Marriage help

[Vandel]

I have been with my wife for 20 years. We have 3 children together. Last month out of the blue she said she wants a divorce. She says that she loves me but that is just the time together not what she feels now. She spends all day texting and even talking about what is going on she keeps bringing up about another guy that she has been messaging for months. She hides any talk they do but says there is nothing going on. She has been very distant and while we are sitting next to each other she is always on her phone and her first and last thing every day is to message him.
she says that there might be changes and saving things but then any time its brought up then it's not going to. Can you guys help me with some advice?

[Becky]

Falling out of love is something that happens to people whether they've been married a year, two years or twenty-five years. We all change as we mature and if you and your wife aren't in sync with the changes you both make, one or both of you may begin to feel an emotional disconnection. Over time, if a couple doesn't address these changing feelings several things can happen. One is that one partner will venture outside of the marriage and begin an intimate affair with someone else. Another outcome when a couple fails to stay close is resentment may begin to build and verbal abuse becomes par for the course. Sadly, some couples just quietly let their marriage die until they either divorce or live their lives under the same roof but very disconnected from each other.

The fact that you're aware that your wife doesn't love you anymore is actually a positive thing. I know that sounds confusing, but if you sense that she's fallen out of love or she's told you, you know that you have issues that have to be dealt with. You're facing them instead of burying them beneath a happy demeanor with the hope that things will magically get better.

Talk to the woman you married. Obviously, you need to be cautious in the way you approach this subject. If you come out of the gate with your anger blazing, she's going to likely retreat into herself and she won't share with you what has caused her feelings to change so dramatically. The tone you set for the conversation is crucial. You must be compassionate and kind and explain that you understand that her feelings now may not mirror the feelings she had on your wedding day, but you want very much to gain insight into what's happened. Don't tell her at this point that you're intent on fixing things. She needs to first feel comfortable discussing what she is feeling.

Sometimes the discontent a woman feels in her marriage is actually more related to her life in general than her relationship with her husband. If you can encourage your wife to talk more about what is happening within her life that may help you piece together the puzzle of her changing feelings. Don't push her to share more than she's willing to at any given moment.

It's obviously incredibly important that you tell your wife how you feel as well. If you love her and feel deeply committed to making the marriage work, tell her. She may not know how you feel if you two aren't committed to spending time regularly sharing how you feel.

Becoming more emotionally connected with your wife, through discussion and even just spending more time together, can change the course of your marriage. There are times when one partner checks out of the relationship because they feel their spouse has given up. If you truly want the marriage to work, stay invested and show your wife that you are by being there for her and helping her in any way you can.

If you feel therapy would be beneficial, gently bring the subject up with your wife. Again, this is not something that you want to push her towards if she doesn't feel it would benefit her. You have to respect her needs and wants. By doing so you'll be showing her that you want to put her first which can help immensely when you're trying to rebuild a strained connection.

[David]

There are a few key points you need to consider when it comes to stopping your divorce and getting your wife to change her mind.

1. Don't follow your first instinct. Stopping your divorce doesn't have to be difficult, but you will make it harder on yourself if you try to convince your wife to stay before she's ready. So don't jump into immediately begging, pleading, or even trying to force her to stay with you. This will only push her further away.

2. Give your wife some space. If your situation is "My wife wants a divorce and I don't," she might have even told you she needed space and time to think about your marriage and whether she wants a separation. Give it to her. If you can spend a week or two apart, that will be even better. But if your situation calls for the two of you to remain living together, then try to give her as much emotional and physical distance as possible. This will show her that you are taking her seriously. It will also give her a glimpse of what life will be like without you.

3. Write your wife a letter. Keep it as short and to the point as possible. Again, don't resort to begging and pleading with her to try and change her mind about the divorce. Instead, agree with her. You don't have to agree with her about the divorce, but agree with how bad the situation has gotten. Try to really understand her side of the situation. This will go a long way towards changing her mind and helping her feel like you are really listening. It might even be enough to flip the cards in your favor so that she will consider working things out.