Boyfriend upset over things that happened before we were dating. PLEASE HELP!!

[kristin31]

Hello, so me and my bf (John) have been together 5 months now, but he is having a hard time getting over things that happened between me and other men before we were together. I had my first bf at 18 and my second directly after. I also lost my virginity at 18 also, so I did not have much experience with sleeping around until this period right after my second bf when I was 21. So I meet John directly after breaking up with my 2nd bf, and even though I liked him and things were already pretty intimate, I decided I didn't want to jump into another relationship. I clearly told him this and he understood and agreed that he did not want a gf, so we decide to stay as FWB. About a month goes by and a few other guys caught my interest. I felt like I missed out on having fun and sleeping around since I had been in relationships through most of college, so I took this opportunity to see what it was all about. I met up with a guy from my work and we eventually ended up having sex twice within that month time frame. On one of these occasions, John had come over to hang out randomly when I had already been planning to hang out with the guy from my work. He fell asleep and I felt so horrible and awkward that I told him he had to go because I wanted to go get some homework done at Starbucks. In the next two months, I also had sex with two other guys while still maintaining a FWB relationship with John. He eventually found out about everything going on and became extremely angry and called me names and said he never wanted to see me again. I did everything I could to keep him as my friend and we eventually got to a point of stable friendship again. Soon after, towards the end of December, I had a bad yeast infection that I mistook to possibly be an STD. Once discovered as a yeast infection, I realized that the fear of STD's was enough to keep me from sleeping around and I liked having a bf to depend on. I went on a family vacation to Florida for a week that I used to collect myself and focus my thoughts towards John who was house sitting for me at home. I arrived back home and asked him if he wanted to date in mid January. He agreed and we've now been dating for just about 5 months. The problem is occurring now in our relationship. He continues to chastise me for the way I treated him when I was single. He has continuously reminded me of these mistakes the entire time we've been dating. I was cheated on by my first bf a year into our relationship, so compared to how well I knew John when I was single and sleeping with other men, of course I considered it rude, but I never saw it as cheating. I have apologized on many occasions and have asked him what I can do to fix it and he has never given me a clear answer. Today, 6 months after I've had sex with another man and 5 months since me and John have been dating, we had a huge fight about this topic. By this point, I'm pretty sick of hearing about it. I hate cheating more than anything, so I am extremely loyal to him as his gf and think he is overreacting to this. He claims that the things that I did in the past have changed the way he sees me, but he still agreed to date me. Now I am crushed because he is threatening to break up with me for what feels like nothing considering it happened so long ago and when we were both single. He was not talking to any other girls after he met me. He is a very sweet guy, but I hate that he is letting this stupid stuff I did control our relationship. Do you think he is in the right to still be angry? How can I help him get over this so our relationship can finally be healthy?? Please offer your opinions! Thank you.

[Becky]

If your man can't handle the fact that you do have a past, you're facing an uphill battle. Once you confess your past sins to him you obviously can't take them back. However, there are things you can do to effectively undo the damage you've already done and get him to see beyond what you did before you met him. Getting your man to focus on the here and now is truly the key to accomplishing this.

Make Certain He Knows That What You Feel For Him is Different

It's impossible to know how much is too much to tell about your past. In most relationships we strive for full disclosure. We want the connection to be based on honesty and that includes frankness about any relationships that may have been significant that happened in the past.

However, you can never really know for certain how your man will eventually react to the news that you were involved with other men before him. Some guys take the information in stride and never give it a second thought, others allow the details to fester in their emotional core and it quickly becomes a source of unending conflict between the couple.

You can typically tell if your man is bothered by the news that you have indeed had a past before him. He'll ask countless questions about your former lovers and he may even ask you to compare him to them. If this does indeed happen you must be very clear with your boyfriend that he is the only man you have ever felt so close to. You must make a point of expressing to him that you believe the connection you two share surpasses anything you had in the past. Make certain that your boyfriend understands that you feel that any experiences you may have had before meeting him were only to fill in your time until he walked into your life. Ensure he feels very special.

Encourage Him to Focus on The Present and The Future

If your boyfriend repeatedly wants to talk about your past relationships, switch the conversation to what you want to do now and tomorrow with him. Some men become so fixated on their girlfriend's past that they can't enjoy what is happening between them right now in the moment. You have to be the one to guide your man towards this enlightenment and you can do that by creating new experiences for both of you. Each and every time you say to your boyfriend, "I've never done that before," he'll feel he's embarking on a new adventure that you're only going to share with him. It doesn't matter if it's rock climbing or trying a new restaurant. The focus should be on creating new memories that only involve the two of you.

It's also wise to gently tell him that you can't change your past and that he needs to let it rest so it doesn't create an enormous divide between the two of you. He may feel unable or unwilling to do that but it's important that you stress to him that unless he does, the relationship can't move forward.

Realize That His Insecurities Are Driving His Behavior

When a man asks a woman about her past, he's typically doing so with an expectation that he'll be able to handle whatever she shares. If the information reaches beyond the scope of what he expected to hear, it may push some vulnerability buttons within his ego.

Even if your other experiences were years and years ago, your man may take them as a personal challenge. He may wonder what you saw in other men and he may also take on the unreal idea that you should have waited for someone like him, or him, in particular.

If he asked about your past and you shared what you felt was appropriate in an honest and compassionate way, you can't possibly control his reaction. You are not responsible for his bruised or threatened ego. You can't carry with you the guilt that your confession changed the relationship. If your connection falters because of your honesty, that's a clear indicator that your man's ego matters more to him than honesty between you two.

There may come a point when you have to decide if you want to continue defending your past choices as you're trying to build a new and meaningful connection with a man who seems stuck on your past. It's important to remember that regardless of how much he may wish you could change your past, you can't. If he can't accept the woman you are now, including who you were in the past, that may be a sticking point you two can't get past.

[David]

If you want to get your boyfriend to trust you again you have to be willing to put in some hard work and you need to be persistent. It's not always easy but if keeping the man you love is your goal, it's well worth all the effort it takes.

One important thing to remember if you want to get your boyfriend to trust you again is you need to show him that you'll be different, and not just say it. When a person feels betrayed they have a very hard time believing anything the other person tells them. You can promise over and over again that you'll be different, but he won't believe it until he sees it. That's why you're better off putting all your effort into really making those important changes instead of trying to talk him into believing you'll be different. Make an effort each day to improve who you are as a woman. Work at the issue that caused the problem in the first place. Show him, through your continued good behavior, that you have indeed learned from your mistake.

Talk to him about what his needs are during this time. When trust is broken in a relationship, the partner who feels betrayed needs to express what they are feeling. That might include anger, disappointment and confusion. Let him tell you everything he's feeling. Answer any and all questions as honestly and openly as you possibly can. If you want to get your boyfriend to trust you again, you need to show him that you're an open book and that you aren't going to keep secrets from him. If he feels that you're genuinely making an effort to help him to feel more confident in your love for him, he'll start to open up again.

Patience is vital during this time. You can't expect him to forgive and forget overnight. It will take time and sometimes it may feel as though you're getting nowhere. Be supportive, honest and available to him as much as you can be. It may take some time but he'll start to trust you again.

[Clay]

Do you think he is in the right to still be angry?

He doesn't have the right to be angry, but he just can't help himself every time his mind flashes back to your past.

At the moment, he is having trust problem with you. He feels if you did it then, you can still do it now.

I suggest you have a one-on-one talk with him and let him know that was your past and it won't occur now that you are dating him. Also, make sure you match your words with action because he'll be observing your actions after you do this before he will be convinced.

Good luck!