how to ask for forgiveness

[krisna]

I've known a girl for half a year now, and i like her very much. but, I've done the mistake that is posting a picture of her and calling her 'darling' even though I haven't asked her to be my girlfriend yet. that was 2 weeks ago, and through my failed attempts to ask for forgiveness, I've only made things worse. Now, she blocks my Instagram and WhatsApp. what should i do? thanks in advance.

[Gloria]

Making mistakes is part of being human, but we often make things worse by not knowing how to apologize. Of course, we all know how to say "I'm sorry," but it takes a lot more than two simple words to get someone to forgive you.

This is especially true in romantic relationships. When relationship issues spin out of control, people say and do things that lead to heartache, regret, and painful break ups. If you're wondering how to apologize to your girlfriend or boyfriend, you already know it's not easy. Out of frustration, some people give up, get defensive, or resort to playing the blame game. But you want a solution that works.

These tips will show you how to give an apology that goes past the ears and into the heart.

How to Apologize and Get Someone to Forgive You

As kids, we learn the simplest form of an apology: "I'm sorry." This step still holds, but it is the beginning, rather than the whole, of an apology that will get someone to forgive you. Let's look at the structure of a real apology.

1. Say "I'm sorry." These simple words get the ball rolling, creating a space to foster forgiveness.

2. Know what you're sorry for. You know the surface reason you're apologizing, but have you considered the collateral damage? In order to get someone to forgive you, you must show them that you really "get it." For example, if you're asking, "How do I apologize to my girlfriend for cheating?" acknowledge all the problems created by that mistake. You might say, "I know that I lied to you, betrayed you, put you at risk of disease, and made it hard for you to ever trust me again." Listen patiently to any further explanations of the damage done, and make it clear that you understand.

3. Acknowledge the feelings. Even if you hate talking about emotions, it's important to acknowledge your partner's feelings. You can only do this by listening, without making excuses, and affirming it back to the other person. You might say, "I realize that I hurt you deeply" or "I know you feel angry and disappointed." As you acknowledge these feelings, you help your partner to process emotions that must be dealt with before forgiveness can begin.

4. Commit to change. Even people who don't know how to apologize will instinctively promise not to repeat the offense. But an apology should never include a promise you cannot keep. If you're not 100% sure you can change immediately, explain the difficulty and promise to try your best. Maybe you should even let the relationship go until you actually change. This step is critical. Getting someone to forgive you takes time, patience, and a willingness to keep your word. If you mess this part up, future apologies will have no impact at all.

5. Make it right. A big part of apologizing is letting the other person know how you plan to make things right. For example, if you spent money that belonged to your partner, explain how you will pay it back (with interest) and prove yourself more financially responsible. If you were unfaithful, explain how you will cut contact with the third party and help your partner to trust you again. You must follow through on every commitment, so get clear on what you will do before you offer to do it.

6. Ask for forgiveness. Once you know how to apologize, it's time to ask the big question: "Will you please forgive me?" Asking for forgiveness lets your partner know that you aren't making any assumptions. You have stated your case, and you accept that you are not in control of what comes next. This might seem difficult since you're at your partner's mercy, but that's often exactly what the other person needs. When you wrong someone, you take a little of their power, so now you humble yourself enough to give it back. What a wonderful way to get someone to forgive you.

7. Wait for your boyfriend or girlfriend to forgive you. Before you get carried away with expectations, remind yourself that forgiveness does not happen overnight. Even if you get a positive response when you ask, it doesn't flip a forgive-switch in the other person's mind. To get someone to forgive you, you must let them take the time they need to forgive and let go. Your job is to support their journey, realizing your role in both the pain and the healing.

[Roy]

A booming relationship is not one without disagreements, it is one that handles them maturely. The resolution style for every relationship differs. For some, you may never talk about it again. You just pick up another topic a few minutes later and it ends there. For some, you both need to sit and trash the issue thoroughly, to reach reasonable, considerate and balanced conclusions.

Resolution is one of the biggest pillars of a relationship, and one foolproof way to achieve a successful resolution is to apologize the right way. An old Yoruba saying translates: "apology has a gender", so the way you say or do it determines which applies. You would agree that even the tone of "sorry" and "I'm sorry" are different. In order to have an absolute resolution, both parties have parts to play, and in the end, it reveals the level of respect and commitment involved in the relationship.

When you offend the one you love,

be sorry indeed: Don't apologize because your partner asked for it. Be sorry because you truly are. And let that reflect in your words, actions, gesticulations, explanations etc. Anybody can hurt another; we are humans not ghosts. So when that happens, apologize genuinely and let peace find its way back to your relationship.

give explanations not excuses: don't be deceived by the fact that they both start with "ex". Many people mix these two up and they end up fuelling the conflict. Explanations will make your partner understand why you did what you did but excuses will make him/her feel you are trying to play smart. Sometimes it's a very thin line between these two but explanations prove you didn't mean to hurt your partner, and that's a step closer to a resolution while excuses give steps away from it.

choose your words: when you apologize, don't say "Sorry IF I have offended you!" IF? For heaven's sake, being ambiguous when you apologise can be annoying. What is IF I have offended you? Of course you have offended me, and that's why I am angry, so be humble enough to admit that you are wrong and be sorry. Before you apologize, know the specifics of what you have done wrong. If you do not know, how will you not do it again? Choosing the right words can really be magical. You should rather say something like "I am sorry, I didn't mean to and it won't happen again." And that is after you can spot on what you have done wrong.

be repentant: don't bother to apologize, if you will do offence again. You should rather let the other person understand why you can't but do it. Apology means "I did it because I didn't know it would hurt you but I won't do it again, because I don't ever want to hurt you." Work on yourself and help the relationship. Deliberately avoiding things that can hurt your partner is a sure prove that you genuinely love and want to be with him/her.

be considerate: when you hurt your partner, try to be empathetic; put yourself in their shoes. Your partner wants to know you feel the pain you made them go through and it's important you show them you understand. Instead of just saying sorry, you should say you understand that your actions have caused him/her so much pain and you are truly sorry. Your partner wants to know you understand the pain they went through because if you truly understand, you would be sincerely sorry and won't want them to go through that again.

be remorseful: you can't be punching your phone while apologizing, or be watching football. Keep eye contacts with your partner, hold his/her hand if you have to. Buy a gift the next day and tell him/her you are not trying to buy his/her forgiveness, you are just trying to show how truly sorry you are. Even a stone would melt at that. Always let your partner know you regret hurting him/her, and it wasn't intentional and you would do anything to make it up i.e. making sure it never happens again. Everyone wants to be reassured of a partner's love and commitment.

While genuine apology is required from the one that has erred, true forgiveness is also expected from the other - it is the combination of these two that meets the assurance needed to hold your relationship together. Apologizing the right way clears all doubts and brings true forgiveness.

[Elliot]

"It takes a great deal of character strength to apologize quickly out of one's heart rather than out of pity. A person must possess himself and have a deep sense of security in fundamental principles and values in order to genuinely apologize." ~ Stephen R. Covey

I coach leaders in all aspects of emotional intelligence, yet the single biggest challenge most leaders report is that they find it nearly impossible to apologize, say they were wrong, made a mistake, or acted inappropriately. Far too many leaders believe that "being right" is more important than good manners and interpersonal civility. Not surprisingly, these are the same leaders who also feel the most insecure, discourage honest dialogue, and often produce feelings of anger and resentment in those they lead. All of this could have been avoided if they could only learn how to offer a sincere apology.

All leaders make mistakes. All good leaders know how to take ownership of their mistakes. Great leaders know how to admit, take ownership, apologize, and make amends for their mistakes. Let's be clear about exactly what an apology is: an apology is a written or spoken expression of one's regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another person.

A Simple 4 Step Plan on How to Offer a Sincere Apology

Here is a simple step-by-step approach on how you can learn to apologize like a great leader. Just follow these four steps and you will see your stock go up in the eyes of your peers and followers.

Let's follow our leader, "Tom" as he apologizes to his direct report, "Paul" for losing his temper and acting inappropriately. Tom is a Business Unit Manager that saw one of his Assistant Managers make a mistake that was obvious and Tom got angry and lashed out verbally at Paul. Upon reflection, Tom recognizes that Paul does most things right and Paul has not said two words to him since the unfortunate incident. Tom wants to apologize to repair their usually pleasant relationship. Here are the steps Tom must follow to apologize to Paul

1. Describe the offending action or behavior that you displayed. Always remember to describe your behavior the way a camera could have seen it or a tape recorder could have heard it. Note: If you are apologizing for cursing or using profanity toward someone, never repeat the profanity in the apology. Instead, just say something like, " I used profanity toward you and I spoke in an offensive way."

"Paul, last Tuesday around 2pm, while you were working on the widget line, I saw you passing units that had the wrong valve assembly in the widget. I then called you "stupid" and said that "you don't have a brain in your head sometimes."

2. Express that you accept responsibility and recognize that your actions were wrong. The goal here is to take ownership for unprofessional behavior. You should never try to mitigate things by making excuses by saying you were "tired" or just in a "bad mood." Those mitigations are just excuses and, even if they were true, it does not excuse your conduct.

"Paul, I am your team leader and it is my responsibility to manage and treat you with dignity and respect. My actions last Tuesday were unprofessional, wrong, and unacceptable. I should never have called you names or insulted you."

3. Specify your feelings of regret, remorse, or sorrow. Say these things directly. Never say, mistakes were made. Instead, say, "I made mistakes." Never say, "I want to apologize" because that is not an apology. If you want to apologize, then do so.

"Paul, I have deep regret for my actions last Tuesday. I have thought about how I behaved toward you and how I would feel if my boss had talked to me that way. I feel very sorry and ashamed of my actions toward you."

4. Consequences: Explain how you have learned from your mistake and what will be different in the future. Also, be sure to offer to make whatever amends you can toward the person whom you offended.

"Paul, I want you to know that I am not going to speak to you unprofessionally again. It's my job to manage you and I plan on doing it with civility and good manners. I hope you can accept my apology. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do to help make amends for my past behavior."

I hope you will agree that our fictional leader, "Tom," has just done a great job apologizing to his direct report, Paul. In all likelihood, Paul will quickly forgive Tom. Tom has done a lot to regain the trust and respect of Paul that he had damaged by acting unprofessionally.

Great leaders are never afraid to apologize and you will be surprised at how much easier it is to get people on your side and to see you as an authentic leader, not a perfect leader, but one who is human and makes mistakes. Try apologizing the next time you screw up. I promise, it gets easier with practice and it pays great dividends in terms of keeping people connected to you and aligned with your goals.