Married & feeling done

[SC88]

I'm a married 35yo mother of two boys.

Married for 13 years - during this time, I have been loyal, loving hard & forgiving my husband for his actions (that were not acceptable, not keeping boundaries, flirting, visit to the prostitute etc). I would say in total, I could count 5+ events that had affected me which I approached him about but was brushed off. He is an extrovert & loves company of others while I'm an introvert & focus on the inner peace.

I think it came to a point where one day I woke up & felt 'I am done' - but FT work, kids etc - I don't think I had the time to think.

We had a flatmate 'N' who moved in soon after - a young man in his late 20's who had come out of a broken place & wanted space away from everything he went through - which he chose our place.

Him & I got along well - we would open up to me about his past, which was quite dark & had just broken up with his partner so both being quite broken, we connected.

Hubby didn't like this & told me to keep my distance, that he feels 'N' isn't keeping his boundaries.

That is when I flipped - talking to him for hours is nothing compared to what you did & how you brushed me off, yet, you expect me to listen to how you feel? I think at that point I knew I was done & it hit me hard. I broke down in front of hubby & exploded with all my emotions going back 13 years until now - & how I feel about him now = no emotions, no love, just numb. Not even angry anymore. That if he was to go flirt now, I'll feel fine.

Since then, all hell broke lose.

'N' knew what has happening since I told him & obvious as he lived with us. He could see what was going on.

'N' & I continued to be our normal selves around the house (& so did hubby, but you could tell he had his eagle eyes out). 'N' & I would text each other often, talk etc, hubby & I would continue to argue - I was getting exhausted but my feelings for 'N' were growing.

I knew deep down that I wanted to escape from hubby and numerous times I would tell him I am done, that we should end this relationship but continue on as responsible parents & sort out the life we shared. 'N' continued to support me throughout this rollercoaster ride - he was such a great listener, emphasized deeply, gave advice (where he thought our relationship was toxic, that he felt hubby was controlling me, that I am worth more than his pride, that my happiness is most important etc). But at the same time, 'N' & I grew closer - eg: If I left the house to see a friend & call him out later, he would be there in a heartbeat. Or if I had plans in the city which involved drinking & needed a way to get back home, he'd come to collect me etc. We would talk about my troubled relationship (just us 2) & he would then hold my hand. We felt attraction, which was dangerous I know...

'N' & I talked about it & we confirmed that both being in a broken place, we are there for each other. I told 'N' that if anyone blames our bonding is the reason for why I'm on the verge of leaving hubby & that I'm leaving the marriage due to 'cheating' with 'N' - that whatever anything thinks, it is not true & that 'N' you've done nothing wrong. That I thank you for being here for me. 'N' told me he wasn't ready for anything serious but if I want, we could be in an open relationship until my situation is sorted, that we could discuss further after I've settled.

Hubby gave 'N' a really hard time during his stay with us - knowing what was happening, he confronted 'N' several times. The most recent event (before 'N' vacated) was throwing his fist at 'N', threatening him & telling him to F off. 'N' thought it was best he leaves so he did.

By this point, I had left the house - I stayed with my parents for a week to have some me time. Everything that was going on was so overwhelming & I couldn't stand anything at this point. Work allowed me to switch off from personal life for a moment.

Hubby's friends tell hubby that 'N' is a threat & that he is crazy to come into our lives like this & do what he did.

My friends on the other hand, understood me & knew why all this had happened the way it did - actually felt sorry for 'N' being that middle person & dealing with hubby's abuse.

When 'N' rushed to move out, he had nowhere to go so stayed in an Air BNB for a couple nights & asked if I wanted to come over. So I did. He asked if I had made up my mind around my marriage but I couldn't give him an answer.

Since then, I could tell 'N' was keeping a distance from me. The communications we normally had everyday, chatting away non-stop via text reduced from his end & I could sense he was slowly pulling away.

After my personal time at home with my parents, I was able to think. I felt - responsibility for my two boys, hubby was crying to me everyday asking me to come back, that he will change & loves me so much that he cannot imagine life without me. He was begging. I thought, if I take my emotions out of reality, I could give our marriage another try. That my emotions are not everything, that if I try, maybe we could work again & trust hubby just one more time.

That is when I decided to move back in & I am now living at home with my family again. Hubby has definitely changed - I can see he is trying so hard, caring for me more etc. I can feel he does still love me but I wonder if those unacceptable actions he had done in the past will happen again? I know he is a natural flirt...

I think I closed my heart's door as a defence mechanism towards hubby so I do not feel the pain again. I still have no attraction towards him. It is amazing how the soul closes off just like that. I am shocked at myself. Hubby knows this & is still trying. Since I had decided to give us another try, I feel calm now. My focus is now on myself, to care for myself more & do some activities for myself rather than being a fully dedicated mum & income earner. I think this was another area which burnt me down.

'N' - we still communicate from time to time. I think I really did like him & still do. He knows I'm back with the family but I cannot resist contacting him. He doesn't text me first now - but does respond as though nothing happened. Like friends - no immediate responses & none of the long conversations. More simple talk responses.

For everyone who reads this - I want to ask you what you think of all this that is happening in my life...

- The relationship between my husband & I...

- What you would have done if you were me...

- Was I in the wrong?

- If you were me, what would you have done?

- 'N' & I - what do you think we were? What do you think he was?

- If I end our marriage, what do you think 'N' would do?

- I wonder how much more hubby can take me from here knowing that I am still done but trying to make things work for the family we had built...



Thank you everyone... I know it is long but it is the whole truth & happened within the last two months.

[Elliot]

Firstly, the relationship between you and your husband seems to have gone through significant turmoil. It's evident that you've been deeply hurt by his actions over the years, such as not maintaining boundaries, flirting, and visiting a prostitute. These are serious breaches of trust and can cause immense emotional pain.

Your decision to reach out to your husband about these issues multiple times shows your commitment to the relationship and your willingness to address problems. However, feeling brushed off and ignored can be incredibly disheartening and can lead to a sense of emotional detachment over time.

When 'N' entered your life, it seems like he provided a listening ear and emotional support that you were craving. Your connection with him grew as you both bonded over shared experiences of brokenness. It's important to acknowledge that these emotional bonds can deepen quickly, especially when there's a void in your primary relationship.

Your husband's discomfort with your closeness to 'N' is understandable given the circumstances. However, resorting to threats and violence is never acceptable. It's clear that your husband was struggling with his emotions and felt threatened by the connection you had with 'N.'

You mentioned feeling numb and closed off from your husband emotionally, which is a natural defense mechanism after experiencing repeated hurt and disappointment. It's positive that your husband is making an effort to change and that you're giving the relationship another chance. However, rebuilding trust takes time, consistency, and open communication from both parties.

Now, let's address some of your specific questions:

1. The relationship between you and your husband: It's a complex mix of history, hurt, attempts at reconciliation, and ongoing efforts to rebuild trust. It's crucial to continue open and honest communication, set clear boundaries, and seek couples therapy if needed to address underlying issues.

2. What you would have done if you were me: Everyone's situation is unique, and there's no one-size-fits-all answer. However, prioritizing your emotional well-being, setting boundaries, and seeking support from a therapist or counselor can be beneficial.

3. Was I in the wrong: It's not about right or wrong but about understanding the dynamics of your relationships and taking responsibility for your actions moving forward. Reflecting on past choices and learning from them is essential.

4. If you were me, what would you have done: I would prioritize self-care, seek individual therapy to process emotions and gain clarity, and engage in open and honest conversations with both your husband and 'N' about expectations and boundaries.

5. 'N' & I - what do you think we were? What do you think he was: Your connection with 'N' seems to have provided emotional support and understanding during a difficult time. It's crucial to define the nature of your relationship clearly and ensure that both parties are on the same page regarding expectations and boundaries.

6. If I end our marriage, what do you think 'N' would do: 'N's reaction would depend on the nature of your relationship and his feelings. It's essential to have honest conversations about expectations and potential outcomes.

7. I wonder how much more hubby can take from here knowing that I am still done but trying to make things work for the family we had built: It's crucial to communicate openly with your husband about your feelings and concerns. Building a strong foundation of trust, mutual respect, and understanding is key to moving forward together.

In summary, navigating complex emotions and relationships requires patience, self-reflection, and open communication. Seeking support from trusted individuals and professionals can provide valuable insights and guidance as you navigate this journey of healing and growth.

[Judith]

I understand that you're going through a very challenging and complex situation in your life, and it's important to approach it with care and consideration. I'll try my best to provide you with some guidance and insight based on the information you've shared.

The relationship between you and your husband seems to have been strained for quite some time. You mentioned feeling hurt and brushed off by his actions, such as not keeping boundaries, flirting, and even visiting a prostitute. It's understandable that these actions have affected your trust and emotional connection with him. Trust is a vital component of any healthy relationship, and when it's repeatedly broken, it can be challenging to rebuild.

It's also worth noting that you and your husband have different personality traits. You mentioned being an introvert who focuses on inner peace, while he is an extrovert who enjoys the company of others. These contrasting traits can sometimes lead to misunderstandings and conflicts in a relationship. It's important for both partners to communicate openly, respect each other's boundaries, and find a balance that works for both individuals.

The involvement of your flatmate, 'N,' added another layer of complexity to the situation. It seems that you found solace and support in each other due to your shared experiences of brokenness. However, it's essential to recognize that seeking emotional support outside of your relationship can be a sign of underlying issues within the marriage. Emotional affairs can develop when emotional needs aren't being met within the primary partnership.

Regarding whether you were in the wrong, it's not productive to assign blame in such situations. Relationships are complex, and it's rarely the fault of just one person. However, it's essential to take responsibility for your own actions and decisions. Reflecting on your choices and their consequences can help you gain clarity and make more informed decisions moving forward.

If I were in your position, I would prioritize my own well-being and that of my children. It's crucial to create a safe and healthy environment for yourself and your children, where love, respect, and emotional well-being are nurtured. Seeking professional guidance, such as couples therapy or individual counseling, can be immensely beneficial in helping you navigate these challenges and make the best decisions for yourself and your family.

As for the nature of your relationship with 'N,' it's clear that you developed a deep emotional connection and found support in each other during a difficult time. However, it's important to approach such situations with caution. Emotional affairs can complicate matters and sometimes hinder the ability to work on the primary relationship. It's crucial to evaluate your feelings and intentions carefully and consider the potential consequences of pursuing a relationship outside your marriage.

If you were to end your marriage, it's difficult to predict exactly how 'N' would react. People respond differently to complex situations, and his response would depend on various factors, including his own emotional state and the nature of your relationship at that point. It's important to remember that the decisions you make should be based on your own well-being and not solely on the potential actions or reactions of others.

Lastly, it's difficult to determine how much more your husband can take in terms of your emotional detachment. It's commendable that he is making an effort to change and show his love for you. However, it's important to communicate your needs and concerns openly and honestly with him. Building a healthy and thriving relationship requires both partners to actively work on their individual growth and the growth of the partnership.

In conclusion, the situation you described is complex, and there are no easy answers. It's vital to prioritize your well-being, seek professional guidance, and communicate openly with your husband about your needs, concerns, and expectations. Remember to be patient with yourself and the process, as healing and rebuilding trust takes time.