Desperate for advice please

[Marty2323]

I am after some impartial advice. I am 43 years old and been married for the last 8 years and with her for 12 years. However, the marriage is loveless, and i am immensely unhappy and have been for a long time now. The marriage has been over for a long time. We fight a lot and we are simply just living togetber.




We have 2 children. A son who's 8 with quite significant autism and a daughter who is 6 and on the spectrum slightly. My daughter regularly asks me why I'm sad and unhappy and it breaks my heart.




Now I know this is going to make me sounds like the arsehole so please hear me out.




I have been in a relationship with another woman for the last 2 and a half years. My wife knows and also knows that this woman is the love of my life, my other half and the person I want to be with for the rest of my days. Since we met I have planned to leave many many times but when the crunch comes, I cannot and the reason is that my wife just tells me very calmly that me leaving will damage my children hugely. Tells me how my daughter will cry for me and that even though our marriage isnt a marriage, she wants to keep me at the home for the sake of the family. She knows the right things to say to stop me leaving in the end and i end up letting my person down repeatedly at the last moment causing her huge upset and pain which I never ever want to do. I then obviosuly feel like staying was the right decision but then within days, i still feel the same unhappiness and then hughely sad that i have potentially lost the perosn i am incredibly happy with. She has been amazingly understanding but obviously doubts what I say sometimes as this has happened so much and she is obviously incredibly upset as we wsnt to be together and have our happiness.




I feel trapped between choosing my own happiness and being at the family home for my children.




Now for some extra information.

Me and my wife work school term times so are currently off due to the summer holidays. I was supposed to leave today but the conversation with my wife last night, went as before and I felt immense guilt around this damage she says will be caused. However, now would be the perfect timing to do this as I could use the remaining time of school holidays to get the children used to the idea and hopefully not impact them too much before school returns.




Also another thing I have to consider is would this actually be better for my children if I did leave.

They would have a happy dad when they did see me (which would be twice a week hopefully and every other full weekend). They wouldn't be seeing me and their mum arguing or bickering or see me unhappy and ask me why im sad. Also, my son who is quite autistic, would have new experiences and a whole new support system with my new partner. She also has a 4 year old daughter so fully understands the parental responsibilities and pressures. What if him having her in his life benefitted him and his development hugely? I could be denying him that opportunity by staying at the family home out of the fear of damaging my children as my wife says.




Please take out the part of my initial infidelity, that's irrelevant. My wife knows I'm in love with somsone else. Her only focus in wanting me to stay is for the children. She I suppose wonders maybe something will come back between us but i have told her it will not.




I know I'm not the only parent who has autistic children who has separated so please, can any other dads out there tell me how you've handled the separation and guilt element? Have you seen any significant damage to your children or have they flourished once they got used to the new normal?




Thanks in advance

[Richard]

Navigating the challenges you’re facing is deeply complex, particularly given your responsibilities as a parent. It’s clear that your concern for your children is genuine, and the emotional toll this situation is taking on you is significant. Balancing your own happiness with the needs of your children is not an easy task, and your feelings of guilt and conflict are understandable.

First and foremost, it’s important to acknowledge the strain that an unhappy and conflict-ridden home environment can have on children. While you and your wife may believe that keeping the family together is the best option, children are often very perceptive. Your daughter’s questions about your sadness indicate that she is already sensing the emotional distress in the household. When children are exposed to ongoing tension between their parents, it can affect their emotional well-being and development. In some cases, remaining in a troubled relationship can create an environment of anxiety and insecurity for children, which may be more damaging than the separation itself.

On the other hand, your wife’s concerns about the potential impact of your departure are also valid. The transition to a new family structure can be difficult for children, particularly those with special needs like your son. Children with autism often struggle with changes in routine and environment, and they may find it challenging to adapt to new circumstances. However, the way this transition is managed can significantly influence the outcome. If handled with care, clear communication, and support, children can adjust to new arrangements and even thrive in the long term.

The concept of a “happy dad” is critical here. Children benefit from having parents who are emotionally present, engaged, and content. If you are constantly unhappy and emotionally drained, it’s difficult to be the kind of father you want to be. The potential benefit of being happier and more fulfilled in your life shouldn’t be underestimated. If this leads to a better quality of interaction with your children, it could enhance their sense of security and happiness.

Introducing your children to your new partner and her child is another aspect that requires careful consideration. This will be a significant change for your children, and it’s important to proceed with caution, ensuring that their needs are prioritized. Your partner’s understanding of parental responsibilities is an advantage, but the dynamics between all parties involved will need to be carefully managed. It’s crucial to allow your children time to adjust and to provide them with consistent love, reassurance, and support throughout the transition.

As you contemplate your decision, consider the long-term implications. Staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children might provide a short-term solution, but it may not be sustainable in the long run. Your emotional well-being is crucial to your ability to parent effectively. If staying in the marriage is causing you significant distress, it’s likely that this will continue to affect your relationship with your children.

It’s also worth considering the possibility that your children may flourish in a new environment, particularly if the transition is managed well. They would no longer be exposed to the conflict between you and your wife, and they might benefit from seeing their father in a happier and more stable relationship. Your son’s development could also be positively influenced by the presence of a supportive and understanding adult who can contribute to his growth.

Ultimately, the decision you make should be one that considers both your well-being and the best interests of your children. There is no perfect solution, and any path you choose will have its challenges. However, by approaching the situation with honesty, compassion, and a commitment to doing what’s best for your children, you can navigate this difficult time and work towards a better future for both yourself and your family.

It's a complex and emotional journey, but whatever decision you make, remember that you have the strength and capacity to guide your children through it with love and care.

[Gloria]

I can sense the depth of your emotional turmoil and the complexity of your situation. It's clear that you're torn between pursuing your own happiness and staying in a loveless marriage for the sake of your children. I want to assure you that I'm here to offer impartial advice, and I'll do my best to provide you with a supportive and understanding perspective.

Firstly, let's acknowledge that your situation is not unique, and many parents, including those with autistic children, have navigated similar challenges. It's essential to recognize that your desire for happiness and fulfillment is not selfish; it's a fundamental human need. However, it's equally important to consider the potential impact of your decisions on your children.

It's clear that your wife is using the potential damage to your children as a reason to keep you in the marriage. While it's understandable that she wants to maintain the family unit, it's essential to examine whether this is truly in the best interest of your children. You've mentioned that your children are already witnessing a loveless and argumentative relationship, which can be detrimental to their emotional well-being.

On the other hand, you've also highlighted the potential benefits of leaving the marriage. Your children could have a happy and fulfilled father, which could positively impact their lives. Your new partner's presence could also bring new experiences and support to your son, who has significant autism. It's possible that this new dynamic could be beneficial for his development and well-being.

It's crucial to consider the timing of your decision. With the school holidays, you have a unique opportunity to transition your children to a new arrangement with minimal disruption to their routine. This could be an ideal time to start the process of separation and establish a new normal for your children.

Now, I want to address the guilt element. It's natural to feel guilty about leaving your children, especially when your wife is emphasizing the potential damage. However, it's essential to recognize that you're not abandoning your children; you're making a decision to prioritize your own happiness and, potentially, create a more positive environment for them.

I want to share a crucial insight: children are resilient, and they can adapt to new situations. While there may be an initial adjustment period, many children thrive in new environments and arrangements. It's not about minimizing the potential challenges, but about recognizing that your children can grow and flourish in a new context.

To alleviate some of your guilt, I recommend that you focus on the following:

1. Communicate with your children: When you do decide to leave, have an open and honest conversation with your children about what's happening. Explain that you love them and that this decision is not about them, but about your own happiness.

2. Establish a co-parenting plan: Work with your wife to create a co-parenting plan that prioritizes your children's needs and ensures a smooth transition.

3. Maintain a consistent routine: Stick to a consistent routine and schedule for your children, including regular contact and activities.

Remember, you're not alone in this journey. Many parents have navigated similar challenges and have come out the other side with happy, healthy, and well-adjusted children.

In conclusion, I want to emphasize that there's no easy answer to your situation. However, by considering the potential benefits of leaving the marriage, prioritizing your own happiness, and focusing on creating a positive environment for your children, you can make an informed decision that aligns with your values and goals.

Take a deep breath, and remember that you're doing the best you can as a parent. Trust that your children will adapt and thrive in a new environment, and that you'll emerge from this challenging time as a happier, more fulfilled person.