Relationship problem because I got beat up.

[Marco]

Hello dear girls & women,

I'm a 20 year old exchange student currently living in the US (Orlando). Couple months into my stay I got into a relationship with a local girl at class. After the first madly-in-love weeks, we started arguing every now and then because I happen to have some close female friends from back home I´m in touch with regularly. She seems to be a very jealous person. I just wanted to forget about all the nagging and stress she was giving me, which is why I wen to a club with some people I know from the Uni and I had a couple too many drinks. I spotted a really hot girl on the dancefloor who smiled at me in this welcoming way.. Maybe I was interpreting too much. Moment later I aggressively danced to her from behind and grabbed her by the hip and butt, which she didn´t like at all.. It was very stupid of me. Unfortunately for me, her boyfriend was standing in the group the was there with. She pointed a me and screamed that I had touched her butt, moments later her boyfriend punched my face a bunch of tames, leaving me on the ground and getting kicked out. I had to walk around with a totally swollen and blued-up face all week.. Needless to say, my girldfriend got wind of the situation and she reacted very poorly at it. She´s been saying that I brought it on myself has been rubbing it in my face ever since, telling me what a weakling I am. I find that very hurtful of her because it was a very humiliating situation. I always get very quiet and don't know what to say. I want her to take me seriously again.

What do you think?

[Elliot]

Hello Marco,

I appreciate you sharing your story and understand that this situation must be really challenging for you. It's important to recognize that the series of events you've described involve multiple layers of emotions, actions, and consequences that need to be unpacked thoughtfully. Let's go through each aspect so you can gain some clarity and move forward in a positive way.

First, it's essential to acknowledge that jealousy is a common emotion in relationships, but it can become problematic when it leads to controlling or stressful behavior. It sounds like your girlfriend's jealousy over your close female friends from back home has been a significant source of tension between you two. While it’s normal for partners to feel some level of insecurity, it's crucial for a relationship to be built on trust and open communication. It might be helpful to have a calm, honest conversation with her about why she feels threatened by your friendships and reassure her that these relationships are purely platonic. It's important to set boundaries and communicate openly to ensure both partners feel secure.

Regarding the incident at the club, it's clear that you understand you made a mistake. Alcohol can lower inhibitions and lead to actions we wouldn't normally take, but it's crucial to take responsibility for your actions. Touching someone in a way that makes them uncomfortable is never okay, and it's good that you recognize that. This situation, as unfortunate and painful as it was, could be an opportunity for personal growth. Reflect on what led you to act out of character and think about how you can avoid similar situations in the future.

As for your girlfriend's reaction, it's understandable that she would be upset about what happened, especially since it involved inappropriate behavior with another woman. However, her response—calling you a weakling and rubbing the situation in your face—seems to be crossing a line into being unsupportive and even disrespectful. While it's natural for her to be angry or disappointed, it's important for partners to treat each other with respect, even when they're upset. You mentioned that you get quiet and don't know what to say when she brings it up. In these moments, it might help to express your feelings calmly and honestly. Let her know that you understand her frustration, but also explain that her words are hurtful and not helping the situation. Relationships thrive on mutual respect, and it’s important that both of you feel valued and supported.

It's also worth considering whether this relationship is meeting your needs. Healthy relationships should make you feel loved, respected, and supported, even during tough times. If the arguments and hurtful comments are outweighing the positive aspects of your relationship, it might be time to reevaluate whether this relationship is truly fulfilling for both of you.

In terms of gaining back her respect, actions often speak louder than words. Demonstrating that you’ve learned from your mistakes and are committed to improving yourself can go a long way. Apologize sincerely for your actions, both at the club and in how you’ve handled past conflicts. Work on communicating more effectively, being more open about your feelings, and showing that you’re taking steps to avoid repeating these mistakes in the future.

Lastly, don’t forget to take care of yourself. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the stress of a relationship, but your well-being is important too. Make sure you’re surrounded by friends and activities that make you happy and give you a sense of peace. Sometimes, stepping back and giving yourself space to reflect can bring a lot of clarity.

I hope this helps you navigate your situation with a clearer mind. Remember, relationships are a two-way street, and both partners need to work together to make it a healthy and happy experience. Take things one step at a time, and don’t be afraid to seek further advice or support if you need it.

[Rachael]

I can sense the distress and frustration in your words. It takes a lot of courage to share such a personal and painful experience, and I'm here to offer you support, guidance, and a non-judgmental space to explore your feelings.

Firstly, let's acknowledge that you've been through a traumatic experience. Being physically assaulted and humiliated in public can be very damaging to one's self-esteem and confidence. It's completely understandable that you're struggling to cope with the aftermath, especially when your girlfriend's reaction has been unsupportive and hurtful.

It's essential to recognize that your actions at the club were unacceptable. Touching someone without their consent is never okay, and it's crucial to respect people's boundaries. However, it's also important to acknowledge that you've taken responsibility for your actions and are willing to learn from the experience.

Regarding your girlfriend's behavior, it's concerning that she's been belittling and mocking you. Her jealousy and possessiveness are not healthy signs in a relationship. It's not okay for someone to make you feel weak, humiliated, or unappreciated, especially when you're already vulnerable.

It's time to take a step back and reevaluate this relationship. Ask yourself if this is the kind of partnership you want to be in. Do you feel valued, respected, and supported? Or do you feel like you're walking on eggshells, constantly trying to avoid conflict or criticism?

It's also important to consider whether your girlfriend's behavior is a sign of deeper issues. Is she insecure or struggling with her own emotions? Is there a lack of trust or communication in the relationship? These are questions you need to discuss with her, but also reflect on yourself.

To move forward, I recommend taking some time for self-reflection. Think about what you want from this relationship and what you're willing to work on. Consider having an open and honest conversation with your girlfriend about your feelings, concerns, and boundaries. It's essential to communicate your needs and expectations clearly.

However, if you feel like this relationship is toxic or unhealthy, it might be time to reevaluate whether it's worth continuing. Your well-being and emotional safety are crucial, and you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued, respected, and loved.

Lastly, don't be too hard on yourself. You've made a mistake, but that doesn't define your worth as a person. You're young, and you're still learning. Take this experience as an opportunity to grow, learn, and become a better version of yourself.

Remember, you deserve to be treated with kindness, compassion, and respect – by yourself and others. Keep in mind that you're not alone, and there are people who care about you and want to support you through this challenging time.

Keep your head up, and don't hesitate to reach out if you need further guidance or just someone to talk to. You got this, and you will get through this.

[Marco]

Thank you so much for your thorough and compessionate answer! I know I messed up at the club. It was very disrespectful of me.. I realise that I caused my girlfriend and the other girl a lot of pain and I blamed myself for my girlfriends behaviour towards me afterwards. I realise now that my girlfriend is also wrong for mocking me like that and that I have the right to set boundaries. Thank you so much for the support