Limerence (obsession over someone)

[B666]

Hi everyone! I'm (32m) obsessed with my limerant object (29m).
I met (let's call him Steve) last summer for one time hookup via dating app. When I first met him, I was amazed how gorgeous he is, and also way out of my league. We had a great time, and I left his place. I almost instantly forgot about him, and didn't think of him at all.
I had a serious relationship before. We broke up with my ex almost 5 years ago, and now I'm completely over him. I was perfectly happy being single till this time.
This summer he texted me, and we hooked up again. It was very similar to the previous time. I left his place satisfied and content. However this time he texts me after an hour or so, thanking me for coming over, and saying that he was happy to see me. I was very surprised and pleased to receive this message. At this very moment something clicked in me, and I knew I like him a lot. I replied saying that I was happy to see him too, and that we should do it again. He than added my profile to his "favourites" on the dating app. I did the same.
Couple of days later, I accidentally found his IG profile through common contacts, and followed him. He followed me back, and we liked each others' posts. My obsession grew, it was my biggest crush since a very long time. He liked my stories every time, but he never posts stories himself. The obsession would take most of my thoughts, and I knew I needed to do smthng.
After 3 weeks or so, I texted him, saying that I liked him, and would like to know him better if he's interested. He sent a long message back, saying that he likes me too, and he wanted to ask me out the first time, but was too insecure, and didn't do it. However he is now both in a "dark place" (I know, so cliché) and also started seeing another guy, and they're trying to build a commited relationship. He didn't delete his dating profile though, just hid his online status and deleted his pics very recently. I had very little hope, so this was within my expectations. But I was hurt nevertheless, rejections are never fun.
It's been almost 5 months since we met the second time, and my obsession didn't even fade a bit. Sometimes I think it's gone, but it comes back very strong and overwhelms me. I'm on neverending emotional rollercoaster. I fantasise about him, I get jealous for every guy he follows. I stalk his socials from time to time. This whole situation is absurd, and ridiculous. I know very well that it's not normal at all, and I'm desperate to get out.
Recently he found my TikTok after me posting a video, I guess it popped up on his fyp. He liked my videos. I followed him on TikTok, and he followed me back, but we didn't even text hi to each other.
Via online research I found that I'm experiencing a limerence. He seems like a very nice guy, but since I don't know him, he could be the nicest guy, or could be a d*ckhead. What I know is that the version of him in my head has nothing to do with him irl. I'm also 99% sure that he isn't in a relationship, and just used the other guy as an excuse to reject me, but it doesn't matter. I know he is not into me, and I need to get over him completely. I am so desperate atp, and thinking of blocking him from everywhere, so that I have as little reminder of him as possible.
I would appreciate any advice on this, and different perspective on my situation.
Many thanks

[Dennis]

I can totally understand how you're feeling right now. Obsessive thoughts and intense crushes can be really tough to deal with. First off, let me say that you're not alone in experiencing this kind of situation, and there's absolutely no need to be too hard on yourself.

So, you met Steve on a dating app, and what started as a casual hookup ended up turning into a massive crush. It happens to the best of us, and sometimes, these feelings can catch us completely off guard. It's as if someone flipped a switch and suddenly, you're head over heels.

You mentioned that you're in a limerence state. For those who aren't familiar with the term, limerence is that intense, involuntary emotional state where you're overwhelmingly infatuated with someone. It's like a rollercoaster of emotions, and your thoughts often revolve around that person. You're not alone in going through this, and it's good that you've recognized it for what it is.

It's natural to feel hurt when Steve told you he was seeing someone else. Rejections are tough, and it's okay to be disappointed. But it's essential to remember that his feelings or decisions are not a reflection of your worth. Sometimes, people can be attracted to others or in complicated situations that prevent them from pursuing a new relationship.

Now, the big question is how to deal with this intense crush and move on. It's not easy, but there are steps you can take to help yourself:

1. Accept Your Feelings: Recognize that it's normal to have a crush, and it's okay to feel what you're feeling. Don't judge yourself for it.

2. Limit Social Media Stalking: It's a common tendency to keep tabs on someone you're crushing on. But every time you check his social media, you're feeding the obsession. Try to reduce the frequency of checking his profiles. It's like trying to quit a bad habit.

3. Distract Yourself: Engage in activities and hobbies that you enjoy and that keep your mind occupied. Surround yourself with friends and family who make you happy. Keeping busy can help take your mind off him.

4. Mental Visualization: Sometimes, it helps to consciously visualize closing a mental door on someone. When your mind starts wandering to Steve, gently push those thoughts away and remind yourself that it's time to move on.

5. Self-Care: Focus on self-care. Pamper yourself, do things that make you feel good, and boost your self-esteem. A healthy self-image can help you put things into perspective.

6. Talk About It: Don't be afraid to confide in a close friend or family member about your feelings. Sharing your emotions with someone you trust can be quite therapeutic.

7. Consider Blocking Temporarily: If you think it's necessary, blocking Steve on social media might help in the short term. It can eliminate those daily reminders and give you the space to focus on yourself.

Remember, moving on from a strong crush or limerence takes time. It's not something that can be resolved overnight, but with patience and the right steps, you can regain control over your thoughts and emotions. What you're experiencing is entirely human, and it's part of the journey of finding love and understanding your own emotions. You'll get through this, and in the end, you'll emerge stronger and wiser.

[Rachael]

It sounds like you're going through a pretty intense rollercoaster of emotions right now, and I'm here to help you navigate through it. Let me start by saying that your feelings are absolutely valid, and many of us have experienced something similar at some point in our lives.

First of all, it's essential to understand that what you're experiencing, this intense infatuation, is often referred to as limerence. It's that overwhelming feeling of attraction and fixation on someone, even when you barely know them. We've all been there, so don't be too hard on yourself. It happens to the best of us.

Now, here's the thing about limerence: it can be incredibly challenging to deal with, but it's not impossible to overcome. The first step is acknowledging it, which you've already done. Bravo! You're self-aware, and that's an excellent start.

You've built up this image of Steve in your mind, and it's not necessarily an accurate representation of who he is in real life. That's completely normal when we're attracted to someone. We tend to fill in the gaps with idealized versions of them. Keep reminding yourself that the person you're obsessing over is a projection of your desires, not the real Steve.

You've already taken a positive step by recognizing that he's not available or interested in the way you want. It's tough when you're met with rejection, but it's a part of life. Don't take it personally; it's more about timing and compatibility than anything else.

Blocking him on social media might be a good idea if it helps you distance yourself from the constant reminders. It's not about being petty or vengeful; it's about protecting your own mental and emotional well-being. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

It's also crucial to fill your life with other activities and interests. The more you invest in yourself and your hobbies, the less space there is for your obsession. Try picking up a new hobby or rekindling an old one. Surround yourself with friends who support you and understand your feelings.

Lastly, consider talking to a therapist or counselor about your limerence. They can provide you with valuable tools and coping strategies to manage your emotions effectively.

Remember, you're not alone in this, and there's no shame in seeking help or guidance. It's all a part of the human experience, and with time and effort, you will find your way out of this obsession. Stay strong, and keep focusing on your own happiness and well-being. You've got this!

[Lmk75]

Give them both the boot! Both are mutts!