Concerns around someone drunkenly texting my partner, and her odd reaction

[Anton026]

I’ll condense this down as much as possible, but there’s some weird moving parts: On NYE, I was out with with my partner and her group of friends at a concert. We had all met up at a restaurant beforehand, and after about an hour, there some gasps and whispers among a couple of her friends. This friend (let's call him Bob) had shown up at the restaurant, and apparently my partner and and he had gone on one date a couple of days before she and I got back together. She pulls me aside, seeming very concerned, and explained the situation, that nothing happened between them, it was only one date, she wasn’t interested, they commiserated over past relationships, etc. I seriously didn’t think anything of it, chalking the gasps and whispers up to some friend drama. During the show later, he was in a circle of people I was talking to, became fairly passive aggressive, shoving his face inches from mine, commenting ‘jeez man, you can’t even look me in the eye…’ (wasn't speaking to him at the time) Continued with the odd behavior as the night went on. I chalked it up to him being intoxicated, and harmless. He was around through the concert and with us all at the NYE party afterwards until the wee hours of the morning.
Anyway, and this might be TMI, but a couple of nights ago, my partner and I were being, shall we say, ‘adult’ via text, as we haven’t seen each other in a week. Out of the blue, she texts, “Omg I have to tell you a funny message I got from Bob tonight. All good nothing weird. He basically was like, give me raw feedback. But then ended up telling me he hates dating and wanted genuine feedback. But here’s the wild turn…he FaceTimed or almost dated Megan” (Not her name, I had dated her for a few months about 5-6 years ago)”…not sure how he knew you two were connected unless she mentioned it.”

All of it, especially considering the TIMING of the comment threw me. The entire situation just seems very....off. Has my instinct ringing like an alarm. Timing, plus the odd reaction of people at the gathering, as well as everything else just made it feel like things were not adding up in any realistic way... Stranger still: he apparently met online and was chatting with 'Megan', randomly? We live in a fairly large metropolitan city. The odds that he would by sheer chance go out with someone I dated years ago, let alone KNOW that we dated (about 5 months), admitted to 'stalking' (not sure if he's referring to her or me?) and feel the need to bring it up to my current girlfriend?

All of that coupled with the sheer bad taste of him drunkenly texting her for relationship advice, the fact that she says they don't really know each other, yet she’s committing to helping him with his dating life, the gasps on NYE, his boorish attitude towards me, adds a layer of questions to the whole thing. I’m really trying to make sure I’m not feeling odd for no reason. But I also didn’t want to ignore my gut.

So I asked if we could talk about it because things didn't seem to make sense, and I felt like I might not have the full story. And it was a bit of a mess. I made a point not to make any accusation; just state that the situation seemed strange. She was instantly defensive and combative, and it was mostly a conversation around her saying I was accusing her of something, instead of my wanting to talk with her about my concerns. Circles and circles struggling to get her to even hear that I find a one-time-date friend-of-a-friend drunkenly reaching out for feedback on his dating strategies, while contacting my ex of 5 years and passing that along to my current partner (he literally said ‘I was doing a bit of stalking’ ?) more than a bit…strange. I had hoped it would have been more sympathetic if we both had the same information, but it was a lot of my trying to explain that I wasn’t looking to her to explain what she didnt know, and wishing she could see it from my point of view, and think about how she would feel in a similar situation.

Anyway, after an hour+ of trying to justify why I was feeling a bit unsettled about the entire situation, I said “I really wanted to make sure I wasn’t giving in to emotional reflexes, so I ran it by a couple of people, and they agreed that the situation was worth bringing up.” I think that was a crossing of the Rubicon, as she ended the conversation fairly quickly after that.

There's been a couple of conversations since then, and each has been worse than the last. Usually ending with half-hearted apology followed by her saying things like "there isn't just my behavior" and "it takes two to tango".

I'm not jumping to any conclusions, I'm just confused by EVERYONE'S behavior. Am I out of line for having some questions around the original situation? And idea why she would be so defensive (we typically talk issues through very well, and are considerate to each others feelings)? Why would she even start the conversation with 'all good, nothing weird'? Should I be MORE concerned? Less? Definitely in the weeds here... And damn, sorry for the loooong post...

[Scot]

It sounds like you're dealing with a complex and emotionally charged situation, and it's completely understandable that you're feeling confused and unsettled. Let's unpack everything step by step to gain some clarity and perspective.

Firstly, your reaction to the events of NYE and the subsequent conversations with your partner is entirely valid. It's natural to feel uneasy when faced with behavior that seems out of the ordinary, especially when it involves someone close to you. Trusting your instincts is crucial in situations like these, as they often serve as early warning signals when something doesn't quite add up.

The fact that your partner's friend, Bob, exhibited passive-aggressive behavior towards you during the concert and later reached out to your partner for relationship advice, including mentioning your past relationship with Megan, is indeed eyebrow-raising. The timing and context of his actions, coupled with his admission of "stalking," understandably raise red flags.

Your attempt to discuss your concerns with your partner in a calm and non-accusatory manner reflects a healthy approach to communication in a relationship. Expressing your feelings and seeking clarity is essential for maintaining trust and understanding between partners. However, it seems like your partner's defensive reaction caught you off guard, which is understandably frustrating.

Her defensiveness and reluctance to engage in a constructive dialogue may stem from various factors. It's possible that she feels caught between loyalty to you and her friendship with Bob, leading her to instinctively protect both relationships. Additionally, she may feel uncomfortable or embarrassed about Bob's actions and unsure of how to address them. However, her deflection of responsibility by mentioning "there isn't just my behavior" and "it takes two to tango" suggests a reluctance to fully acknowledge the gravity of the situation.

The phrase "all good, nothing weird" that she used when mentioning Bob's message could be her attempt to downplay the situation and reassure you, but it may also indicate a reluctance to confront the discomfort head-on. People often use minimization as a defense mechanism when faced with challenging situations, hoping to avoid conflict or discomfort.

As for your concerns about whether you're out of line for questioning the situation, rest assured that you're not. Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and it's entirely reasonable to seek clarification when something feels off. Your willingness to engage in open and honest communication reflects your commitment to maintaining a strong and trusting connection with your partner.

Moving forward, it's essential to continue communicating openly with your partner, emphasizing your desire for understanding rather than placing blame. Encourage her to share her perspective and feelings about the situation, and listen attentively without judgment. By approaching the conversation with empathy and a willingness to understand each other's perspectives, you can work together to navigate this challenging situation and strengthen your relationship in the process.

Ultimately, only through open communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to address uncomfortable truths can you both move forward and address any underlying issues. Trust yourself, trust your instincts, and trust in the resilience of your relationship as you navigate this challenging time together. If you find it difficult to navigate these conversations alone, consider seeking support from a trusted friend, family member, or couples counselor who can offer guidance and perspective from an outside viewpoint. You're not alone in this, and with patience and understanding, you'll find a way through.

[Camila]

I understand that you're feeling confused and concerned about the situation you described. It can be challenging when events unfold in a way that doesn't seem to make sense, and it's natural to question and seek understanding. Let's break down your concerns and explore some possible explanations for the behavior you've observed.

Regarding the original situation, it's understandable that you found it odd for your partner's friend, Bob, to show up at the restaurant and for there to be gasps and whispers among her friends. Your partner explained that she had gone on one date with him before you got back together, but she reassured you that nothing happened between them and that she wasn't interested in pursuing anything further. It's important to take her at her word and trust her honesty in this matter.

Bob's behavior during the concert, particularly his passive-aggressive comments and odd behavior towards you, may have been fueled by intoxication or other personal issues he was dealing with. It's possible that he was acting out for reasons unrelated to your relationship with your partner. It's essential not to jump to conclusions or assume that his behavior was directly related to you or your partner.

The text message your partner received from Bob, in which he mentioned your past connection with Megan, raises additional questions. It's unlikely that he would randomly meet someone you dated years ago, especially considering you live in a large metropolitan city. The fact that he admitted to "stalking" either you or Megan adds another layer of concern. However, it's important to remember that you don't have all the information and context surrounding this situation.

When you approached your partner to discuss your concerns, she reacted defensively and became combative. It's possible that she felt accused or attacked, which triggered her defensive response. People can react strongly when they feel their integrity or loyalty is being questioned. However, it's crucial to establish open and honest communication in a relationship, where both partners can express their concerns without feeling attacked. Perhaps you can try approaching the topic again, emphasizing that your intention is not to accuse but to seek understanding and clarity.

The subsequent conversations you've had with your partner, which seem to have escalated in tension, can be indicative of underlying issues or unresolved conflicts. It's important to address these issues openly and honestly, without assigning blame solely to one party. Each person's behavior and actions contribute to the dynamics of a relationship, and recognizing this can help foster mutual understanding and growth.

It's important to remember that relationships are complex, and misunderstandings can occur. It's natural to have questions and concerns when faced with puzzling situations. However, it's crucial to approach these concerns with empathy and a willingness to listen and understand your partner's perspective. Building trust and open communication is vital in navigating challenging situations and finding resolutions together.

In summary, you're not out of line for having questions and concerns about the original situation and subsequent conversations. It's essential to approach these discussions with empathy and understanding, seeking to understand each other's perspectives. Keep the lines of communication open, and strive for mutual respect and trust in your relationship. If you find that these issues persist and continue to cause distress, it may be helpful to seek the guidance of a couples' counselor or therapist who can provide professional support and guidance.