He Hasn't Said I Love You After 2 Years

[Judith]

What if you have been with a man for almost two years, you are still wondering what the future will be?

I met my boyfriend met online. We are in our late forties, are both divorced, and both have kids.

For the past year, we are only seeing each other once a week (one night, or part of the weekend) because he has his kids part of the time, and his has a busy job which involves traveling. We live about 45 minutes apart, and his long commute also means less time together.

We have incredible physical chemistry and we both say that we've never experienced that much passion before. We enjoy many of the same things and we're intellectually compatible also.

Recently I am uneasy because we spend a lot less time together, and it does not seem likely that we will move in together in the next three years (when his older child graduates from high school) or even in the next 5 years (when his younger child graduates).

Another thing is he has never said the "3 words" yet. Once I asked him if he loves me, and he said I should watch what he does, not what he says.

I asked him again today, and he said he does not want to say it "just to say it." He thinks he was too hurt by his previous marriage. We were both cheated on by our spouses after 20 years of marriage.

I do not think he is just fooling around. But I am not sure whether I want to hang out for that long without even knowing he is sure he loves me.

I am OK with the idea of not moving in together because of the kids. On the other hand, I don't know if I will ever find somebody like him. I felt so lucky and amazed that there is somebody like him for me.

Too long already! Confused!

[Becky]

So you've been with Gus (I'll call him that) for almost two years, but THIS you never planned on.

In two years, he's never said the big ILY.... NOT good.

You were only seeing him weekly... and now you're seeing him even LESS. Also not good.

HE has set the rules for seeing each other.

You have a vague hope that after the last child has graduated from high school, then maybe you two can live together... or more.

You're well aware that Gus hasn't given you any promises about a future.

Gus knows that you want more - much more!

Now I have to give him credit that he's NOT trying to deceive you - quite the opposite.

I also give him credit for putting his children first.

For divorced parents, it's easy to put your love life on hold (it saves your dear children from meeting a bunch of wackos).

Bringing someone into your kids' lives is a huge step.

More than half of the time, the kids would rather not share their parent once they're used to having that parent revolve around their lives.

The idea that this is magically easier when they turn 18 is just wishful thinking. It isn't!

So I agree with Gus on this point: don't let someone just move in (living together) when you're raising children.

But divorced parents do remarry - that's a fact of life. The question is - is Gus going to do this, and is he going to do this with YOU?

Getting married shows a level of commitment that goes far beyond "mom's boyfriend who is now living with us, drinking his morning coffee in the kitchen in his jammies when I wander down with a bewildered expression seeking sugary manufactured grain products."

So Judith, you've got your work cut out for you.

Since you really love Gus, it's time to start positioning yourself as someone who is "the marrying kind."

You have fallen into these patterns that show that you accept less for yourself; that you're willing to consider a lot of "maybes" that are years in the future, when Gus has not even directly asked you this, but may have given you these impressions about when he wants to eventually consider marriage.

Starting now, decide in your mind what kind of relationship you deserve. Settling for the crumbs just will no longer do!

This has to start with an attitude on your part and a LOT of deep thought.

Do you really deserve to see someone just occasionally, at the point when you and he should be moving your relationship toward spending MORE time together, and being involved with his family, and clearly heading closer to marriage, not farther away?

He will have the same respect for your life and your time that you do.

If you don't show that you respect your life and your time, and that you know you deserve a man who adores you and wants to BE with you, then you'll keep spending month after month NOT HAPPY.

There is no commitment here, so first of all, start your engines - start looking around. Start dating. Stop seeing Gus on his schedule. Let him fit into your schedule, poor fellow.

Position yourself as marriage material!

The Reverse Ultimatum is actually perfect for your situation. I would highly recommend that you read it and put it into practice. You'll certainly find out how Gus feels and if he is ever going to marry you.

What can a person do to avoid getting into one of these "Traps of the Heart"?

You have to know what you want going in!

Know that you will not accept being relegated to the occasional weekend.

Know that you will not stay with someone who implies that maybe, after the last kid has finished school, you two might get married. That is meaningless. That's an empty promise.

Know that you have your fingers on the pulse of your relationship, and you know when it's thriving or not - and you don't sit back watching the embers of what used to be enthusiasm, spending lots of time together, and getting closer.

So know what you want before you go into a relationship, and show that you expect no less than being at the forefront of a man's life - assuming you're the kind of woman he WANTS at the forefront of his life!

But it's not too late to turn things around.

And the beauty of this is - it's all HIS idea.

With a little help from you.