I don't know if I have feelings for her

[Zombiecrossing]

I am unsure if I have feelings for my ex gf because of my depression. I am really bad at this stuff and I dont know what to do. I broke up with her in July because I was depressed and unhappy. Shes a great person and she was perfect for me. She didnt do anything wrong. I could have handled the breakup better though. I blindsided her. I had been thinking about it but I didnt feel emotionally safe to tell her that. I dont feel emotionally safe with anyone I am close with. I kept it from her and hid the problem with false behaviors. I kissed her to make her happy and stuff. She told me she could tell that something was wrong before I broke up with her and she forgives me for handling it so poorly.

I knew that I had to breakup and knowing that I caused her pain really crushed me for a while. I felt like such a piece of shit. And Ive dealt with that. I think unfortunately sometimes that is something that comes along with making adult decisions and its unavoidable but good God I hate it. I just got really overwhelmed, all of the emotions were a lot to handle. And I think that goes for hers and especially mine. I felt so trapped and I still do sometimes. The responsibilities of romance, love and relationships changes a person. I just couldnt handle it. I just knew in my heart that it wasnt the best thing for either of us and I still feel that way at least for me. I was definitely at a very low point in struggling with my depression and general feelings of hopelessness in life. Im getting much better with that lately but I still have moments and sometimes what feels like days where I regress a little bit. I told her all of this and it was uncomfortable and hard for me. I wanted to disappear from the conversation but she wanted answers and deserves to know. Shes one of the few people that I show myself to. Ive told her things Ive never told anyone.

I still wanted to be her friend because I dont want to lose her. We didnt talk until November because being my friend was too painful for her. She can handle friendship now, but she still has feelings for me. She wants to know how I feel about her and told me she is okay with waiting for a definitive answer. She doesnt want a relationship right now and neither do I...but she probably will in the future. And I just dont know if I have feelings for her. My feelings are often pretty confusing. I am still emotionally connected to her...but I dont know if Im attracted to her. I dont wanna ruin our friendship. I wanna be friends and support eachother. She told me that if I do end up having feelings for her that nothing needs to come from it. I know she cares about me a lot and doesnt want me to feel pressured.

We have hung out a bit since November. I have trouble asking her to hang out so she is the one that makes plans. She is totally okay with doing that. I always text her when I can. I try to see her on my days off. And she understands when I want to take the day for myself to recharge my batteries. I work 60 hours a week and still live with my parents...my grandma has cancer etc reasons why I feel like shit.

Shes helped me with my depression and starting to make music again. I appreciate her caring about my mental health and being a source of good emotions to me. Ive brought her to my house twice and Ive had a really good time. I always have a good time with her. I feel good when Im around her and I like connecting. I like everything she shows me. I like her. I like being around her. I am drawn to her because we like a lot of the same stuff and can have really nice conversations. I like the way I can talk to her. I like when she watches me play guitar. I like how comfortable I am with being myself with her. I like being a total weirdo with her. I am a bit nervous around her though. Sometimes I can feel myself blushing. Sometimes I catch myself staring dreamily at her and I look away so she doesnt see. When we look at eachother its like theres a soul deep connection.

I just dont know I dont know. I dont want to hurt her or lose her. We don't want to lose eachother and we both have trouble letting go.

[shrah25]

HI Zombiecrossing

Thanks for your detailed message and being so open.

Firstly, I honour you for your ability to care and be so empathetic towards your ex-girlfriend. I've worked with a lot of men who, in the same position, would be only focussed on themselves and hence it tells me that you're a very caring person.

Now, one thing I need to point out here is that, if you want a relationship to work, there needs to be the intent of truly giving and serving to your partner.
At this point, it seems like you have a number of things that you need to work on to get to a place where you are somewhat ready for this relationship.

If you jumped into the relationship and you were struggling with the mental health issues on a regular basis, then it's likely that she would need to 'carry' you through the relationship and in the long run, this would be destructive. I see this far too often and I personally wouldn't want to see you and your ex-girlfriend be put in that position.

The next step would then be to address some of the internal mindset issues that you are facing. This is really important for you to do so that you can be the sort of partner that, not only you want to me, but also a future partner would want you to be. This is absolutely possible for you - it's just about getting access to the right tools and resources to help.

For now, I would focus on maintaining a platonic relationship if it's not too difficult for you and then doing the necessary personal development work on yourself.
I hope all of this makes sense. If you have any questions, please let me know.

Thanks
Sri

[Gray]

Here's How to Know If You Still Have Strong Feelings For Your Ex:

Do you still think about your ex even when it's over? Are you having a hard time trying to get her off your mind? You see we might feel that it's over but we aren't quite yet done with it. This is the major reason why you must be clear on whether you still have feelings for your ex or not. Read on to discover how to know if you still have feelings for your ex and achieve mind blowing results........

Do you feel very depressed because of their absence- Does this happen to you a lot? Do you end up getting highly depressed when you think about your ex and the relationship? Does it make you feel sad every time you think about the breakup and the very fact that you might not see your ex ever again? You see if this is what you are going through then you definitely have feelings towards your ex.

You try to contact them constantly- Do you try to email your ex constantly? And at the same time keep checking your inbox almost every second just to know if there is a message there or not? You see again if this is your case then you still like your ex and you probably want to get back together.

You can't focus on anything else? - Are you having a hard time getting on with your life and focusing on daily things? You see your emotions would still be highly attached to your ex when you still have feeling for her. You will struggle to do even the basic of things without having your mind think about your ex again and again.