Issues with Sexual History

[CheaperThanTherapy]

So my partner and I have been together a little over 6 months. We actually met over 3 years ago on Tinder and had a bit of a fling that was sort of becoming something but didnt.

Since then we hooked up a couple of times but both had other casual partners. She tended to dive into dating someone and would say she wasnt single anymore but then would be back adding me a few months later.

The most recent time this happened we were kind of both in a place where we were tired of fucking around. Although we have both had relationships we both have a lot of casual sex history.

First little while goes really fast and is really happy. Everything moves along really well, if maybe a little too fast. We are both very open during the whole process and we already know most of it about each other as we have known each other a while, if casually.

After the first couple of months hee interest in sex starts going down. Isnt initiating and doesnt really ever seem to be in the mood when I want to. I would say we went from 5 or so times a week in the honeymoon phase to 2 times a week.

Around the same time I start seeing things in her phone (we both agreed early on that we don't care at all about looking in each others' phones).

Early on sure there were some messages from guys she had been seeing, even some old dick pics and pics she had sent. But I noticed she was getting rid of them as she saw them again and telling anyone that contacted her that she wasnt single. All is well.

As I said though, about this time I notice one thing, and then another. She is in a group on facebook that is a dating group for fetish enthusiasts.

There's comments from her saying she is a sub and has given guys footjobs and sucked their dick while they wore her underwear. She has old emails from fetlife and sugardaddymeet and locanto. There's messages to her best friend saying she fucked a guy 10 times last night, and that she is not answering messages from another guy anymore because he is too vanilla and she just wants to be thrown around and choked. She is liking memes that say "screw netflix and chill, I just want throatfucking and bestgore.com".

Okay, well, fair enough. That was all before we dated. She is kinky I guess, and you already knew she had a lot of casual sex in the past. Sounds like just need to let the past be the past and have your own bedroom fun.

Except our sex is about as vanilla as it gets. And the times where Ive said Im not really happy with how infrequently we have sex end in arguments about how Im selfish.

It all came to a head the first time when we were away on a weekend together and I basically asked if she even found be sexually attractive.

Wtf? Why would you ask that? I dunno because your entire phone is full of things that indicate youre obsessed with sex and kink but your idea of our sex life is missionary or doggy twice a week where you tell me to hurry up and cum?

Since then, its been probably 3 months of ups and downs really. Good periods where we try to bring it back and pretty much succeed on every front except the sex. It always comes back around, and we always fight again.

I guess what Im trying to figure out is where I go from here. Even if I hadnt found what I did in her phone I am so sexually unfulfilled in the current state of our relationship. The fact that I did find it just makes me feel like she lived life in the fast lane for her younger years and decided it was time to pack it in and figured she could handle having me around while she enjoyed her sexual retirement.

[Clay]

It sounds like you're going through a complex and challenging situation in your relationship, and I want to begin by acknowledging that it's completely natural to have concerns and frustrations about your partner's behavior. Let's break down the various aspects of your situation and explore possible ways forward.

Firstly, it's important to recognize that sexual compatibility and communication are key components of a healthy and fulfilling relationship. It's clear that you and your partner have a history of casual relationships and a shared interest in kink and fetish activities, which can be exciting and adventurous. However, it's concerning that the intensity and frequency of your sexual encounters have dwindled since the initial honeymoon phase. This is a common occurrence in many relationships, and there could be a variety of reasons behind it.

One possibility is that your partner might be experiencing a change in her sexual desires or preferences. People's interests and needs can evolve over time, and this can affect their sexual appetite. However, her engagement in fetish-related groups and explicit discussions about her past activities indicate that she still has a strong interest in these aspects of her sexuality.

The discrepancy between her past experiences and your current sex life is understandably causing you frustration. You have every right to desire a fulfilling and satisfying sexual connection within your relationship. It's important to communicate your feelings and concerns with your partner in a non-confrontational and understanding manner. Share your perspective, emphasizing that your aim is to strengthen your relationship, not criticize her.

During this conversation, try to avoid accusatory language and focus on your feelings and needs. For example, instead of saying, "You're not satisfying me sexually," you could express, "I've noticed a difference in our sexual frequency, and it's making me feel a bit disconnected from you. I'd like to understand what's going on and how we can improve our intimacy."

Furthermore, address the issue of her online presence and discussions about her past experiences. Explain how this has made you feel and express your concerns about the apparent incongruence between her online persona and your current sex life.

It's possible that your partner might not even be fully aware of the impact her online presence has on you or the discrepancy between her words and actions. Open and honest communication is crucial to resolving this.

In addition to discussing your concerns, consider suggesting solutions or compromises that can help bridge the gap between your desires and her comfort level. Exploring new sexual experiences together, attending couples' therapy, or seeking guidance from a sex therapist are all viable options.

Ultimately, the key to navigating this situation is fostering understanding and empathy between you and your partner. Relationships require effort, compromise, and a willingness to work through challenges together. By approaching the issue with care and patience, you can hopefully find a way to improve your sexual connection and strengthen your overall bond. Remember that it's okay to seek professional guidance if you both feel it could be beneficial. Your happiness and fulfillment in the relationship are worth the effort to address these concerns openly and honestly.

[Ella]

From what you've shared, it seems like there might be a mismatch in your sexual desires and preferences. It's not uncommon for people to have different levels of sexual appetite or varying interests in the bedroom. However, it's crucial to have open and honest communication about these issues to find a middle ground that satisfies both partners.

It's important to remember that sexual preferences and experiences from the past don't necessarily dictate what someone wants or enjoys in their current relationship. People can evolve and change over time, and it's possible that your partner's interests have shifted or she's looking for something different now.

The discovery of her involvement in fetish groups and explicit conversations might have been a shock to you, but it's essential to approach the situation with understanding and empathy. It's natural to have questions and concerns, and discussing these openly and non-judgmentally with your partner is crucial for finding a resolution. Try to create a safe space where both of you can express your feelings and desires without fear of judgment or criticism.

When discussing your sexual needs, focus on expressing how important intimacy is to you and the desire for a more fulfilling sex life. Avoid blaming or accusing language, as it can escalate conflicts and make it harder to find a resolution. Instead, use "I" statements to express your feelings and concerns. For example, say, "I feel sexually unfulfilled in our current state of our relationship, and I would like to explore ways to improve our intimacy together."

Consider suggesting activities or experiences that you'd like to explore as a couple. This could involve trying new things in the bedroom and constructive conversations about your sexual desires.

Ultimately, it's important to remember that a healthy relationship requires effort and compromise from both partners. If you find that your needs aren't being met and there's a persistent lack of communication and understanding, it might be worth considering whether this relationship is the right fit for you in the long run. It's essential to prioritize your own happiness and well-being.

I hope this advice provides some guidance as you navigate this challenging situation. Remember, open and honest communication is key, and seeking professional help can also be beneficial. Take care of yourself, and I wish you the best of luck in finding the resolution you're seeking.