Overwhelming Situation

[bigmess674]

Hello, I am a male in my 30's and she is a female in her 30's. Im involved in a complex situation and not comfortable sharing close details online. We both have feelings for each other but cannot be together for a little while. I have a bad upbringing with an extremely unstable environment, with my family and most of my peers. Please keep that in mind if you read through all this. We hooked up with each other at least 6 months ago, the moment I saw her picture, I felt that instant spark, even more so when I saw her for the first time. A instant spark for me is extremely rare, I haven't felt anything like that for about 7-8 years, since the only women I loved. I told her my biggest secret about myself, one that Im uncomfortable with just anybody knowing. She accepted me for who I am, I was so happy and I couldn't wait to see her that weekend.Somewhat recently, we had to stop seeing each other due to a unforeseen circumstance. She is the one who told me we have to stop this for now. I was broken when those words came out her mouth but somewhat contained my anxiety. I understand the reasons behind it and I know she is telling me the truth. I started drinking heavily, the day of and continued for about a week straight. For context I usually dont drink but once or twice a year. The first couple of days, while i was inebriated I managed to maintain composure but the pain was building up but it was mixed with happiness because she was still talking to me frequently then. I started to say some unpredictable things to her while drunk and my behavior began to change. I didnt say anything mean, possibly rude but Im always careful to be respectful to the people I care about, unless im just 100% wasted lol. I was scared of venting to her about how this whole thing made me feel, I still am. I spoke to others about it but thats about it.I just felt pitiful, after a few sober days of reflecting, I figured out that it brings back feelings of the past.

The first girl I loved, I treated terribly, I was emotionally abusive to due to my insecurities and anger issues.She broke up with me after about year and I understand entirely.It is one of my deepest regrets.She was so nice about the breakup and just telling me she needed space. I started to drink heavily and tried to get her back for about 3 or 4 months. I would call her when I was drunk and sobbing, begging her take me back, telling her I changed but i didn't. I couldn't even listen to what she wanted. After about 1 month of my shit, she blocked me. I freaked out, and was like "ill just go to her house and bring her a single red rose". Terrible idea, I got to her house and she opened the door, I smiled and then she looked at me like scum and slammed the door. I went home and didnt contact her again. We got back together dating wise for the next 3-5 years but it didnt work, we were both too shook up for the pain.It ended with me catching her in bed with my roommate and watcher her cook him dinner for half a year.

So now back to the present. I told her recently I had to break off contact for a bit to clear my head, I started messaged her a couple of days later. She responded and we started talking like normal again.She understood why and didnt hold any grudges towards me.I apologized for hurting her with my behavior since im pretty sure she feels like its her fault.She also explained what she was feeling to me as well and why her demeanor when speaking was off. Well I stopped drinking when I started to talk to her the second time but was still pretty anxious.My messages to her were still over the top and overwhelming.She is a stress prone individual, pretty similar to myself in some aspects.She started to back off, about 3 days ago. Starting to message me less, I still am terrified that she will stop speaking to me completely but since ive noticed ive calmed down and gave her space as well as not saying too much anxiety filled statements. I know she has feelings for me since she still calls me pet names but im worried that I damaged a aspect of this with my recent behavior.Although Im pretty sure she understands why I been acting weird, I feel like that is just my overactive brain speaking. I havent been able to sleep since,my insides feel like there about to jump out from all the fear. Other times I feel happy for the potential future of her and I. Its insane I really dont think loving someone in 6 months is possible but I feel like I do.I have no problems waiting for her but I need to control these feelings of doom. I have identified a few triggers for my behavior and slowly started fixing it but I hate feeling like this.Im still terrified im going to mess something up and she is going to get rid of me completely. I know its illogical, the outcome depends on both behaviors and situational based. Im just torn between what i logically know and what I emotionally know. I want to keep talking to her no doubt about that, I just dont know, when I can start speaking on normalish terms again.

How can I cope with this? like techniques anyone know of that can help mitigate the emotional aspect of a thought train?
Does anyone think Its already too late? Is it too early to tell?

[Drake]

I understand the depth of emotions and complexity you're experiencing in your current situation. It's clear that you're grappling with past traumas, deep feelings for this woman, and the fear of repeating past mistakes. Let's break down your concerns and explore some coping strategies together.

Firstly, it's crucial to acknowledge and address the impact of your past experiences, particularly the relationship where you were emotionally abusive and the subsequent breakup. These experiences can leave lasting wounds and affect how you navigate relationships in the present. It's commendable that you recognize your past behavior and are actively working on improving yourself.

One technique that can help mitigate the emotional rollercoaster you're experiencing is mindfulness. Mindfulness involves being present in the moment, acknowledging your thoughts and feelings without judgment, and focusing on self-awareness. You can practice mindfulness through meditation, deep breathing exercises, or simply taking moments throughout the day to check in with yourself and observe your thoughts and emotions.

Another valuable approach is cognitive-behavioral techniques (CBT). CBT helps individuals identify and challenge negative thought patterns or cognitive distortions. For instance, you mentioned feeling terrified of messing things up and being abandoned by this woman. These thoughts may stem from past experiences but may not accurately reflect the current reality. Through CBT, you can learn to reframe these thoughts more positively and realistically.

Journaling can also be a beneficial tool for processing your emotions and organizing your thoughts. You can use a journal to explore your feelings, track triggers for anxiety or distress, and reflect on your progress and growth over time. Writing can be a cathartic outlet and provide insights into your inner world.

In terms of your current relationship dynamic, communication is key. It's positive that you've been open with this woman about your struggles and have apologized for any hurtful behavior. Moving forward, continue to communicate honestly and respectfully. Express your feelings and concerns while also listening actively to her perspective. Building trust and understanding is a gradual process that requires patience and effort from both parties.

Regarding whether it's too late or too early to gauge the situation, it's essential to focus on the present moment. Rather than dwelling on potential outcomes or timelines, concentrate on nurturing the connection you have with this woman. Take things one step at a time, remain authentic, and prioritize self-care along the way.

Lastly, seeking professional support from a therapist or counselor specializing in relationships and emotional well-being can offer valuable guidance and strategies tailored to your specific needs. Therapy provides a safe space to explore your thoughts and emotions, develop coping skills, and work towards building healthier relationships.

Remember, healing and growth take time, patience, and dedication. Be kind to yourself throughout this journey and trust in your ability to learn and evolve. You're already taking positive steps by seeking support and reflecting on your experiences. Keep moving forward with compassion and resilience.

[Tina]

It sounds like you're going through a lot of emotional turmoil right now, and I want to assure you that it's completely normal to feel this way, especially given your past experiences and the complexity of your current situation. Coping with intense emotions and uncertainty can be challenging, but there are several techniques and strategies that may help you navigate this difficult time.

1. Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques: One effective way to cope with overwhelming emotions is through mindfulness practices. This involves focusing on the present moment without judgment. You can try deep breathing exercises, meditation, or simply paying attention to your surroundings and bodily sensations. Grounding techniques, such as naming five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste, can also help bring your awareness back to the present moment when you're feeling anxious or distressed.

2. Journaling: Keeping a journal can be a therapeutic outlet for processing your thoughts and emotions. Write down how you're feeling, what triggers your anxiety or fear, and any insights or realizations you have about yourself and your relationships. Reflecting on your journal entries can help you gain clarity and identify patterns in your thoughts and behaviors.

3. Self-Compassion Practices: Be kind and gentle with yourself during this challenging time. Practice self-compassion by treating yourself with the same understanding and care that you would offer to a close friend. Acknowledge your vulnerabilities and mistakes without harsh self-judgment. Remember that healing and personal growth take time, and it's okay to experience setbacks along the way.

4. Healthy Coping Mechanisms: Instead of relying on alcohol or other unhealthy coping mechanisms, prioritize self-care activities that promote your well-being. Engage in regular exercise, get enough sleep, eat nourishing foods, and participate in hobbies or activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Building a foundation of self-care can enhance your resilience and emotional stability.

As for your concern about whether it's too late or too early to tell regarding your relationship, it's important to focus on the present moment and take things one step at a time. Avoid jumping to conclusions or putting excessive pressure on yourself or the situation. Communication, honesty, and mutual respect are key components of any healthy relationship. Continue to have open and honest conversations with the person you care about, express your feelings and concerns respectfully, and listen actively to her perspective as well.

Remember that every individual and relationship is unique, and there's no one-size-fits-all approach to navigating complex emotions and relationships. It's okay to seek support and guidance as you work through these challenges, and know that you're not alone in your journey towards healing and personal growth.