Do Divorced Women Get More Dates?

[Ashley]

I am a 35 year old woman who is pretty, funny, and has a great career, and great family and friends.

My question is why is it that divorced women are such a HOT commodity as opposed to single, never married women like myself, when it comes to dating?

I ask because a friend of mine recently divorced earlier this year, and men are beating her door down.

All of her recent dates become sexual within the third date (way too fast for my taste) and the men do not take her to nice restaurants, but she is getting tons of attention.

On the other hand, she tells me that "no man is going to wait for you to be ready after a few months of dating, that's why they do not stick around."

The last man I date expected sex after our fourth date, but we had only known each other for 3 weeks.

I was not comfortable with that and expressed that I would like to get to know him better and he said good luck, and never called again.

She recently was taken to a fine dining restaurant by a man who she has been sleeping with and dating only on weeknights, last Thursday.

He usually just takes her to an out of the way bar but they almost always have sex. She sees the nice restaurant as a sign that he is getting more serious about her.

I see it as a ploy to ensure that she keeps giving up the goods.

What should I do? Should I just give in to these men, although I am uncomfortable with that? Thanks.

[Malvin]

To address your first question, I haven't personally seen a pattern of never-married women in their mid-30's "necessarily" getting fewer dates than their divorced counterparts.

While I can see the point that certain divorced men may find divorced women easier to relate to, being divorced certainly tends to involve "politics" (e.g. dealing with ex's, child custody battles, financial hardship, etc.) that a woman such as yourself would be unfettered by.

Men in your social milieu who have never been married themselves would no doubt be attracted to that, as would plenty of divorced men also who are ready for a "break" from drama rather than adding to it.

Now let us talk about the concept of comparing YOUR dating life to YOUR FRIEND'S dating life.

Ultimately, the type (and QUALITY) of the men you are attracting will ALWAYS be more important than the circumstances influencing the QUANTITY of men you are dating.

And apart from your previous marital histories, you simply must consider the differences between your dating STRATEGY and your friend's.

You have made it perfectly clear to men that you are not interested in casual sexual relationships. That is YOUR DECISION, as your friend's respective decisions in that regard are HERS.

Yes, there are plenty of men out there who are looking for a fling.

Amazingly, and perhaps ironically, many of those SAME men are ALSO wanting to meet ONE GREAT WOMAN at some time in the future, and are settling for quick flings here and there as they "enjoy the ride" along the way.

Nowadays, many women actually feel the same way.

And that is their prerogative... what is important is that YOUR choices as far as how you conduct YOUR dating life are reflections of WHAT YOU WANT.

From there, you should not ever feel compelled to compromise.

Sure, my guess is that if you decided to partake in some casual sexual excitement of your own, you might have more men hanging around...including the one who told you "no thanks" after you stood your ground after that fourth date.

And even as you feel just a bit envious of your friend because of her "popularity," bear in mind that she may not be on the road to meeting a man who will commit to her long-term.

Trips to nice restaurants are not an accurate indicator of whether a man is "serious" or not.

For example... some men might spend money on women because they expect something in return.

On the other hand, when a man IS serious about a woman he is generally all about spending time on weekends with her, not withstanding a schedule that causes him to work on weekends, etc.

Stand your ground if what you want is a man who will give you the kind of respect you deserve as a completely attractive woman on the inside and out, and who is as focused on finding a great long-term relationship as you are.

Those men REALLY, TRULY are out there...even if they are not exactly the same ones who are beating your friend's door down.

My final thought for you is this...

Is your friend making MORE of an EFFORT to meet men than you are?

This could be a major factor.

For example, if she is online and you are not, then it's no wonder she is meeting far more men than you.

Online dating is a BONANZA for women. And I will tell you what, being exactly 35 is about the perfect age for literally EVERY age group of men to be wildly interested in you...younger, older and in-between.

Does that surprise you?

If so, it is time to give online dating a try and see for yourself instead of taking my word for it!

Take heart, Michele. Stick to your guns regarding what you want, take an active role in meeting EXACTLY the kind of man you want, and YOU WILL be a very happy woman sooner than you think!

[Clay]

More Equality Than Ever

Today, there is more equality than ever between the sexes in the work place. Even many marriages have become more like a partnership, with both parties sharing the chores, child-rearing and bringing home the bacon. Unfortunately, the single world is lagging far behind. Dating is still an archaic mating ritual that has simply not caught up.


So if dating is still in the dark ages - what does that mean for women today? The fact is, there's a strong downside to women taking over the pursuit during the initial courtship. Okay, okay, let me explain.

A Man's Perspective
Here's a perfect example provided by my client Jim, who called to tell me he was "kind of seeing" someone. I asked what that meant and his answer fascinated me. Jim ran into a woman acquaintance he knew from business networking. One thing led to another and Carol suggested that she cook a nice dinner Friday night. Jim went to dinner and then was invited to a second home-cooked dinner as well.

Sounds great right? Not exactly. Jim explained that although the food and company were good, every candle in the place was burning and the romance was turned up a few notches too high. After dinner, Carol built a fire and they sat on the couch drinking wine.

Not a Real Date
Jim felt perplexed because his date handled everything and there was no way for him to contribute. When asked how he felt about the situation, he said he'd prefer to call, ask her out, and take her on a "real date." Yikes, in Jim's mind, these weren't even real dates!

What happened here? Let's dissect this situation to gain a better understanding of what went wrong. First, Carol took the lead when she asked Jim out. She probably wanted to lure him in through the age-old strategy, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach." But a home-cooked meal is more natural later in the dating process when the foundation for intimacy has been established and this is something that cannot be rushed.

Men Don't Like Being "Wooed"
Unfortunately, Carol's plan backfired, because most men don't respond well to being "wooed." Even those men who claim to like aggressive females and have dated women who asked them out, admitted they usually got a second date by turning the tables and asking her out. In other words - they decided seeing the woman was a good idea and took over the pursuit.

Carol was probably wondering what the heck happened. Can you imagine her saying, "We had such a nice time. I cooked a fabulous dinner and we talked for hours drinking wine in front of a roaring fire. It was so romantic and he didn't have to lift a finger! What more could he want?"

Curious and Flattered, But Not his Idea
Here's one answer - Jim wants it to be HIS idea. Men prefer the role of pursuer and this is eons of biological history to fight against. Even though Jim accepted Carol's invitations, he wasn't invested in her agenda. Was he curious and flattered? Sure, but that didn't create any intention on Jim's part to pursue her on his own volition.

Many women insist that some men are shy and need a little prodding. This is not true at all and even shy men know how to go after something or someone they want. Most men enjoy the chase and there's no chase if the woman does all the pursuing.

He's Not the One for You
So give men a chance to win you over. And ladies, if the man you're interested in doesn't ask you out, he's not the one for you. He might like flirting or enjoy banter, but he's not genuinely interested. Move on to find a man who'll step up to the plate and ask you out. When it's his idea, he's more invested. As a woman, that's what you want!

Find a Man Who Will Step Up to the Plate
Instead of taking charge, rely on your feminine charm. Sit back and allow a man to take the lead during the initial courtship. Observe what he does to please and win you over. That's how you can tell if he's interested and not just curious or flattered by your advances. Think of the start of a new relationship like dancing a waltz - the woman follows the man's lead to enjoy floating around the room together, hopefully without stepping on his toes.

[Ashley]

Thank you all for your answers.