My Boyfriend and I Have Been Fighting A Lot

[Jane]

So here's a tricky one... I'm a widow with 2 children, my boyfriend is divorced with 2 children, and we have one of our own who is 4 months old.

We moved in together after 6 months, my children with us 100% of the time, his 50% of the time. We have been through a lot.

Since his divorce went through two months ago, the wheels have completely come off. We have not been able to get through a day without fighting. Mostly because I feel unheard, unsupported and that my baby and I are never prioritized as his guilt over his divorce means he constantly prioritizes his children from his marriage.

So he has now moved out. He does not want to break up, but wants to take a step back to move forward.

I'm heartbroken and very angry, I feel we've been abandoned. Things have only got nastier. My question is: how on earth do we find our way back to each other under these circumstances, is it even possible?

[Becky]

Six months in, you became a blended family during the time he was still finalizing his divorce. That's a lot! Lots going on, and lots of pressure.

And now you have a new baby, plus you're learning how to be a stepmom and raising your other two children as well.

Quote: "Since his divorce went through two months ago, the wheels have completely come off. We have not been able to get through a day without fighting. Mostly because I feel unheard, unsupported and that my baby and I are never prioritized as his guilt over his divorce means he constantly prioritizes his children from his marriage."

It sounds like the fighting is because you feel that he is not putting your and your baby first enough, because he prioritizes his other children.

It's understandable that you aren't feeling like a priority to him, and that this is hurtful, and so is the fact that he left. That's huge. But from what you say, you are just as important to him as ever. And the potential is there for him to return. But things have to be different in order for this to happen. He is navigating a lot right now. And his two older children are going through their parents splitting up and their father living with other children. So when there was conflict with you, the pressure became too much and he is probably reassessing where to go from here.

I truly feel that if you trust him and see it from the perspective that you are immensely important to him - then you will get through this time of adjustment.

Maybe you had hopes that once the divorce was final, things would settle down a lot more quickly than they have. It's a tough time. Believe in him. You've made it this far together. He's made some big decisions in a short time - hang in there. And in my opinion, don't say anything negative about any time he spends with his children or tell him that you feel he puts them before you. That puts him in the middle, knowing he's not making you happy. Many men feeling that way would think they'd made a mistake.

On the other hand, he can be your hero, the man you fell in love with - if that is his core character then believe in him. You can be his refuge from the stress, instead of being one more stressor via the arguing.

Instead of telling him what he is not doing, how about telling him something you'd like. A way he can please you - that does not involve limiting his relationship with his older children. Something that's doable that will also be fun for him. (I'm talking about after he returns.)

He's going to feel that guilt about his children. Don't try to fix it, but let him know what a good father he is. In order for him to return, he must feel confident that you understand the position he is in, and that you two can live together happily. You went into a very tough situation, hopefully with your eyes open - you knew it wasn't going to be easy - but it sounds like you two have a bond.

This is just one way of looking at the situation and I'm sure it's more complex than you've been able to share - but just keep in mind the reasons you love him. And hang in there during this adjustment period. It's going to take a couple of years really for things to feel "normal" to all concerned. Please send me an update in a few months if you'd like!

[Nate]

"My boyfriend is ignoring me after a fight!" You're so frustrated, aren't you? You love your guy and since the two of you had a big argument he's been ignoring you. You've tried everything to get him to pay attention to you again but to no avail. He doesn't respond to any of your calls, your text messages go unanswered and you're not even sure he's opening the emails you send. Now you're starting to worry that he's had his fill of you and the relationship is actually over for good. Don't panic too much just yet. You can remedy this situation and the approach you want to be taking may not be what you think it is.

If your boyfriend has been ignoring you, you have to consider how much time has passed since the fight. If it was just in the past few days, take a deep breath and calm down. Men and women handle emotionally charged situations very differently. You want to talk because your goal is to smooth everything over before it's too late. He needs a little time to process what's happened so he can talk to you again in a very calm and collected way.

Men will often detach themselves emotionally from their girlfriend after a fight. This is temporary but when you're the woman feeling ignored, it feels endless. Your guy was likely just as hurt as you were during the argument. He may not want to talk to you right now because he needs time to really cool down so he doesn't do or say anything that will result in more friction between you two.

The best advice you can follow if you had a fight with your guy and he's now dropped out of sight is to give him some time. Try your best to focus on something other than him for the next few days. You'll fare better with him if you stop trying to force him into talking. That means don't chase after him by calling him repeatedly or sending him hundreds of text messages. Let your silence speak for you. He'll see that you're respecting his need for some time and he'll be grateful for that.

If you still haven't heard from him in a week or so, call him then and if it goes to voice mail just leave a very simple message asking him to call you. If you sound calm and in control during that call, he'll see that you're also in a better place emotionally and he'll call you back ready to talk.

[Richard]

How to make up with your boyfriend after a fight is a problem women have faced for centuries. If you come back to him too fast or too strong, he'll see it as being clingy and run the other way, but if you don't talk to him at all, you'll come off as not interested, and he'll just move on. So what should you do?

Fighting is a complicated thing between men and women, because it means different things to each gender. If you really want to make up with him, you'll need to understand a few things about the way guys work through problems, especially relationship problems.

Guys have a stigma in their minds that they're not allowed to appear vulnerable or weak to you, so make sure you avoid confronting him. Never ask "Are you still mad at me?" or "Am I still in trouble?". Even if you ask it nicely, part of him hears a challenge to continue the argument you were having, so don't say it. Keep the first conversation after a fight light. Talk about your day or tell him a funny story. If you can get him laughing it will make life a lot easier for both of you. If not, that's okay too. You've still got a shot.

The first conversation should take place in either neutral territory or on his turf. Remember, you need him to feel safe and secure as he talks to you, like he has the power. Whether he really does or not, you need to let him think he does. It will make him feel more at ease. The internet is good for these talks too, because his computer is one of his safest places.

Don't touch him at the beginning of the conversation. Remember, there's still a part of him that's fighting with you, and he'll be very careful about any intimacy. After you've both had a good laugh, ease into light touches on the arm or shoulder, something safe that says "I'm being friendly, but not invading your space".

If he brings up the subject you were arguing over or the events that caused it, just let him talk. He's testing the waters to see where you stand on the subject. Even if you still hotly disagree with him or feel anxious about it, let it roll past you. Do NOT get upset. If he's worth making up with, it will be worth letting go of the issue.

If you have a nice conversation without bringing up the touchy subject, that's great. Let it go, don't bring it up until later. The subtext here is you saying "I care about you, I want to fix the relationship before we worry about the argument."

[Jane]

Thank you to everyone who has answered my question