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Hi, I hope to explain this in a way that makes sense, because I’m going out of my mind trying to figure this out. My fiancé and I are both 34. We are both divorced for more than four years. We both have one son (8 and 11). We’ve been together almost two years and our wedding is next month.
My fiancé is/was a heavy drinker. He has cut back a lot since we got together, but he still will keep drinking until he passes out if there is beer around. I try to not keep more than a six pack at home to reduce the amount he drinks in a day. I drink too, but I’m not constantly worrying about my next drink like he does.
In thr the beginning of our relationship, he drank too much on a regular basis to have sex very often. I’d often try morning sex because I knew it would be my only shot. 90% of our fights are about sex. Mostly when he has drank too much and gets mad that I “only care” about sex. Or when our kids were here, he didn’t want to have sex because the kids might try to walk in or hear us and know what was going on (???). I told him that was ridiculous. There’s no way I’m adopting a “no sex with kids in the house” rule. He never has a problem getting an erection even just kissing , so I know it isn’t a physical attraction issue.
A lot of times we will kiss and hug and touch all day. When it’s time to go to bed, he will say he’s tired or it’s too late. If I try to have sex earlier in the day, he will avoid it or put it off for “later”, only to get angry about how late it is when we finally go to bed. Or he will put on an extra movie and fall asleep. Then I get upset and hurt, and he says all I care about is sex, or I’m picking a fight or something. Then I get hurt and angry, our fight escalates, and he blames me for the whole thing.
We made a pact last Monday to go back to ground zero and work on intimacy. The other day he told me to wait until an episode was done when I was kissing him. Then he said it was too late when the episode was over. I sent him an article on how damaging sexual rejection is for a person. He apologized, promised to take it seriously and made love to me the second he came home from work.
So today we had our sons here. My fiancé woke up at noon, and by 1 he started drinking. He asked me for a six pack around 3. I bought one (six 16 ounces). I went to the store at seven, and he asked for more beer. At this point, he was about nine beers in. So I didn’t get more. I told him I didn’t want to risk a fight with our kids here.
Around 8, we went to our room to watch Netflix. He said he was ready for bed at 9:30. I asked him if he would love on me a little first. He kissed me, but not like a normal kiss. He wasn’t moving his head, just sticking his tongue in my mouth and not letting me pull away so it was uncomfortable. I asked him to kiss me normally, and he pushed me down, got in top and stuck his tongue in my mouth, but again, not like he normally kisses. It was like a punishment. I felt like I was suffocating, so I pushed at him and he refused to back off. I shoved him hard and told him to get off of me. Then he got mean. Said he was doing “what I asked”. I said, no, you are trying to upset me. Then he got angry, saying he was done with me picking fights and “always” fighting about sex, even when he was “giving me what I wanted”. I told him that he was doing it on purpose to upset me, and he shoved me away saying to get away from him. I started crying, begging him to be the man who loves me and wants to marry me. I tried to hug him and he pushed me away, telling me to get out of his face. I just started crying, and he said the boys could hear everything and threatened to go out there and tell them why I was throwing a fit and picking a fight. I just kept crying and begging him to please stop. Please just hold me and stop being angry. He said he was doing that, and I ruined it by starting in with all of my BS.
I know he was gaslighting me, but I don’t know why. Was it punishment for not getting the beer? Does he pick fights to get out of sex? I can’t figure it out. We had been going to premarital counseling, but this was never brought up. I feel crazy because I know he is avoiding sex on purpose, but he says he isn’t and I’m just obsessed with sex, which isn’t true. I just want the man I love to act like he wants me. It’s not frequency. It’s about feeling desired. And he says he does desire me. He even shows me how easily he gets aroused by me. But if he is arouses....why does he avoid sex and then blame me?
My fiancé is/was a heavy drinker. He has cut back a lot since we got together, but he still will keep drinking until he passes out if there is beer around. I try to not keep more than a six pack at home to reduce the amount he drinks in a day. I drink too, but I’m not constantly worrying about my next drink like he does.
In thr the beginning of our relationship, he drank too much on a regular basis to have sex very often. I’d often try morning sex because I knew it would be my only shot. 90% of our fights are about sex. Mostly when he has drank too much and gets mad that I “only care” about sex. Or when our kids were here, he didn’t want to have sex because the kids might try to walk in or hear us and know what was going on (???). I told him that was ridiculous. There’s no way I’m adopting a “no sex with kids in the house” rule. He never has a problem getting an erection even just kissing , so I know it isn’t a physical attraction issue.
A lot of times we will kiss and hug and touch all day. When it’s time to go to bed, he will say he’s tired or it’s too late. If I try to have sex earlier in the day, he will avoid it or put it off for “later”, only to get angry about how late it is when we finally go to bed. Or he will put on an extra movie and fall asleep. Then I get upset and hurt, and he says all I care about is sex, or I’m picking a fight or something. Then I get hurt and angry, our fight escalates, and he blames me for the whole thing.
We made a pact last Monday to go back to ground zero and work on intimacy. The other day he told me to wait until an episode was done when I was kissing him. Then he said it was too late when the episode was over. I sent him an article on how damaging sexual rejection is for a person. He apologized, promised to take it seriously and made love to me the second he came home from work.
So today we had our sons here. My fiancé woke up at noon, and by 1 he started drinking. He asked me for a six pack around 3. I bought one (six 16 ounces). I went to the store at seven, and he asked for more beer. At this point, he was about nine beers in. So I didn’t get more. I told him I didn’t want to risk a fight with our kids here.
Around 8, we went to our room to watch Netflix. He said he was ready for bed at 9:30. I asked him if he would love on me a little first. He kissed me, but not like a normal kiss. He wasn’t moving his head, just sticking his tongue in my mouth and not letting me pull away so it was uncomfortable. I asked him to kiss me normally, and he pushed me down, got in top and stuck his tongue in my mouth, but again, not like he normally kisses. It was like a punishment. I felt like I was suffocating, so I pushed at him and he refused to back off. I shoved him hard and told him to get off of me. Then he got mean. Said he was doing “what I asked”. I said, no, you are trying to upset me. Then he got angry, saying he was done with me picking fights and “always” fighting about sex, even when he was “giving me what I wanted”. I told him that he was doing it on purpose to upset me, and he shoved me away saying to get away from him. I started crying, begging him to be the man who loves me and wants to marry me. I tried to hug him and he pushed me away, telling me to get out of his face. I just started crying, and he said the boys could hear everything and threatened to go out there and tell them why I was throwing a fit and picking a fight. I just kept crying and begging him to please stop. Please just hold me and stop being angry. He said he was doing that, and I ruined it by starting in with all of my BS.
I know he was gaslighting me, but I don’t know why. Was it punishment for not getting the beer? Does he pick fights to get out of sex? I can’t figure it out. We had been going to premarital counseling, but this was never brought up. I feel crazy because I know he is avoiding sex on purpose, but he says he isn’t and I’m just obsessed with sex, which isn’t true. I just want the man I love to act like he wants me. It’s not frequency. It’s about feeling desired. And he says he does desire me. He even shows me how easily he gets aroused by me. But if he is arouses....why does he avoid sex and then blame me?
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