My Wife Has No Desire for Sex, What Can I Do

[Malvin]

I'm facing some stiff resistance with the wife. you have mention that some women have reduced desire as they get older, and my heart sunk. As soon as I start getting erotic, she stops responding. She says she feels like I'm putting pressure on her. After going through all the information I got in programs and books, I see I have been doing a lot of things right all along. So, other than engaging her in the many ways I have learnt and being less apologetic about my desire for her, I have needed few adjustments.

A few years ago, I nearly left her because I felt the effort I was putting into the relationship was not worth the rewards I was getting out of it.

She had no idea how unhappy I was. I never let my frustrations show. I kept trying to "kill her with kindness". A friend gave me a book called "His Needs, Her Needs", and I discovered a lot of my efforts were a bit misplaced. With a few corrections, she was happier than ever.

However, there is still a huge hole in our relationship, from my perspective, that remains unfilled. While we do have sex a few times a month with some BJ's in between, it is very obvious that it is a chore for her most of the time, and she is rarely "present" in the acts with me. We've discussed it away from the bedroom many times, but her response is always the lack of desire.

She insists that I am wonderfully attentive to her needs in bed, and it has nothing to do with me.

I have read some articles in the masculine heart and I understand what needs to be done and why it needs to be done the way you present it.

We are in our early 50's, in very good shape, and married for almost 30 years. I believe her when she says that her lack of desire is the issue, and has been the issue for the best part of the last ten years. How do I help her to get through this?"

[Sammy]

Hi Malvin,

Let me tell you, I FEEL for you here.

I personally spent nearly a 6 months in a relationship with a woman with a WAY below average sex drive and I have will be honest with you it killed me every time I touched her and she pulled away . . .

And it killed me even more when she decided to "do me a favour" and have sex with me even though she did not really want to.

That was a HUGE passion killer for Me.

It was not until we broke up (horribly, and sex was a big part of it) that I discovered again what it was like to be desired by a woman.

Ultimately, I have bad news for you:

Some women (and some men) just do not have much sexual desire and some women (and some men) see their sexual desire dive off a cliff like a lemming as they get older.

In a lot of cases "Therapy" can help

But if you've tried everything, been a good and attentive lover and a good man and she's still not responding you may just need to accept that sex is not that important to her . . .

And she needs to accept that sex IS that important to you.

A relationship is not to be a prison sentence.

Sex is important and getting your sexual needs met is as important as her getting her non-sexual and emotional needs met.

Now here is the advice that gets me in trouble:

Talk to your wife about this. Be honest (but not accusatory) about how you feel about your sex life. Don't blame her. It's not her fault she doesn't have much sexual desire any more than it's your fault that you do.

From there you have got three options...

1. Break up so you can pursue the sexual satisfaction you are entitled to.

2. Open your relationship. Keep the emotional connection and companionship you've had for 30 years but have her give you permission to seek sexual satisfaction elsewhere. This may trigger some MAJOR drama at first, but ultimately she may like having the pressure taken off her to do something she doesn't want to do.

3. Be miserable and keep doing what you've been doing.

You have been doing 3 for a while now. And ultimately you are either going to resent your wife or break down and cheat on her if and when another woman shows you interest.

Difficult situation for you, and trust me on this, really common actually.

Keep me informed of how things go for you.

[Anthony]

Do you want your wife to desire sex as much as you desire? Are you the one who always initiates the sex wondering why she is not excited about making love with you?

Why has her sex drive decreased and are there any ways to bring out the excitement that was in her when both of you had just started the relationship? Here are some basic methods to increase her sex drive and craving for sex:

1. Foreplay

Most men have no idea or knowledge on how to perform a good foreplay that can arouse a woman physically and emotionally. Foreplay is not only about oral stimulation. It also includes sensual massage on any parts of her body, and the way you treat her before the love making session.

2. Sex toys

Try to communicate with her openly, and make her share with you any sex toys she would like and how she likes to use it. Understand more about what she really enjoys, and helps her to achieve orgasm using that.

3. Express your feelings for her

She will feel great and being cherished if you can tell her how you enjoy the romantic evening and the hot passionate sex with her, this will also make her want to have more sex with you.

4. Orgasm

You need to give her orgasm whenever you have sex with her, this will increase her sex drive as she is looking forward to the pleasure you have always given her. Enjoying the pleasure that she deserves to will get her crave sex like crazy.

[Brett]

For several years now, my wife has had virtually no desire for sex. At the beginning, things were great in the sex department but now, any sex we have is like she's doing me a favor. And honestly, I've just about reached the point where I'm done with her. If she'd just be more sexual, I'd be happy with her because outside of sex, she's a great woman. But, I'm just not the kind of guy who can go without sex for weeks or months at a time. Is there any hope for a man in my situation or should I just bring what could have been a really great marriage to an end?"

Now, I know for a fact that this man's sexless plight is not an isolated case...that in fact, there are a LOT of men in the same situation. So, let's consider this interesting question...

What does it take for a wife to desire sex with her husband?

Well, there are a whole litany of factors that impact a woman's desire for sex. Let's explore four of them:

1. How a wife feels about sex is largely dependent upon how her husband feels about her outside the realm of sex. Any time you find a husband whose only interest in his wife is sexual, you WILL find a wife who is NON-sexual -- or one who soon will be.

So, if a man wants his wife to have a greater interest in sex, then the first thing HE should do is start having a greater interest in his wife as a person. Of course, his interest must be genuine and sincere.

2. In order for a wife to feel sexual desire, she must first GENERATE fun, exciting, positive, and sexy thoughts in her mind so that she INVOKES sexual anticipation within herself.

But, do you know, there are a lot of important and pressing responsibilities and matters that crowd into a wife's mind...responsibilities and matters that crowd out all her fun, exciting, positive, and sexy thoughts.

So, the second thing a man must do if he wants his wife to desire sex more is help her in strategic ways so that she has the time, space, motivation, and energy to generate the kinds of thoughts that invoke sexual desire. This can mean all kinds of things from helping out around the house and with the kids to taking your wife to inspiring places that help her access her intimate side.

Now, as obvious and common-sense as this may seem, there is a world-full of husbands who are busy doing their own independent thing and who are leaving all the home / family / children responsibilities up to their wife which means she's GENERATING sad, boring, negative, and NON-sexual thoughts in her mind so that she INVOKES a complete loss of sexual desire within herself.

Let me put this another way...it takes two to have great sex...it takes two to have a great marriage...it takes two to handle the responsibilities of a home / family / children and men who have a great sex life ALWAYS remember that.

3. In order for a wife to feel sexual desire, she must have a husband who is a MAN! This is where many men blow it. Sure, they are man enough outside of their home / marriage but as soon as they walk through the front door of their house, they turn into a soft, passive, apologetic, push-over that their wife bosses around, uses, and abuses...and their wife feels no desire for them.

These are the kind of men who provide for their family AND do EVERYTHING for their wife / home / children. And, while they are doing EVERYTHING, their wife sits around bored, unhappy, and non-sexual.

A MAN contributes to the marriage "team" that he's a part of and he demands that his wife contribute too. He makes sure everyone on the "team" is putting forth concerted effort to make the marriage the best that it can be -- starting with himself.

A MAN is open and positive about sex. He mingles fun, flirty, sexy talk into his chats and conversations with his wife. Sometimes, he even describes to his wife a deeply connected and highly sexual encounter he plans to have with her in the future so that she has something to anticipate. Of course, a MAN is balanced...his conversations with his wife have plenty of meaningful substance to them that's well outside the realm of sexuality. Without the substance, a wife will come to think of her husband as shallow and sexually-needy and be turned-off by him.

A MAN is direct about what he wants from his wife sexually. There are plenty of men who are unhappy with their wife and their intimate life and yet, they've NEVER told their wife what it is that they want from her. So, a MAN tells his wife what he wants and helps her find a way to give that to him in a way that works for her too.

Think about it...how many times have you wanted to have a fun and sexual evening with your wife? Now, contrast that with this question...how many times you've asked your wife to sit down with you and plan out a fun and sexual evening -- one that both of you can enjoy?

4. Many a wife has lost her desire for sex simply because of too much frustration and not enough fulfillment in the realm of sex. Certainly, their husband is capable of satisfying them but he hasn't put enough planning, variety, or time into lovemaking to satisfy his wife. So, the fourth thing a man must do if he wants to ramp up his wife's interest in sex is put more planning, variety, and time into making love.

Too many times, husbands initiate sex with their wife and 10 - 15 minutes later, they are done. Well, in 10 - 15 minutes, a wife hasn't even had enough time to clear her mind let alone get into having sex. In 10 - 15 minutes, neither the man or the wife has had time to really connect emotionally. 10 - 15 minutes is NOT enough time to do something different than what you did all the other times before...which means you did the same thing you did the last time you made love with your wife...which means you are BORING...you're a lousy lover...and your wife will soon enough start AVOIDING sex with you. The point is, walking into your bedroom, jumping in bed, engaging in sex, and cleaning up 10 - 15 minutes later is nothing more than a nuisance, irritation, and frustration to your wife.

For most men, if they did nothing more than just give their wife enough time to get out of her negative thoughts and feelings and time to associate into positive, sexual thoughts and pleasurable feelings they'd instantly become better lovers.

Now, drawing from the four points made above, here are two simple ideas that a man can implement within his own marriage:

* Plan out a day that's entirely focused on you "spoiling" your wife. For an entire day, wait on your wife and serve her in ways that she enjoys and appreciates. If she likes breakfast, serve her breakfast in bed. For dinner, grill her up a nice steak. During the day, take her to a nice art exhibition and then take her shopping. Most importantly, make sure you tell her at least a week in advance what you're going to do for her so that she has a week to enjoy the pleasure of anticipation.

* Plan out in detail an evening of fun and sex...something that's definitely NON-routine...for you and your wife and "treat" your wife to that evening. Then, ask her to do the same and "treat" you to a evening of fun and sex that is a creation of her amazing mind.

[Malvin]

Wow! I now have a great sign of relief with all the advice I have gotten her. Thank you all.

[EDDoctorOnline]

you can consult a near by your doctor. Doctor is good advice providing you.