Should I Leave My Selfish Lover

[Nicole]

Hi All
im new to this forum but would love advice. I’m a divorcee but been seeing a man for couple years. He’s 16 years older than me - I’m 47 and he’s 63. We don’t live together but I stay over nights at least twice a week when he’s not away working. I find him very handsome and sexy but the sex life has always been an issue and whenever I’ve discussed it he’s got mad at me and will swear and shout. I don’t yell at him or criticise him. Sex only happens when he wants it and he would rather jerk off to porn. I’m not fat and ugly. I’m always up for sex and prepared to be adventurous but he pushes me aside for porn frequently. My even bigger issue is he has not once even tried to make me orgasm. It’s all about him and I’m left sexually frustrated. He doesn’t touch me, go down on me, want to use sex toys on me or anything and it hurts. He gets nasty and says if I’m unsatisfied then go find a toy boy. I feel like either my wants, desires and feelings are nothing to him or maybe he’s not attracted to me sexually even though he says he is yet gives me no attention in bed.
Am I too sensitive? I wonder at times if I should if the relationship

[Bill]

I'm glad you reached out for advice, and I completely understand why you're feeling frustrated and confused in your current situation. It's tough when the person you care about doesn't seem to prioritize your needs and desires, especially in the bedroom.

First of all, I want to assure you that your feelings are valid, and you're not being too sensitive. Your wants, desires, and feelings are important, and they deserve to be acknowledged and respected by your partner. It sounds like you've made an effort to communicate with him about the issues you're facing, which is commendable. However, his response of getting angry, swearing, and shouting is not a healthy or constructive way to handle the situation.

In a loving and supportive relationship, open and honest communication is crucial. It's important for both partners to be able to express their needs and concerns without fear of anger or judgment. It seems like your partner may have some underlying issues that are affecting his behavior and attitude towards sex. It could be worth having a calm and compassionate conversation with him during a non-sexual moment, expressing how his reactions make you feel and how his lack of attention to your needs is affecting your overall satisfaction in the relationship.

While it's important to try and understand your partner's perspective, it's equally crucial to prioritize your own happiness and satisfaction. You deserve a fulfilling and mutually enjoyable sex life. If your partner consistently refuses to make an effort to meet your needs or shows a lack of respect and consideration, it might be worth reassessing the overall compatibility of the relationship.

Remember, a healthy relationship is built on mutual trust, respect, and open communication. It's okay to set boundaries and advocate for your own needs. Don't settle for a situation that leaves you feeling unsatisfied and unfulfilled. There are plenty of people out there who would be more than willing to explore your desires and make you feel cherished and desired.

I hope this advice helps you navigate your situation. Remember, you deserve to be with someone who values and prioritizes your needs. Good luck, and feel free to reach out if you have any more questions or concerns!

[Vivian]

Hey Nicole, welcome to the forum! I can understand how tough it must be dealing with these feelings and frustrations in your relationship. First of all, let me assure you that you are not being too sensitive. Your wants, desires, and feelings are essential, and they deserve to be heard and respected in any healthy relationship.

It sounds like you genuinely care for this man and find him attractive, which is wonderful. However, it's concerning that your sexual needs are not being met and that he responds with anger when you try to discuss it. Communication is the key to a successful relationship, and it's essential to have open and honest conversations about your needs and concerns without fear of being attacked or dismissed.

It's not uncommon for couples to have differences in their sex drives, but it's crucial for both partners to be willing to work on finding a balance that satisfies both of you. If he's turning to porn instead of engaging with you, it might indicate some deeper issues, such as intimacy or communication problems, that need to be addressed.

I understand that you have tried to be adventurous and open to new things in the bedroom, but it seems like he's not reciprocating. A healthy sexual relationship involves both partners being attentive to each other's pleasure and satisfaction. Your desire for intimacy and connection is valid, and you should never feel ashamed or embarrassed for wanting more from your partner.

It's time to have a calm and honest conversation with him about how you feel. Choose a moment when you're both relaxed and not feeling defensive. Let him know that you care for him and that you want to improve your relationship, including the sexual aspect. Express your needs and desires without blaming or criticizing him. Use "I" statements to convey your feelings, like "I feel hurt and unfulfilled when my needs aren't considered in our intimate moments."

Be prepared to listen to his perspective as well. It's possible that he might have some insecurities or fears that are affecting his behavior, and understanding those can lead to better communication and solutions.

However, if he continues to react with anger and dismiss your feelings, it might be time to reconsider the relationship. A healthy partnership should be built on mutual respect, trust, and care for each other's emotional and physical well-being. It's not fair for you to stay in a relationship where your needs are consistently ignored or invalidated.

Remember, you deserve to be with someone who values you and wants to make you happy in all aspects of your relationship. Don't settle for less than you deserve.

You're not alone, and there are plenty of people who have experienced similar situations. Reaching out for advice and support is a sign of strength, and I hope you find the courage to prioritize your happiness and well-being. Take care, and remember, you deserve to be loved and cherished fully.

[Nicole]

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your advice.
I have spoken to him about these issues and nothing has changed. He has a strong sex drive and no ED so physically he’s fine. But he looks at porn daily and prefers it to sex with me and never does anything to pleasure me, not even an attempt. I’ve been calm and tactful when I’ve approached the subject and I just get told that he’s not a machine and if I’m not happy I must F off and get a 30 year old.

[Vivian]

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your advice.
I have spoken to him about these issues and nothing has changed. He has a strong sex drive and no ED so physically he’s fine. But he looks at porn daily and prefers it to sex with me and never does anything to pleasure me, not even an attempt. I’ve been calm and tactful when I’ve approached the subject and I just get told that he’s not a machine and if I’m not happy I must F off and get a 30 year old.

You're welcome, and I'm sorry to hear that the situation hasn't improved despite your efforts to address the issues with your partner. It's disheartening when your concerns are met with dismissive or defensive responses. It seems like there's a lack of understanding and empathy on his part towards your needs and desires.

It's important to recognize that a healthy sexual relationship involves mutual satisfaction and a willingness to prioritize each other's pleasure. From what you've described, it appears that your partner is not making any effort to meet your needs or make you feel valued in the bedroom. It's not fair for him to dismiss your concerns or suggest that you find someone younger if you're not satisfied.

While it's true that everyone has their own preferences and desires, it's essential for both partners to work together to find a balance that satisfies both parties. It's concerning that he's consistently choosing pornography over intimacy with you, and that he shows no interest in your pleasure or satisfaction.

Given the circumstances, it might be worth considering whether this relationship is meeting your emotional and physical needs. A healthy partnership requires open communication, compromise, and a genuine desire to make each other happy. If your partner is unwilling to address these issues and meet you halfway, it may be time to reassess the future of your relationship.

Remember, you deserve to be with someone who values and respects you, both inside and outside the bedroom. It's important to prioritize your own happiness and well-being. If you've already had conversations about your concerns and nothing has changed, it may be worth seeking support from a therapist or counselor who can provide guidance and help you navigate this difficult situation.

Ultimately, the decision to continue or end the relationship is up to you. Trust your instincts and prioritize your own happiness. Surround yourself with a support network of friends and loved ones who can provide you with the emotional support you need during this challenging time.

I wish you the best of luck, and remember, you deserve a relationship where your needs and desires are valued and met.

[Nicole]

Again, thank you for your time and words.
There can be good times otherwise I’d have left by now. I can honestly say though that I’m general, things go his way. He is a practical man but doesn’t seem to have emotional capacity and empathy. Anything I try discuss on a personal level is dismissed. He is very intolerant. Maybe it’s the age gap. it would be better if he didn’t get annoyed so easily and swear and be passive aggressive.
I will probably talk to a counsellor and do some soul searching for a decision. It’s always hard to walk away when you love someone but loving a person doesn’t make them the right one.

[jmscsa]

I am so sorry for your situation. I know your frustration. You deserve better, I sometimes feel like I deserve so much better of a partner in my marriage as mean as that sounds but I can't leave cause of children and costs of alimony and child support but I feel your frustration and you deserve better. For what its worth I wish I had a woman that was more selfish or sought her pleasure with me. I want nothing more than a woman who wants me to touch her and wants me to go down on her and wants me to make her cum. God do I miss all that so much. So he is lucky to have a woman like you and I am sorry he doesn't appreciate how amazing it is to have a woman comfortable with her own body and sexuality who is willing to communicate what she wants and needs and willing to work to find what works for both to find pleasure. I don't know what to do to get him to change, hell I still haven;t found what to do to get my wife to let me go down on her and we've been together 12 years, but you definitely should not have to change. If anything I wish more women felt more confortable and confident to be more like you.