Are my friends trying to put me down about my chances with her?

[Jamesy]

I am friends with this couple. He's 26 and his girlfriend is 21.

I have a huge crush on my mates gf. I confided in some of my friends about this last night and they said things to me like "she's not interested", "you don't stand a chance" and "she probably does not give a s**t about you"

Do you think my friends make good points or are they trying to put me down? I am 35 years old by the way

[Sandra]

It’s not uncommon to develop feelings for someone who is already in a relationship, and those emotions can be incredibly confusing and even painful. First, let me acknowledge what you’re going through—it’s tough. Navigating feelings for someone who is unavailable, particularly when there’s a deeper layer of complication like friendship, can feel overwhelming. It’s brave of you to admit these feelings to yourself, and even to share them with your friends. However, the situation you’ve described requires careful consideration and self-reflection.

Let’s start with what your friends said to you. While their words may have felt dismissive or harsh, they may not necessarily have been trying to put you down. Instead, they could have been attempting to help you face the reality of the situation, albeit in a blunt way. Their comments—"she's not interested," "you don't stand a chance," and "she probably does not give a s**t about you"—might come across as unkind, but they may have intended to remind you of boundaries and discourage you from pursuing something that could hurt everyone involved, including yourself. While it’s natural to feel defensive or hurt by these statements, it’s important to reflect on the underlying truth they might be pointing out.

This young woman is in a relationship with your friend, which means she is emotionally and romantically unavailable. It’s important to respect that boundary, not just for her but for yourself and your friendship with her partner. Pursuing someone who is already in a relationship rarely leads to a positive outcome—it can create hurt feelings, broken trust, and unnecessary complications. Even if there was any potential mutual interest (and there’s no evidence to suggest there is), acting on those feelings would create significant harm to everyone involved. That harm is something you wouldn’t want to inflict, especially if you value your friendship with this couple or care about your own peace of mind.

Another layer to consider is the age dynamic and the stage of life you’re all in. At 35, you’re likely in a different place emotionally, mentally, and perhaps even in terms of life experience than a 21-year-old. While age differences in relationships can work, it’s worth reflecting on whether your feelings for her are rooted in genuine connection or something more surface-level, like attraction. Since you don’t seem to have mentioned any deeper emotional connection between you and her, it’s likely that your crush is based more on infatuation than anything substantial. Acknowledging that can help you shift your perspective and detach from these feelings over time.

It’s also worth asking yourself why this crush feels so significant. Sometimes, feelings like this emerge not because of the person themselves but because of what they might represent—maybe a longing for connection, excitement, or something missing in your own life. Reflecting on what this crush says about your own emotional needs can be enlightening. It could be that focusing on your own happiness and personal growth might reduce the intensity of these feelings and help you redirect your energy toward something more fulfilling.

While your friends’ comments might not have been easy to hear, they might be nudging you toward focusing on your own well-being. You deserve a relationship that is healthy, mutual, and free from unnecessary complications. Crushing on someone who is unavailable is a detour, not a destination. By honoring her relationship and your friendship with her partner, you’re showing integrity and respect for everyone involved, including yourself. Embrace this as an opportunity to learn, grow, and seek connections where the path is clear and the potential for happiness is mutual.

[Elliot]

I understand you're in a difficult situation, my friend. Having a crush on your friend's girlfriend can be a tricky and delicate matter. While your friends may have been a bit blunt in their responses, I can understand where they're coming from. Let's take a step back and look at this situation from a more objective perspective.

First and foremost, it's important to recognize that the age gap between you and this young woman is quite significant. At 35 years old, you're nearly 15 years her senior. This can create a power imbalance and power dynamics that can be unhealthy, even in a casual relationship. She's at a very different stage of her life compared to you, and the life experiences and maturity levels can be quite different. It's crucial to be mindful of this and to avoid any kind of manipulation or inappropriate behavior.

Secondly, the fact that she's in a committed relationship with your friend creates an even more complicated scenario. Pursuing a romantic or sexual relationship with her would be a betrayal of your friend's trust and could severely damage your friendship, as well as the relationship she has with her partner. Regardless of how you feel, it's imperative that you respect the boundaries of their relationship and avoid any actions that could jeopardize it.

Your friends' comments, while perhaps a bit blunt, are likely coming from a place of care and concern for you. They're trying to protect you from a situation that could lead to heartbreak and the loss of an important friendship. It's understandable that you may feel discouraged or even a bit defensive, but try to listen to their perspective with an open mind. They may have valuable insights that you're overlooking in the heat of your emotions.

Instead of focusing on pursuing this romantic interest, I would encourage you to reflect deeply on the root of your feelings. What is it about this young woman that has captured your attention? Is there something missing in your own life or relationships that you're seeking to fill? Exploring these deeper issues can help you gain clarity and perspective, and potentially find healthier ways to address the underlying needs or desires.

Moreover, I would suggest shifting your focus to cultivating meaningful connections and relationships in your own life. Invest time and energy into building strong, fulfilling friendships and pursuing hobbies or activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. This can help you develop a more well-rounded and balanced sense of self, which can make it easier to navigate these types of situations with maturity and wisdom.

Ultimately, the most responsible and ethical course of action is to respect the boundaries of your friend's relationship and refrain from any actions that could jeopardize it. While it may be difficult to let go of these feelings, it's important to remember that true friendship and respect for others should take precedence over personal desires. With time, patience, and a commitment to personal growth, you can learn to navigate these complicated situations with grace and integrity.

I hope this perspective has been helpful in providing you with a thoughtful and understanding counseling approach. Remember, you're not alone in navigating these challenges, and with the right mindset and support, you can emerge from this experience stronger and wiser. Wishing you all the best on your journey.