Clueless Love

[Broski]

Hi I'm age 28m who has been split up with my ex for over 2 years, we have a child together under 5 who we Co-Parent with.

I found out alot about her past which caused the break up, she had blamed me for everything in our relationship until I found evidence on her phone (first time I snooped on her phone). What I found out really broke my ego and trust with her wish at the time I never did snoop so we'd be a happy family together still. When I confronted her , she denied everything even when I mentioned the clear evidence.

We've been trying to make things work again this year, only for me to once again snoop again due to raised suspicions. Turns out she slept with her store manager and is playing friends with her best friends ex boyfriend who likes her and I'm assuming they kissed judging how the messages went like. But this time I do not want to confront this to her because I know I shouldn't have been snooping this time around.

All she does is bad mouth me to her friends and lie about us having sex to people, I am totally shocked and feel worthless especially trying my best trying to battle my depression which she is very aware off.

Our child really likes us together as I've always made her my main priority.

Should I really confront her? I feel the best option is slowly just withdraw myself from her altogether.

[Alexa]

I can tell you're going through a tough time, and it's never easy dealing with a complicated co-parenting situation. First and foremost, I want to acknowledge that your feelings are valid, and it's understandable to be hurt and frustrated by the things you've discovered. It's a challenging situation, and I'm here to offer some insights and advice.

Let's start with the snooping part. I get it; you felt the need to snoop due to suspicions, but deep down, you know it's not the best way to deal with trust issues. Trust is crucial in any relationship, especially when you're co-parenting. Snooping can often lead to more misunderstandings and can make things worse. So, good call on not wanting to confront her this time. It's a step in the right direction.

However, the real question is whether you should confront her about your relationship and her behavior. It's a tough call, but communication is key, especially when you're co-parenting. You don't have to bring up the specifics of your snooping, but discussing your concerns and feelings is important. You have a child together, and the way you both interact can significantly impact their well-being.

Approach this conversation with a calm and non-confrontational attitude. Express your desire to maintain a healthy co-parenting relationship for the sake of your child. Share your feelings and concerns, but try to avoid accusing or blaming. Remember, the goal is not to rekindle your romantic relationship but to ensure a stable and harmonious environment for your child.

Now, when it comes to her behavior, like bad-mouthing you to her friends and lying about your relationship, it can be hurtful and frustrating. But take solace in the fact that you can't control her actions; you can only control how you react. Focus on being the best parent you can be, continue to prioritize your child, and let your actions speak louder than her words.

In time, people tend to see the truth, and your child will notice your dedication and love. As for the friends, don't engage in negative talk about your ex; it will only perpetuate the negativity. Instead, maintain a positive, respectful image.

In the end, withdrawing from her altogether may not be the best option, especially when it comes to co-parenting. Find a balance that works for you and your child. Seek support, whether through therapy, counseling, or a trusted friend. Remember, you are not alone, and there's a community of people who've been through similar experiences, ready to offer advice and a listening ear. Stay strong, and focus on what's best for your child; you've got this!

[Rob]

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through such a tough time right now. It's clear that you're dealing with a lot of emotions and uncertainty, and I totally understand why you might be feeling conflicted about how to handle this situation.

First and foremost, it's important to acknowledge that trust and communication are the cornerstones of any healthy relationship, especially when you're co-parenting. It's not easy when you discover things that shake your trust, and it's even harder when your child's happiness is at stake. I can sense your desire to protect your child's well-being, and that's truly admirable.

From what you've shared, it seems like trust has been eroded in your relationship, and it's causing a lot of pain. Snooping on someone's phone is never ideal, and it often leads to more harm than good. But we're all human, and we make mistakes. It's important to forgive yourself for snooping and focus on the bigger picture.

You mentioned that you don't want to confront her this time, given the circumstances. I think that's a valid choice. Sometimes, in situations where the trust has been severely damaged, trying to confront the issue directly can lead to more conflict and emotional distress. Instead, you could consider a different approach – focusing on yourself and your child.

It's essential to prioritize your mental health and well-being, especially when battling depression. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist who can help you navigate these complex emotions. Your mental health should be your top priority, as it can significantly impact your ability to co-parent effectively.

As for the relationship with your child's mother, it might be a good idea to establish some healthy boundaries. This doesn't mean completely cutting her out of your life but rather protecting yourself from further emotional harm. You can communicate with her about co-parenting matters, but when it comes to personal issues and relationships, it's okay to create some distance.

Your child's happiness is important, but remember that a happy parent is more likely to provide a stable and nurturing environment. Your child will benefit from seeing you healthy, happy, and emotionally stable.

In the long run, if both of you can find a way to co-parent amicably and put your child's needs first, that would be the ideal situation. However, it might take time and healing before you can reach that point. Take things one step at a time, and don't be too hard on yourself for your past actions. Your journey towards healing and healthier co-parenting will take time, patience, and self-compassion.