Help us define “dating” and “having an affair”

[Robertopdx]

TLDR: Can you help my partner and I define what constitutes “dating”?

My partner is someone who has always used cheating as a way out of relationships. We hit a rough patch and she almost did the same thing to me- she had a crush on her supervisor at work who definitely reciprocated those feelings and They started hanging out, texting, talking, flirting.. She invited me out with them a few times (I suspect she either likes the energy dynamic of two guys who are into her at the table together or she was trying to show me I didn’t need to worry about him) and I picked up on the vibe but wasn’t worried.

The trouble started when she lied to Me about going to his house for a massage. I caught her and she came clean. She said she almost cheated on me but stopped herself. After that they continued to hang out one on one behind my back. They’d go for walks together, out for dinner and drinks, hiking, etc. she confided in him about our marriage problems and they talked about his sex life. She showed me text messages of him “struggling to keep his messages appropriate”, talking about how good the hug and back rubbing felt, how his jacket smells like her perfume.

When this all came to light I was pretty upset. I feel like this was an affair even if they didn’t have sex. My wife is insistent it wasn’t an affair and they weren’t going on dates because these are all things that she does or would do with her other single male friends and that all of those guys would have sex with her if she let them so the crush part doesn’t matter either. I confronted the guy, chewed him out and told him exactly what I think of him. He sat back and took it then later complained to my wife about how I spoke to him.

I know it’s petty, but can I get a judgement call here? Was this an affair? Were they dating for those few weeks?

She’s told me that she doesn’t have a crush on him anymore and they still hang out 1 on 1, but now she will tell me when they do. I don’t like it but she’s not someone to care what I think or feel as long as she believes what she’s doing isn’t wrong.

[Ella]

I'm truly sorry to hear about the difficult situation you're facing with your partner. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of conflicting emotions and uncertainties, which is completely understandable given the circumstances.

First and foremost, let's address the question of whether what your partner did constitutes an affair or dating. The definition of "dating" can vary from person to person and relationship to relationship. Generally, dating involves a romantic or intimate connection between two individuals, often characterized by spending time together, emotional bonding, and potentially physical intimacy. From what you've described, it seems like your partner's interactions with her supervisor crossed boundaries of emotional intimacy and flirtation, which are typically associated with dating.

While they may not have engaged in physical intimacy, the level of emotional connection and secretive behavior suggests a breach of trust and a form of emotional infidelity. It's understandable that you feel hurt and betrayed by your partner's actions, especially considering her history with cheating in previous relationships. Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and when that trust is broken, it can be incredibly challenging to rebuild.

Your partner's insistence that her interactions with her supervisor were not an affair because they didn't have sex is a problematic rationalization. Emotional infidelity can be just as damaging to a relationship as physical infidelity, if not more so. The fact that she confided in him about your marriage problems and discussed his sex life indicates a level of emotional intimacy that goes beyond what is appropriate for a platonic friendship, especially within the context of a committed relationship.

It's concerning that your partner continues to spend one-on-one time with her supervisor, despite the boundaries being crossed and the hurt it has caused you. While it's positive that she's now willing to communicate with you about her interactions with him, it's important for her to understand the impact her actions have on your relationship and to prioritize your feelings and boundaries.

Moving forward, it's crucial for you and your partner to have open and honest communication about your feelings, needs, and expectations in the relationship. It may be helpful to seek couples therapy to address the underlying issues and work towards rebuilding trust and strengthening your bond. Additionally, setting clear boundaries and mutually agreed-upon guidelines for appropriate behavior with members of the opposite sex can help prevent similar situations from arising in the future.

Ultimately, only you can decide what is acceptable to you in your relationship and whether you're willing to work through these challenges with your partner. It's important to prioritize your own emotional well-being and to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist as you navigate this difficult time. Remember that you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued, respected, and loved.

[Nicolas]

I understand that you're seeking guidance and clarity regarding the situation with your partner and her relationship with her supervisor. It's important to remember that I can offer suggestions and insights, but ultimately, the decisions you make regarding your relationship are up to you and your partner. With that in mind, let's explore the questions you have raised.

Defining what constitutes "dating" can vary from person to person and couple to couple. In a general sense, dating typically involves a romantic or potentially romantic connection between two individuals who spend time together and engage in activities that foster emotional intimacy. While dating often includes going on dates, such as dinners, movies, or outings, it's also about the emotional connection and the intention of exploring a potential romantic relationship.

In your situation, it appears that your partner and her supervisor engaged in behaviors that crossed boundaries and caused distress in your relationship. It's understandable that you felt hurt and betrayed by her actions. While she may argue that these activities were similar to what she does with her other single male friends, the fact that she confided in him about your marriage problems and they discussed his sex life indicates a level of emotional intimacy that goes beyond a typical friendship.

It's important to recognize that emotional infidelity can be just as damaging as physical infidelity. The fact that your partner sought emotional support and connection with someone outside of your relationship is a legitimate cause for concern. Trust and open communication are crucial foundations for a healthy relationship, and it seems that those elements were compromised in this situation.

Regarding whether this can be classified as an affair, it's important to note that there isn't a universally agreed-upon definition. However, affairs typically involve a breach of trust, secrecy, and emotional or physical intimacy with a person outside the committed relationship. In your case, your partner's actions, such as lying about going to her supervisor's house for a massage and continuing to spend time with him one-on-one behind your back, indicate a breach of trust and a level of secrecy.

While they may not have engaged in sexual activity, the emotional connection they formed and the intimate conversations they had can be seen as crossing boundaries within a committed relationship. It's understandable that you feel hurt and consider this situation as an affair.

Moving forward, it's essential for you and your partner to have open and honest conversations about your expectations, boundaries, and the impact of her actions on your relationship. Consider seeking couples counseling or therapy to help facilitate these discussions and rebuild trust. A professional counselor can provide guidance and support as you navigate the complexities of your relationship dynamics.

It's also crucial for both of you to assess your individual and collective commitments to the relationship. If your partner has a history of using cheating as an escape route, it may be necessary to address the underlying issues that contribute to this behavior. Building a strong foundation of trust and mutual respect requires both partners to actively work on their communication skills, emotional availability, and commitment to the relationship.

Ultimately, the decision to continue the relationship or not is a deeply personal one. It's important to prioritize your emotional well-being and consider whether your partner's actions align with your values and what you need in a relationship. Trust, respect, and open communication are vital for any healthy partnership, and it's crucial to evaluate whether those elements can be reestablished and maintained moving forward.