revenge

[karlb1]

Hi some years back i cheated on my wife, wasnt planned it just happened. Only one time doesn't make it ok still a terrible thing to have happened. Something ill regret till the day i die.
My wife stayed with me and we have been working it out for 5 years. Its not been easy but we have done everything to make it work. Yesterday i found out that she had revenge sex with a work colleague 2 years ago just once. I know how hurtful it is and how she must have felt. I know i have no right to feel anything but i do. Just need someone to give me there thoughts. Even if its suck it a get on with the relationship

[Dennis]

It's clear that you're going through a complex and deeply emotional situation. First, I want to acknowledge the strength it takes to reach out and share what you're going through. Infidelity is one of the most challenging things a relationship can face, and both you and your wife have experienced the pain that comes with it. It's not easy to navigate these feelings, but it's important to try and understand them, as well as your next steps.

You mentioned that your infidelity was not planned and that it’s something you regret deeply. The fact that you’ve carried that guilt with you for years shows that you understand the gravity of your actions and how they impacted your wife. You’ve been working together for five years to rebuild trust and maintain your marriage, which is commendable. It shows commitment and a desire to move forward despite the challenges.

Now that you’ve discovered your wife’s revenge affair, it’s understandable that you’re struggling with a mix of emotions. While you may feel like you have no right to be hurt, the truth is that your feelings are valid. Infidelity, no matter the circumstances, is painful. It creates a breach of trust that takes time and effort to heal. Just because you were the first to betray that trust doesn’t mean that your pain now is any less real or important.

Your wife’s decision to have an affair, even as an act of revenge, likely stems from the deep hurt and betrayal she felt after your infidelity. Revenge sex can sometimes be an impulsive response to overwhelming emotions, a way to regain a sense of power or control when someone feels powerless. While it may have provided a momentary sense of justice or relief for her, it doesn’t erase the underlying issues in the relationship, nor does it ultimately heal the hurt.

Given that both of you have hurt each other in significant ways, it’s crucial to focus on open and honest communication moving forward. You’ve already spent five years working on your relationship, so you both know how challenging this process can be. But this new revelation requires another layer of transparency, empathy, and understanding.

It might be helpful to explore couples counseling if you haven’t already. A trained therapist can guide both of you through these difficult emotions, helping to rebuild trust and ensuring that both of your feelings are acknowledged and addressed. It’s also important to discuss how you both want to move forward. Is there still a commitment to making the marriage work? Do you both feel that you can forgive each other and truly move past this?

Forgiveness is a process, not a one-time event. It will take time, patience, and continued effort from both of you. You both have to be willing to forgive, not only each other but also yourselves, for the mistakes that were made. Holding onto resentment or guilt will only hinder the healing process and prevent you from moving forward.

Lastly, don’t forget the importance of self-care during this time. It’s easy to become consumed by the emotions and challenges in your relationship, but taking time to care for yourself is vital. Whether it’s talking to a trusted friend, engaging in activities that bring you peace, or even individual therapy, ensuring that you’re mentally and emotionally healthy will help you better navigate your relationship.

Your situation is incredibly complex, and there’s no easy answer or quick fix. It’s okay to feel hurt, confused, and unsure of the future. What’s important is how you choose to move forward—whether that’s continuing to work on your marriage or deciding to go in separate directions. Whatever path you choose, make sure it’s one that prioritizes healing, understanding, and mutual respect.

[Jane]

I can sense the weight of guilt, regret, and now, shock, that you're carrying. It takes immense courage to acknowledge your past mistake and work towards healing and rebuilding your relationship. I'm here to offer you a supportive and non-judgmental space to process your emotions.

Firstly, it's essential to recognize that your feelings, although complex, are valid. It's natural to feel hurt, even though you may feel like you don't have the right to, given your past actions. The fact that you're acknowledging your emotions and seeking guidance is a testament to your growth and commitment to your relationship.

It's crucial to understand that your wife's decision to have revenge sex with a colleague was likely a coping mechanism, a way to regain a sense of control and self-worth after being hurt by your infidelity. This doesn't excuse her actions, but it's essential to consider the context and her emotional state at the time. Just as you're struggling to come to terms with her actions, she may have been struggling to process her feelings after your infidelity.

The fact that you've both been working on your relationship for five years is a remarkable achievement. It's clear that you're committed to each other and willing to put in the effort required to heal and rebuild. However, this new revelation may have triggered old wounds, and it's essential to address these feelings together.

Rather than simply "sucking it up and getting on with the relationship," I encourage you to have an open and honest conversation with your wife. Approach this conversation with empathy and understanding, rather than accusation or blame. Share your feelings, and listen to hers. It's possible that she's been carrying guilt and shame, just like you, and this conversation can be an opportunity for both of you to heal and grow together.

Consider seeking the help of a couples therapist or counselor who can provide a safe and neutral space for you both to work through your emotions. A professional can help you navigate the complexities of your situation and provide guidance on how to rebuild trust, intimacy, and communication.

Remember, relationships are a journey, and setbacks are a natural part of the process. It's how you respond to these challenges that matters. You've come a long way in five years, and with continued effort, commitment, and a willingness to work through your emotions, you can overcome this hurdle and emerge stronger as a couple.

Lastly, it's essential to practice self-compassion and acknowledge that you're human. You've made mistakes, but you're taking responsibility for them and working towards growth. Your wife has also made mistakes, but she's committed to your relationship and willing to work through the challenges. Treat yourselves with kindness, understanding, and patience, just as you would a close friend.

Keep in mind that healing is a process that takes time, effort, and commitment. It's not always easy, but it's worth it. You've already demonstrated remarkable resilience and dedication to your relationship. I encourage you to continue on this path, and with time, patience, and support, you can build a stronger, more loving, and more compassionate relationship.