I Just Found Out My Boyfriend Has A Child

[Elizabeth]

I've gotten myself into a situation that I probably shouldn't have gotten involved with.

I'm 19 years old and started seeing a guy I used to work with. The thing is he's 30, I know this is a huge age difference especially at my age but I had never intended for this to last as long as it has.

About 3 or 4 months into our relationship I found out he had a son who had just been born. He told me he hadn't said anything because he didn't want to complicate things since we weren't that serious.

He also told me he wasn't with the mother and had only been with me since we'd been together. I decided to continue my relationship with him.

We've been together for about a year and a half now but I have a few problems with our relationship.

First I've never met his son, he tells me stories about him and shows me pictures but I've never actually seen him.

He told me he wanted me to eventually and we were supposed to take him out for lunch one day but he ended up changing his mind. He says he is not comfortable with me meeting him yet.

I don't want to bother him about this, it's his son and his decision but I really would like to feel like I'm more involved in his life.

He also started working as a bus driver. His shifts start very early like 3 and 4 in the morning and are long shifts but he usually get a 3-hour break in the day. Which is when I usually see him.

He gets two days off during the week but usually takes his son for those days but sometimes he'll come see me, because of this I never get to go to his apartment I've only been there 3 times.

I don't drive so its easier for him to come and see me especially since we see each other mostly on his breaks.

I'm also in university so that limits our time even further. It bothers me that we never go to his house when he lives alone and I live with my parents but I don't know how to change this.

I've been worrying lately that he might be seeing other people, mainly his ex and mother of his child.

Obviously he has to see her and speak to her, so I can't say anything about it. Since I never go to his apartment I'm worried that maybe she's there.

I do call his apartment when he's not home to see if any girls answer and they don't but they used to be engaged so I'm really paranoid, they were serious but he swears he's not with her.

He's really kind to me when were together and were happy and all that, but I'm worried that I'm getting myself into a situation I can't handle.

I know I'm young so I don't know how these kid situations are suppose to work and I can't talk to anyone about it.

My parents don't know he has a kid and my friends think I'm foolish, none of their relationships are this complicated.

I really hope you can tell help me, my biggest fear is that I'm being used or helping him cheat on this woman.

I just figured I try and see if you had an opinion.

[Gray]

Hello Elizabeth:

First of all, thank you for writing. I'm sure what you are going through must be very frustrating.

I have to tell you that my first inclination is to believe that your guy likely is seeing other women, and may in fact be married to the mother of his baby (assuming the baby in the pictures is really his).

For starters, the very predictable and regular pattern of his visits with you--especially in the middle of his work shifts--is a dead giveaway.

And while I understand he's telling you that he sees his son on all of his days off, somehow that story doesn't hold together for me.

Have there NEVER been exceptions...even now that over a year has passed?

Further, he conveniently did not tell you about the baby for the first few months. Was he seeing you on his days off before his son was born? Or has it always been the way it is now?

Then, he suggests the possibility of you meeting his son only to change his mind later.

Has he told you why he is uncomfortable?

Sure, I'll be the first to acknowledge that even small children are VERY astute when it comes to picking up on social things.

But I'd be hard pressed to believe that a little one who, based on your timeline, can't be older than 14 months would be even able to comprehend you being Daddy's girlfriend--especially if the PDA was kept in check during the meeting.

And there are other questions. First of all, are you SURE that the number you have is to his apartment?

Are you SURE the apartment you visited was HIS apartment if you've only been there a few times in a year and a half? And if so, were given the "tour" or did he keep you only in the main room?

Trust me when I tell you it is NOT standard for a guy not to bother to bring a woman back to his place all that often during a year and a half of dating.

All of that said, the most troublesome factor I see is the LACK OF COMMUNICATION between the two of you.

Based on what you've written, he simply has to know you have questions. Yet it looks to me like he pretty much prefers to keep you in the dark.

Otherwise, if there was nothing to hide don't you think he would rather you be comfortable with him than uncomfortable?

My educated guess is that the man you are with is a master manipulator. As such, he fully realizes the power of treating you right when you're actually together.

When you feel good while he's with you and afterward, this naturally keeps you from asking the hard questions and "spoiling the moment".

He knows that.

But here's the thing: If you have ALL THESE QUESTIONS and NO ANSWERS, it's time to learn a life truth.

I realize you're young, but that doesn't mean you can't become wise beyond your years.

When you have enough evidence to go on, it's perfectly okay to either demand the answers you truly deserve...or end the relationship.

After all, as you've heard me say a thousand times, there are some GREAT, HIGH QUALITY MEN OUT THERE. The longer you stay with someone who is a manipulator, the longer you are keeping yourself from meeting them!

Instinctively, you probably already realize this. After all, you've heard your friends' opinions and deep down you know what your parents would tell you if you mentioned the baby.

So why, then, do we stay in unfavorable relationships even when we suspect something (or many things) are very, very wrong?

Why do we stay in relationships even when we're frustrated or even totally unhappy?

Simple...we want answers. We want CLOSURE.

Somehow, sticking around until we KNOW EVERYTHING FOR SURE is exactly what KEEPS US THERE.

Weird, isn't it?

Actually, it's really a perfectly normal human thought process called the Zeigarnik Effect.

According to Wikipedia, the Zeigarnik Effect states that "people remember uncompleted or interrupted tasks better than completed ones".

In other words, if we're "left hanging" in suspense about something, we're very likely to have a very unsettling feeling until whatever it is can be resolved.

When a TV show ends with "to be continued", we're peeved...but we're also way, way more likely to tune in to the next episode!

And that's EXACTLY what's going on in your relationship.

Your guy is depending upon the element of unresolved "mystery" to keep you around, despite pretty strong evidence that you should probably end things.

Well, here's what I hope you'll take away from this conversation above all else: OFTEN IN LIFE YOU'LL NEVER, EVER GET ALL THE ANSWERS.

Sure, you feel like you don't want to mess something good up if all of this is in your head. But when the evidence that something fishy is going on starts to mount, it's time to act.

And now is one of those times where you've got to fight the urge to resolve your suspense and simply let go.

The ironic part? Once you break up he may just end up giving you the information you wanted anyway.

Why? Well, because it's also human nature to spill our guts when there's no longer any reason to keep quiet.

I realize this will be a hard decision, but I'm rooting for you!

[Elizabeth]

Thank you Gray, I will do as you have said.