How Do I Bring Up The Idea Of Marriage or Kids Without Freaking Him Out?

[Judith]

A little background first. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1 year and 9 months.

Anyway, in April of this year he brought up the subject of moving in together--in fact, he brought up the idea of us buying a house together.

For about 2 months that was what we were planning on doing until he told me (out of nowhere) that he didn't think we should move in together anymore.

He came up with lots of excuses, like he wasn't sure if he morally believes in it, his family wouldn't like it (they are very religious), he thought it would put too much negative stress on our relationship, and he didn't think it was the right time to do that.

What are your thoughts on this situation?

When he told me he had changed his mind I was devastated and I think I lost a lot of trust in him. Also, I think I am still angry and distrusting of him now as I find myself getting angry at him very easily now for things I never would have before.

I also find myself kind of uneasy around him now as I worry what he will tell me next, almost like I am expecting him to disappoint me at every turn.

I don't like feeling like this and I don't like feeling angry at him. Also, he doesn't even realize that this is how I feel. What should I do?

Anyway, something else that is bothering me is that my boyfriend has never really brought up the idea of marriage or kids.

We have almost been dating for 2 years and I don't really know if he wants marriage and kids in his life one day. I assume he does since he comes from a religious family that considers marriage important.

He has never specifically said that he wants to get married. Also I guess what I want to hear from him is that marriage and kids are something he wants and that he can see those things happening with me.

How do I bring this up with him without freaking him out?

Also, do you think it's a good idea to bring this stuff up at this point in our relationship? If he doesn't want these things I want to know now so that I don't waste my time on a relationship where we don't have the same long-term goals.

Sorry this is so long but I wanted to put lots of detail into it.

[Scot]

I invite you to ponder with me the much more significant issue at play here: "How on Earth do two people date for almost two friggin' years and not ever have such major matters of mutual compatibility even come up?"

I mean, that's practically unthinkable.

Yet, the answer struck me almost immediately upon reading the email and has haunted me since.

The truth is that it's so blasted easy to get into a situation like Jennifer's that it's no wonder at all, really, that this sort of thing goes on all the time.

Maybe even in your life.

So how DID those two manage to avoid major questions of basic worldview and compatibility for THAT LONG? And more importantly, what 20/20 hindsight is there that could have prevented this?

Well, in my mind it's easy to discern that Jennifer's boyfriend has "failed to deploy" in a crucial but all-too-often overlooked area: relationship management.

And it's not that he's a bad guy. The issue is that he prepared himself with an excellent strategy for his first couple dates or so with Jennifer. BUT...he sort of never adjusted those strategies as the relationship progressed.

That's not a good plan.

I think we've all heard about the guy who tends to sabotage his first conversations with women by talking about "heavy" stuff like politics, religion, etc.

Heck, some of us have actually BEEN that guy.

And just like I'd say to the woman who stereotypically asks about marriage and having kids on the first date, you absolutely want to avoid "long term" or "loaded" discussions for the first couple of dates.

Keeping things light as two people are just getting to know one another helps build comfort and keeps people from creeping each other out.

Fair enough.

But here's the danger there. A couple who starts a relationship will very quickly form habits together that will likely last as long as the relationship itself does.

By as soon as a couple of weeks in, the couple could already have a pattern of thought and/or behavior in place that is set to repeat itself indefinitely.

And if that pattern is not dealt with and adjusted if need be at that time, at around the six-month mark those habits are all but indelibly stamped on the relationship.

For example, if you and your new friend go back to the apartment to "chill and watch movies" for two or three dates in a row early on you may find yourself doing only that all the time. You'll be in a rut, and the relationship will get boring.

Pretty deep stuff, isn't this?

But hang in there with me. What comes next could be potentially life-altering insight for many of you.

Notice that Jennifer is utterly nonplussed (like we are) as to how SO MANY incredibly important things NEVER got talked about.

And nowadays, she is wondering if it's "okay" to even address the important subjects with her boyfriend without "freaking him out".

She has been ready and willing to hit the hard questions all along, but her boyfriend has FAILED TO LEAD in that area.

Ever since the first few dates--back when it was a GOOD IDEA to set the topics of long-term importance on the back burner--he has not modified the flow of the conversation in the relationship.

Two dates turned into three dates...and into six dates...then into six months.

So the important ideas NEVER got talked about. For whatever reason, Jennifer's boyfriend preferred to keep his head in the sand regarding the major compatibility questions rather than open the conversation.

And that turned out to be the mold that the cement that formed the relationship was ultimately poured into.

Nowadays they're indeed in a "rut" there. Basically, the precedent has been set.

Is it that he's insecure about losing her? Perhaps...after all he originally went against his basic moral code regarding moving in together before reversing himself.

But even this reversal was handled with a lack of communication, wasn't it?

Meanwhile, Jennifer is offering a breathtaking demonstration of exactly how important it is to a woman for a man to show leadership skill.

Could she have chimed in on this stuff a lot earlier? Sure.

But what she wants is a MAN. A MAN who can lead. A MAN who can make decisions and give her a secure feeling in his presence.

His lack of leadership in managing the relationship has morphed into what appears to be utter lack of courage in dealing with important questions that will define the viability of the entire relationship.

And nearly two years into this thing, he is showing no signs of getting out of that "rut".

Still at Square One, basically, Jennifer is left to finally stand up and say "enough is enough", as long as it's, uh... "okay" (???) do so.

Relationship management skill is all-important. And the time to consider what all is entailed is BEFORE you meet someone you want to share a significant amount of your life with.

You've GOT to be the quarterback of the relationship, or else you'll end up being a bench warmer.

You've not only got to know how to choose high quality women, you've got to know how to be the MAN who understands how to lead in a relationship once you've chosen her.

Understanding the secret language of women. Not falling into traps. Handling conflict. Knowing what to do when crises inevitably happen.

Getting all of those situations right is mission critical, as is simply knowing how to lead the way to long-term happiness and fulfillment together.

Don't let things "just happen" and end up in a highly disappointing and potentially time-wasting scenario like Jennifer and her boyfriend.

Life is WAY too short for that, wouldn't you agree?

[Sandra]

Girlfriend lets cut to the chase. If YOUR the one bringing up the subject of marriage with your boyfriend chances are you've got more than a little bit of frustration and hurt feelings going on. Am I right? And trust me on this. If he seems the least bit hesitant about discussing the subject of marriage you might just get all worked up, start feeling really hurt and rejected and throw out some crazy ultimatum that will ruin your relationship with him for good.

Understand this. Giving a guy you genuinely love a ultimatum is like throwing the relationship over the cliff. As your falling you realize you've made a terrible mistake but by then it's to late. Everyday out of desperation women the world over give the men they love ultimatums of "marry me or else". Confronting a guy with an all or nothing scenario will usually not have a positive outcome for either one of you. You lose out on a man you love and we already know he's out one hell of a women. Right?

So before you bring up the subject of marriage especially to a guy you've been dating for a year or more give some serious thought to the reasons he might have for not having proposed to you. Did he grow up watching his own parents fight? Did his father-or mother- for that matter walk out when he was a child? Were there constant financial pressures at home that he might have felt were caused by being married? Did he observe one parent controlling the other until they had sucked all the life out of their spouse?

Anticipate some of the reasons why the thought of commitment and marriage might make him want to run the other way when the subject is ever mentioned. Here's a feel good moment for you. Chances are you are not the reason he has not popped the question. Take a look around. There are a lot of unhappy marriages littering the landscape. Maybe he just doesn't want to ruin the good thing he has with you. Marriage CAN be a wonderful thing when two people find their soul mate, face life's challenges together and come out the stronger for it with a love that transcends eternity.