Great Guy But He's AWFUL In Bed... What Can I DO?

[Alexa]

I need your help! I met this guy through a friend.

We went out. He's HOT (gorgeous. He has abs. I've never been with a guy who had ABS like that before). We went out a couple times and I found myself FALLING for this guy like crazy. I felt ALL this chemistry when we kissed.

He's got great hands. Great smile. Great personality. He's got a JOB (unlike my ex) and he really seems to like me . . .

But he's AWFUL in bed.

I mean AWFUL.

So bad that I get just a tiny bit nauseous at the idea of having sex with him again.

It's not that he's "small" (he's not big but he's not tiny or anything.)

It's that he's so damned POLITE and NICE.

Listen, I'm a feminist. I'm strong. I'm powerful. I have a career.

But in the bedroom I want a MAN who can take charge, pull my hair a little, RAVISH me like in a romance novel and just TAKE me . . .

But he spent the whole time making sure I was "OK," and acting a tentative and embarrassed and trying to be so NICE and APOLOGIZING.

I don't know what to do!

He's SUCH a great guy. How do I tell him I want him to be more of a GUY with me? And what do I do if he won't do it????"

Please advise me.

[Nicolas]

Hi Alexa,

Years ago I was talking to an old army friend about sex... he was 18 at the time... and had just lost his virginity... I told him...

"Well, John, someday you are going to have BAD sex . . . the kind of sex that makes you shiver inside.. and that you wish you could go back in time... and make sure you never had."

He laughed at me... and replied...

"there is no such thing as BAD sex."

Then he came back 3 months later... his skin white... and tallow... a depressed look on his face... and said...

"You were right... there is bad sex."

Anyway... that is a tangent.... let us talk about YOUR problem...which is actually really common... I also get emails from women all the time in JUST your situation... I also get a lot of emails from women in the OPPOSITE situation... he is GREAT in bed... and an awful in person.

You might be..."screwed"... here... and you might not....Sorry... I just could not resist the pun!

If he is gorgeous... and nice... and smart... and has a job... and has abs that you can use to do your laundry... it is worth sticking around... and seeing if you can get him to come out of his sexual shell... because I will tell you right now... inside EVERY man there is a BEAST just waiting to come out.

The problem is that a lot of..."nice guys”... men who respect women... see women as equals... and would be great partners... fall for totally Bull Shit idea that... "respecting"... women means being kind of a wuss in the bedroom.... it is not that he does not WANT to use those rippling muscles to take you... seduce you...RAVISH you... and play your body like Jimmy Hendrix's guitar... it is that SOMEBODY... an ex girlfriend... his mother... convinced him that his deep... and dirty... and maybe even a little dark sexual desires are simply NOT OK!

And over the years he has learned to keep his..."beast"... that just wants to TAKE you... and make you orgasm so hard your neighbours think there is an earthquake... locked tightly under lock... and key.

So what do you do?

Well... I would recommend a couple possible angles on this...

1. Let that first time go in your mind... the first time with anybody can be funny... weird... or awful... and it does not necessarily mean you will not be rocking each other's socks soon.

2. Try to get him to open up about what HE dreams about... or thinks about sexually... you may need wine for this if he is particularly repressed.

Most men are going to have a hard time admitting their ACTUAL fantasies to a woman... a lot of men expect women to FREAK OUT when they learn what we really want... and if you can create a safe... non-judgemental place for him he might open up about his cheerleader fetish . . .or his deep attraction to Cheerios... or whatever... people can be weird.

3. If you can get him to open up about his fantasies... see if there is anything in there that you could make a reality.

4. Tell him what YOU want... you do not have to get freaky about it... and tell him... when you are hanging out... not when you are about to have sex... what you are into... and what you would like him to do to you.

Do not bring up ex boyfriends... or anything like that... that will kill him forever... and just talk about how much he turns you on... and how it makes you want him to grab your butt... and take you... add what ever you like after this.

5. And finally... make a game of it... do a little role playing... get some fuzzy handcuffs... show him that sex can be FUN... and dirty... and that he can act out his... "aggressions"... appropriately... and not get yelled at for it.

Is this GUARANTEED to turn him around?

Nope... depending on what is going on in his subconscious... you might not be able to turn this man around... yet it sounds to me like it is worth trying.

[Alexa]

Thank you Nicolas, great advice!