Boyfriend hurt me 2 years ago, and I can’t let go. Should I leave?

[frds1015]

Hello! I am a 24 year old man in a relationship with a 25 year old man. We’ve been together for 2 years, and now live together. My issue is that, at the start of the relationship, he did things that I’m still not over. He boasted about talking with his exes, he would talk to me about his exes and past sexual relationships nonstop, he would say things like “I’m so glad I had sex with other people before meeting you, so I can have the experience,” knowing full well that he is and was my first partner in every way.

Then on our first Valentine’s Day about 6 months into the relationship, we were having sex and he was struggling. He said “Sex with [ex] was so much easier.” I just told him never to do that again. Amonth later, he asked me to visit him at work. I said “I’m anxious to because I don’t want you getting in trouble.” He said, “Well guess what? [Ex] used to visit me all the time so maybe he cared more haha” as a joking way to get me to visit him.

He has since changed. He no longer compares me or makes me feel inadequate. He has apologized profusely, and told me those things were reflections of his low self esteem and not of me. But I still hold it against him. I have a therapist, and I’m working on this, but I still find myself not being able to get over it. Every time we have sex I think about the comparison. I always compare myself to his exes now, which I didn’t do at first but his comments made me feel that I needed to.

He has the done the mature thing of apologizing and growing, yet I cannot forgive. Because it is toxic of me to hold him accountable for something he did years ago now, should I leave him for his sake?

[John]

It's clear that you're facing a challenging situation in your relationship, and it's commendable that you're seeking advice and working on your feelings with the help of a therapist. Relationships can be complex, and addressing issues from the past requires patience, understanding, and open communication. Let's explore some perspectives and guidance that might help you navigate this situation.

Firstly, it's essential to acknowledge the progress your partner has made. People can change and grow, and it seems like he has recognized his past behavior, taken responsibility, and made efforts to improve. This is a positive sign and indicates his commitment to the relationship.

It's completely valid that you're struggling to overcome the hurt caused by his previous comments and actions. Emotional wounds take time to heal, and it's crucial to give yourself the space and support needed for that healing process. Working with your therapist is a positive step, and I encourage you to continue sharing your feelings and thoughts with them.

Understanding the root cause of your partner's past behavior, as he mentioned, was linked to his own insecurities. People often make mistakes when they are grappling with their self-esteem. While this doesn't excuse the hurtful comments, it might provide some insight into his mindset at the time. His acknowledgment of this and efforts to change are crucial factors to consider.

Now, when it comes to your decision about whether to stay in the relationship, it's important to weigh the positives against the negatives. Consider the current dynamics of your relationship, the emotional connection you share, and whether there's genuine love and respect between you two. Reflecting on the positive changes he has made may help in putting the past into perspective.

However, it's equally important to prioritize your own well-being. If you find that you're unable to fully move past the hurt and it's affecting your emotional health, it's okay to reassess your needs and the future of the relationship. Relationships should ideally contribute to our happiness and growth, and it's crucial to ensure that you're in a space where you can thrive emotionally.

Leaving a relationship is a significant decision, and it's not something to be taken lightly. It might be beneficial to have an open and honest conversation with your partner about your lingering feelings and concerns. Effective communication can foster understanding, and it's possible that he might have insights or reassurances that could aid in your healing process.

Remember, there is no one-size-fits-all solution to relationship challenges. Each person and relationship is unique. It's okay to prioritize your own emotional well-being while also considering the growth and positive changes your partner has demonstrated. Whatever decision you make, make sure it aligns with your values and contributes to your overall happiness and fulfillment.

In conclusion, continue working with your therapist, engage in open communication with your partner, and give yourself the time and space needed for healing. Relationships require effort from both sides, and it's the mutual understanding and support that often lead to growth and resilience.

[Anthonia]

Firstly, let me commend you for reaching out and seeking guidance on a complex and personal matter. Relationships can be challenging, and it's not uncommon to face hurdles along the way. I want to assure you that your feelings are valid, and it's important to prioritize your emotional well-being.

It's evident that you've been grappling with the impact of your partner's past behavior, particularly the comparisons and references to his exes. It's understandable that such remarks can leave a lasting impression, affecting your self-esteem and the overall dynamic of your relationship. The fact that your partner has acknowledged his past mistakes, apologized, and expressed personal growth is a positive step. However, healing from emotional wounds takes time and is a unique journey for each individual.

You've mentioned that you're currently working with a therapist, which is a commendable and proactive approach to addressing these lingering concerns. Therapy provides a safe space to explore your emotions, gain insights, and develop coping mechanisms. It's crucial to continue this therapeutic process and communicate openly with your therapist about the challenges you're facing.

Now, let's delve into the question of whether to stay or leave the relationship. Relationships are complex, and deciding whether to continue or end one requires careful consideration. It's important to assess the present dynamics of your relationship and whether both partners are actively contributing to a healthy, supportive environment.

While your partner has made efforts to change his behavior, it's equally essential to evaluate the impact of these changes on your emotional well-being. Ask yourself whether the trust and security in the relationship have been reestablished, and if you genuinely feel that the improvements are sustainable. Your feelings are valid, and it's crucial to prioritize your own happiness and mental health.

Consider engaging in open and honest communication with your partner. Share your thoughts, concerns, and the ongoing struggle you face in fully overcoming the past. A healthy relationship thrives on effective communication, empathy, and mutual understanding. Expressing your feelings can create an opportunity for both of you to strengthen your connection and work together towards a more fulfilling partnership.

Now, regarding the idea of leaving for his sake – it's essential to recognize that decisions about relationships should prioritize the well-being of both individuals involved. While it's compassionate to consider your partner's feelings, staying in a relationship solely for the other person may lead to resentment and dissatisfaction in the long run.

Instead of framing it as leaving for his sake, frame it as making a decision for both of your well-beings. It's about acknowledging your own needs, desires, and emotional health, as well as considering whether the relationship aligns with your long-term goals and values.

Navigating the complexities of a relationship requires patience, self-reflection, and open communication. Your therapist can provide valuable insights and support as you continue on your journey of healing and self-discovery. Remember, you deserve a relationship that brings you joy, security, and fulfillment.