What To Do If Your Jealous Girlfriend Piles On The Pressure

[Michael]

I'm writing because I am concerned about taking a relationship to a serious level. Kathy is 30, a successful lawyer, and comfortably living in Chicago.

I am 26, just finished graduate school, and looking for a job and opportunities to travel. Her and I have been dating for three months. Neither one of us have been in real serious relationships before, only short term relationships.

Kathy fits my profile of what I've been looking for in a woman. She is intelligent, energetic, beautiful, sexual, and assertive.

I feel completely comfortable around her.

Things have been going so well, but the relationship has moved incredibly quickly. She has her own condo. I'll spend several days a week there.

We love each other's friends. She has met my family on multiple occasions, I just got home today from Michigan where I met her extended family. It's only been three months.

On the ride home, we explored issues like marriage and family. And I'm worried about how to meet these life issues.


1) Marriage - Kathy has made it clear that I'm the only one she wants to be with. She has declared she will never date men again if I cheated or left her.

2) Timeline - I think people should date at least a year before marrying. She says that's just an arbitrary number. I'm incredibly happy with Kathy, but am not sure I am ready to get married at 26 or even when I'm 27. I think there is long-term potential but also feel a lot of pressure from her to move in this direction. She's made it clear not to waste her time if I wasn't ready for a serious relationship.

3) Children - I'm open to having children, but am hoping to wait until my mid-thirties, when I have a career and am more settled. She is looking to have children in the next 3-4 years.

4) Female Friends - I meet a lot of friends (volunteering, trivia nights) and have a "big-tent" mentality of having a lot of friends in my life. Kathy gets jealous if I go out and there are women there that she doesn't know about at the party.


She always seems suspicious of how I talk about my friends who are women. Her feeling is that as our relationship strengthens, we don't need extra people in our lives. She says that's what single people do.

Maybe she's right and I'm just inexperienced, but I wanted your opinion. I really enjoy having friends who are women in my life, and want to meet more, even if I'm in a committed relationship.

Kathy gives me comfort and a friend that I didn't know I could have. I'm a much happier person, and a better man because of her.

I feel like I'm at a huge crossroads. On one hand I have the opportunity to spend my life with an amazing woman who gets me.

On the other hand things might be better if I casually date and retain my independence until I'm ready for a more serious relationship with marriage and kids.

Maybe I will be ready by the time these "events" happen. If our ages were reversed, none of this would be a problem--we could date longer, we could put the child-rearing question off for a while.

Maybe it's too early to be concerned with these things. What's your advice?

[Dennis]

Hello Michael:

You see, my gut feeling is that for your part you're probably publicly showcasing your female friends a bit much.

Were you to back off from that to a degree more in line with someone in an exclusive relationship, that might help matters.

I'd delete the pics of you physically hugging and kissing other women.

Definitely also edit yourself from posting comments to other women about how much you enjoy seeing them and spending time with them.

In short, don't give your girlfriend any valid reason to feel disrespected.

BUT...the biggest issues here really do appear to be hers.

Realistically speaking, although she indeed has a point about your female friends, she asserts it with more than a hint of overzealous desperation.

For example, I'd never go so far as to say "we don't need extra people in our lives". That's taking it too far.

And as you might guess, I really can't advise you much on her behalf.

Nevertheless, the trouble is that she's chasing you away.

She's clearly behaving as if she wants/needs this relationship more than you do, and that means you're going to lose interest in her fast ...and possibly even all attraction you've ever felt toward her.

Now granted, that might ultimately be like dodging a bullet, but let's talk about what's going on here and now.

It's suspect enough that she would be pressuring you into marriage after all of three months.

And as we've already established, yes...she's going somewhat overboard in her reactions to your female friends.

In reality, though, the truly GIANT red flags here are twofold:


1) She's manipulating your good intentions for her by loading you up with nonsense about how she "will never date men again if [you] cheated or left her".

In other words, if you don't give her what she wants, the guaranteed doom that would consume her life as a result would all be your fault.

That's one to put to the TGR-R test, for sure.

It doesn't look like she cares all that much about what you want, and that's a recipe for disaster.


2) Nobody who has experienced only short-term relationships (and none of them "serious") is in any position to argue against taking your sweet time deciding whether a long-term, committed relationship is in order between the two of you.

And that goes DOUBLE for someone 30 years old.

Again, she's rushing you into something that you haven't necessarily expressed interest in. That only points to selfishness and impatience on her part...let alone inexperience and immaturity.


Note that I haven't harped much on the four-year age difference. I really don't believe it's as big a factor in the grand scheme as you think it is, at least objectively speaking.

Sure, if the age difference were reversed you might be more ready for marriage and she might pressure you less to do so...but who really knows?

Besides, what matters is reality rather than conjecture...and you two are worlds apart in terms of what you feel you're looking for in a relationship right now.

It sounds to me like you've got some "bucket list" items you're itching to cross off that decidedly don't involve a "significant other" and/or family responsibilities.

Further, I'm not sure your idea of what an exclusive relationship should look like really meshes with hers.

I've long been on record as saying that it's only time to consider marriage when three distinct checkboxes are ticked:


1) You're sick of dating, "playing the field", or whatever you want to call it.

2) You've met a woman who scores a "100" on The Depth Chart of what you want in a woman (top 10 items at 10/10 points each) AND... (wait for it...)

3) ...you feel "ready" to build a shared lifestyle and history with someone else, under the same roof and with a common understanding of what the boundaries are.


When it's only #1, you take a break without pressuring yourself in any way. It's as simple as that.

If #2 hasn't occurred yet, whoever you'd consider "settling down" with you'd surely also be settling for.

But assuming you have the first two covered, then it's time to ask yourself if you're willing to consider a woman's needs along with your own in order to gain all the benefits of long-term companionship.

A "yes" or "no" answer is okay...as long as it's the truth.

Should that answer be "yes", then--and only then--are you ready to think about an exclusive relationship that possibly leads to marriage.

And yes...I really do think that the more time you spend together testing and approving your compatibility before walking down the aisle together, the better.

You've got to deserve what you want, and that goes for both of you.

[Michael]

Thank you Dennis for your advice.