How Can a Woman Get Better In Bed: He Said Making Love to Me Is Boring

[Malvin]

I have some questions about my sister.

However, she said that if she told her husband about it it would make him very insecure. She was a virgin when she married.

However her husband was not. He had four close relationships before her. Everyone of his girl friend cheated on him... I think this has alot to do with his relationship with my sister.

In the beginning she said they has sex often and he wanted to try new positions. After my sister got pregnant his sex drive changed. Since the baby was born which has been a year ago now he still isn't showing any interest. She told me she is lucky if they have sex once a month. When they finally make love he lasts two minutes at the most. My sister rarely has an orgasm.

She has started using a vibrator by herself to keep her needs met. She has thrown away all her lingerie because he didn't like her wearing it. I told her she should start using the vibrator when their together so they could feel some kind of connection. She replied that he is offended that she uses the vibrator, and he gets mad that she is using it at all.

He has told my sister that making love to her is boring because she doesn't do anything. Since then she has bought countless books on the internet to find out how she should move in bed. This hasn't worked. Since she has been with him she has become very insecure. She has started dressing way too revealing, and she regrets staying a virgin until marriage. She believes that if she would have slept with other partners she would be better in bed. I have told her this is not true...

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE... Something has to be done for my sister. And I don't know what to do. Your advice would be highly appreciated.

[Clinton]

I can hear your frustration... and I know what it is like when you want to help someone you love... and it seems like there is just nothing you can do.

There is a lot of complex issues here... and the main thing that your sister MUST understand... is that based on what you wrote... SHE is not the problem... HE is.

And while OF COURSE this kind of thing is never one persons fault... it is always BOTH of them... I think we can make some accurate thoughts as to why his previous girlfriends cheated on him...and in that pattern we can see that he needs some serious help in his intimate relationships.

Here is one issue that they might be dealing with...

It is very common for men to lose their sexual attraction for their wife after she becomes pregnant... sometimes this happens even sooner...often in just a few months and sometimes triggered by getting married.

Here is what is going on...

He STOPS thinking of her as his "hot sex kitten"... and starts thinking of her as the "mother of his child."

There is all sorts of complex emotions involved in the way we think of "mothers" in general... and at the most basic level, the sexual blueprint in some mens heads... the things that turn them on... has to do with being "naughty."

Sex is supposed to be "forbidden" and "bad" and that is part of what makes it FUN.

The nurturing and protective feelings he has when he thinks of her as the mother of his child just completely short circuits his sex drive... it seems wrong to him emotionally to want to do something "dirty" with the new "mummy."

The other bad stuff flows from this.

He may not even be aware why sex with his wife suddenly seems wrong... or even repulsive... he becomes insecure about his sex drive... that makes him angry and jealous... her dressing sexy makes it worse... in his mind... mummies should not do that.

Him saying that she is not good in bed is just his insecurities lashing out... of course it has less than nothing to do with it... his sex drive has gone and he feels like less than a man... and he is too weak to admit that it might be his own issues and not hers.

Couples counselling might help... and he would have to agree to it... which is something he would fin difficult... because that would mean admitting that something is wrong... and that may be very hard for such an insecure guy.

Bottom line is this...

The first thing she has got to do is STOP being afraid about this and realize that she is not doing ANYTHING wrong... except of course that she is not confronting him and talking to him about getting her needs met.

And it sounds like he has chosen her largely because she is not the kind of woman who is strong enough to point out where he is being insecure and immature.

She has got some choices to make...

Obviously I think she should TALK to him and try to get him to seek counselling with her... and that is going to take some guts on her part... for what it is worth... much of what I have published in The Intimate Communion Magazine would be USELESS to him... because he has not admitted that he has a problem yet... and really they need face to face work for their relationship problems.

Ultimately he may learn to make love at a deeper level and find that his sex drive can be triggered by other more powerful things... and he is going to have to be completely on board or it is a waste of time to learn those things from my materials.

And like I said... first she is going to have to have some very difficult conversations with him... so I would suggest she gets support first to build up her confidence to bring the relationship issues with him... as he is going to be angry... at least at first... and he may say some hurtful things to protect his insecure self... and then... ultimately, she must decide if it is worth pushing... or if it is better to save the harmony in the marriage for the sake of their daughter.

This is a terrible decision to make... and many wives and mothers have decided to do exactly this... and it sounds like your sister is on that path... often couples who make the decision to "save the marriage for the children" can cooperate happily as friends and secretly seek sexual gratification outside of the marriage.

Nobodys idea of an ideal relationship... yet that is just the truth for some couples... and it would be inauthentic for us to not admit the truth of that in this discussion of the issue.

Remember my friend... she is an adult... and much as you want to "save" her... in the end it is HER life... and her decision... yes you can advise... and in the end... you have to respect her decisions... and just be there to comfort her when she needs it... half the marriages in todays world fail... and hers is on some very rocky ground.

Meanwhile... because she was a virgin and he was not... he is the "expert" and so she believes him when he says it is her fault... again... it is not.

If she stays true to herself... and she takes back the confidence that he has taken from her...then she may have the power to convince him that he is wrong... and that their marriage is worth saving... and worth healing.

There is incredible power in speaking your truth... regardless of the situation... being able to say what is true for you to your lover is often very challenging... and it not only worth it for the relationship... it is worth it for everything in your life.

Suggest to her she can contact me if she would like some one to one coaching and support... no amount of book or article reading is going to solve this problem... they both would benefit from face to face work and support.

Thank you again Martin for writing to me and being concerned... yet at the end of the day... no matter how much you want to help... it is down to them both to work through their issues and seek help... they have to make that "choice!"

Take care of yourself and keep me posted how things go.

[Sofia]

Sex is an area of conversation that makes some women feel really uncomfortable. Some women just don't know how to act in bed and they don't know how to let loose and to forget about the little things that may irritate them. A lot of women worry about the way that they look in bed and they would hate to have sex with the lights on. You feel this way and you don't want to feel like this anymore.

You want to be better in bed and you want to make that happen as soon as possible. You would love to make love to your man in a way that would not only give him more pleasure, but that would also give you pleasure as well. You want to really wow him in the bedroom by giving him something that he will never forget. You are ready to become a total sex goddess in bed and you want to do that now.

The first step to being better in bed is to learn how to get in touch with your sexuality. It is encouraged to explore your body and what turns you on so you can better inform your man of what you like. Women are afraid of masturbation but you shouldn't be. If you know how to please yourself and what you like, then you can relay that back to your man so he can do the same for you. That way, you both get pleasure out of it.

Another way to be better in bed is to try new things. When you are trying a new position, you feel vulnerable and this makes sex more exciting. You have to trust your partner more and when you do that, it opens up communication and the sparks will fly.

You should also not be afraid to suggest things in the bedroom. If you want to try something on your man, suggest it to him or better yet, just do it. Don't be afraid to be the one to initiate sex. That is every man's fantasy, to have a woman who knows what she wants and who isn't afraid to go out and get it. Be this woman and not only will you be able to please him better, but also you will feel more pleasure yourself.

Sex is the best when two people are in love and they have passion for each other. If you want to be better in bed, learn how to use sex as a way to express your feelings for your partner. This will translate into really great sex and you will feel much better about your abilities.

[Ella]

You'd be hard pressed to find a married couple who would readily admit that they have the ideal relationship. Marriage isn't always a walk in the park. Sometimes, a fair amount of hard work is involved. It's obviously easy to throw in the towel when things get rough, but any couple who deeply loves one another isn't going to do that. As a woman, you may feel like walking away when you realize that your husband doesn't find you as attractive, appealing or as exciting as he once did. You work hard to be the best balance of wife, mom and friend that you can be. Knowing the man you love finds you boring can be both frustrating and disheartening. There's no time like the present to show him that you still have some spontaneity in you.

Make Some Self Improvements for You

Sometimes a husband will become bored with his wife because she's bored with herself. If you follow the same mundane routine day-after-day and you've lost your interest in trying anything new, your husband may start to see you as uninteresting. He obviously didn't feel that way when you two met, fell in love and married.

If you do indeed feel as though the spark has left you, it may be time to rediscover that part of yourself. Many women fall into a rut when they marry and become mothers. They put everyone else's needs in front of their own and that inevitably results in them losing their own sense of identity. The result can be a woman who is not only unsatisfied with herself, but also frustrated with where her life is.

You can change all of that by embracing the woman you want to be again. If you gave up your career to become a full-time mom, now may be the right time to consider going back to work on a part-time basis or even spending a few hours a week volunteering.

The moment you step outside the box you've been stuck in, you'll become that much more interesting and intriguing to your husband as well. It's hard not to put your family first, but it's also imperative for you to nurture who you are. By finding your new passion in life you'll soon discover that your husband will find you as appealing as he did the day you two first met.

Plan Something Unexpected Today

The idea of thinking up new things to do in a stale marriage may feel like a lot of work, but it doesn't have to. Even trying something as simple as cooking something completely unexpected for dinner will shift your husband's opinion of you almost instantly. If you'd rather not put in the effort to dream up a new dish, gather the ingredients and sweat the afternoon away in the kitchen, why not make a reservation at an exotic restaurant? Lay your husband's best suit on the bed and get dressed to the nines before he arrives home. In this scenario you tell him to quickly shower and change and you're off for an exciting and impulsive dinner date. You'll be the one sweeping him off his feet.

If your husband is a big fan of sports and you've always hidden away in another room while he's cheered his favorite team on, now may be the time to jump into the sport with him. Buy tickets to the next home game for his team and join him in the stands or on the sidelines. He won't be expecting this at all and he's going to be touched that you've suddenly taken an interest in something he absolutely adores.

Reconnect with Your Husband as a Couple

Your husband may see you as a boring partner, because he's associating more closely with you as the mother of his children, than his lover and romantic equal. You have to get him to shift his mindset so he sees you as a woman who can effortlessly fulfill all of those roles and more.

Couple time in a marriage is very important and many wives and husbands just don't recognize that. They think if they spend time with each other as well as the children that they are engaging in quality time as a family. That's true but there's a lot to be said for quality time as a couple also.

You don't have to invest in any expensive dates to make this happen. You do have to invest your time, energy and imagination though. Plan moments for just you and your husband to spend together. Share a relaxing glass of wine at the end of the day after the children have gone to bed, or take turns making each other breakfast in bed on the weekends.

You really want to show your husband that you're just as much his wife as a mother. If he can see you in the renewed role as his romantic life partner, you're instantly going to ensure that he sees you in a new light as a dynamic and vibrant woman.

Crawling out of a negative place within a marriage can be difficult and showing your husband that you're far from boring may be a challenge. However, a happier marriage in which you're respected and your needs are fulfilled is worth any effort you have to make.

[Malvin]

I appreciate all the advice I got from you all. Thank you!

[speaker145]

Wow. Some great answers on this post. I was thinking much of the same thing, so I will not repeat the same answers. You said your sister has started buying books on the internet to learn how to be a better lover. One thing she should do, if she hasn't already is ask him what she can do to satisfy him and to teach her how to do it. If he refuses or makes excuses to avoid telling her or teaching her what pleases him, then the problem is not her, it is him and his issues.

[bunnyhabit]

more commication is needed in this relationship. your sis dressing more sexy is a positive step to get her hubby out of his shell. most husband come up with ways wifey can spice up mattress time. role play, different positions, different places, costuming etc. leads me toward he has side chick or medical problems by his actions. all normal guys want to get some at least weekly. how is sis 's hygiene and personality in bed? does he have a mother fixation now because she breeded? they need to talk about solutions and your sis has to challenge his unacceptable treatment for alternative solutions to her satisfaction or else big D time.

[Racyjames]

The answers here, are so true.
She has a big role to play here, she

[Racyjames]

The answers here, are so true, Malvin.
your sister is a great person, let her know that.
she truly, have a vital role to play here. Communication is everything in a successful relationship. She most believe in herself, be confident and bold enough to confront her husband with humidity about this issue. She has no reason to be afriad, and as she goes about it, let her be very honest to express herself and all her inconvenience to her spouse. She must let him know that change must be done to the issue for the happiness and progress of their family.

I believe if these tips are approach well, everything thing will be alright.
Good luck

[jessiemiller]

Thanks for advice!