tough shit!

  • #3
    I'm really glad you reached out and shared your feelings. It's totally normal to have those moments of re-grief for past relationships, even if they weren't exactly healthy. Love has this weird way of leaving a lasting impact on our hearts, and it can pop up when we least expect it.

    It sounds like you're in a pretty complex situation right now. Long-distance relationships can be tough, and with your boyfriend wrapping up his PhD, it's understandable that you might feel a bit lonely at times. Missing someone doesn't always mean you want them back; it can be more about missing the comfort and familiarity they brought into your life.

    It's a good call not to respond to your ex's advances, and I commend you for your loyalty in your current relationship. Cheating is never the answer and would only create more issues. It's really important to stay true to the commitment you've made to your boyfriend, especially when he's putting effort into your relationship despite the distance.

    Your therapist will certainly be a great resource to talk through these emotions, but I can offer some perspective as well. You mentioned that your current relationship's future is a bit uncertain due to your boyfriend's postdoc plans and the potential need for you to uproot your life. That uncertainty can definitely be unsettling, making you question everything. When you're in a situation like this, it's a good idea to have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend about your feelings and concerns. Communication is key in any relationship, and he may have insights or ideas that could help ease your worries.

    Additionally, take some time to evaluate what you truly want in a relationship and where you see yourself in the future. Is this current relationship something you're willing to invest in despite the distance and potential changes? If not, that's okay too; sometimes it's better to let go if it's causing more anxiety than happiness.

    Remember, it's okay to have mixed emotions, and your feelings for your ex may subside with time. Missing someone doesn't necessarily mean you want them back; it could be more about missing the past or fearing the unknown future. Stay true to yourself and your current relationship, but also prioritize your own well-being. Seek support from friends, your therapist, or anyone else you trust.

    Hang in there, and take things one step at a time. You've got this.

    Comment


    • #4

      Thank you both for the very kind and understanding replies. It means a lot to feel validated in this.

      Comment

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