I’m trying to avoid divorce

[Bfifty2]

To put this in context I have some severe mental problems. Over the last month or so my depression was worse than ever (I’m hopefully going to be doing better soon due to a med change) but during that time I didn’t realize how bad the house had gotten and it got terrible. I also apparently didn’t show any love or affection to my husband and just stayed in bed. What made me realize what’s going on is my husband told me that he doesn’t know if he loves me anymore and told me it seemed that I was just “there but not” then told me I didn’t even take care of myself. Next he told me that he needed time to think and figure out what he wants. This was close to a week ago.

I’m doing better with the cleaning and what not. I’m starting to try to take better care of myself. And I’m doing my best to give him some time to work things out, I’m scared that it’s only going to make it so he thinks I don’t care but I’ve read a lot online and am giving him time.... well trying to.

We have talked about all of these issues the first night and we have just plain talked a few times since and he isn’t sure if he can be happy in this marriage again

To be honest I know this was a preventable situation but here I am. How do I make this situation right or at least better? Is there anything I can do while giving him space to let him know I DO love him? And how can I ever make this up to him?




A part of me is distraught and keeps saying that I ruined this marriage.... but till he hands me papers I’m going to try what I can to make it better.

[Sandra]

Sometimes distance and time can actually work to your advantage. It allows for tensions to abate and for insights to become possible. However, many people make some very common mistakes in this same situation. I will discuss what, in my experience, is the best way to handle this situation.

It's Always A Good Idea To Define Expectations And Boundaries During The Break: By now, you can probably read between the lines and deduct that I thought that the wife should go ahead and allow for the break to happen. The husband very clearly had decided that this was a good idea and wasn't likely going to change his mind. So, fighting with him about this wasn't going to do any good or to improve the situation.

I felt that the wife would put herself in the best position if she were to sit the husband down and tell him something like: "I've thought about our conversation regarding your needing a break from me and our marriage. It's clear to me that this is something that you feel like you need to do. I wish that things weren't the way that they are, but, at the end of the day, I just want for the both of us to be happy. If taking some time for yourself will help to make this happen, then I'm all for it. However, I'd like for us to talk about some of the specifics of what is going to happen. How often should we check in with one another? When might you be coming back? And, is there anything that I can do to help make this process more successful?"

One of the biggest pitfalls that I see in this situation is that the couple doesn't define what, exactly, is going to happen during this break. No one wants to ask the difficult questions, which is understandable, but not being very direct with your questions and expectations only make it more likely that you are not going to be happy with the outcome.

Making Sure That You're Perceived Positively Rather Than Negatively During The Break: Perceptions are so very vital right now. Because at this time, the husband isn't sure if he wants to remain committed the marriage. He's not sure if he's better off without the wife or if he's better off with her. That's why it's so important that the wife make every encounter and conversation count.

And, this can be much more difficult than it sounds. Because once he's actually the left the home, loneliness, fear, anxiety, and desperation can set in and your behavior can be influenced by these negative emotions. It can be so tempting and so easy to want to guilt or argue with your husband during this time. But, as best as you can, resist these temptations. You will be putting yourself in a much better position if you allow your husband to see the qualities that he most loves about you. If he loves your laid back attitude and your wicked sense of humor, then don't show him a bitter and clinging woman that makes him hesitate to check in.

And, it never hurts to make sure that you're not just sitting at home mourning this situation. Nothing is wrong with going out with your girlfriends or spending time with your family. Since it's so important that you can appear to be (and are perceived) positively right now, then it certainly makes sense to do whatever you need to do to ensure that you can put a genuine smile on your face. Take care of yourself, and do the things that support and strengthen you rather than weaken you so that when you do interact with your husband, you have no problems showing him the best version of yourself.

[David]

You Can Sometimes Make Your Husband Love You Again By Changing The Way That He Feels About Himself: I know that that phrase may sound a bit strange but please hear me out. Yes, when you are your husband met there was chemistry. Your personalities blended and there were things about you that he adored and vice verse. These things likely did not go away.

And consider this. When you first met and were "falling in love," part of the reason that this happened was because you made each other feel special, loved, unique, and understood. In short, he made you feel as though you were a better person. He saw something special in you. The same is true for him. You made him feel desirable, heard, blessed, and adored. This can make you feel as though you on top of the world, which is why "falling in love" is absolute bliss.

That's not to say that you don't or didn't have special qualities that matched up perfectly with his. You did. But a big part of what came out of this was the fact that the feelings between you made each person feel that much better about themselves. As a result, every one was on their best behavior because no one wanted to put a dent in what was happening. So, the good behavior, enhanced self esteem, and feeling special were all things that fed on themselves to continue the cycle.

But, after you have been married for a while, sometimes some part of life gets in the way of this cycle. And, as a result, the way that your husband feels about himself, his life, and the world around him might also change. As a result of all these things, he might perceive that his feelings about you have changed as well. But, what he hasn't yet realized is that a huge part of this is that his feelings about himself have very drastically changed (which is often a big part of the problem.) He likely no longer feels as though he is on top of the world. He may no longer feel adored or special.

Many husbands tell me that they now feel like "providers" rather than "lovers." They will often tell me things like: "I used to make my wife laugh like no one else. She used to listen to me for hours. Today, our conversations are about our house, our kids, and our jobs. Many of these things are related to chores and obligations, which doesn't invoke nearly as much laughter. I miss it, but I'm afraid it's gone for good."

I believe that the real key in making him love you again is making your actions and your behaviors once again influence how he feels about himself. In this way, his feelings then transfer back to how he feels about you. So how do you do this? You change your focus and your priorities until you see some meaningful improvements. You return to that light hearted, flirty, funny, happy go lucky girl who always had time to listen to him, laugh with him, and to show him how much he meant to you. Wives often tell me that this is going to feel awkward and they think that it might be too late for this. But at least commit to giving this a try. What is the worst thing that can happen? What husband is not going to enjoy more attention and efforts?

With these things said though, you want to be able to act in a genuine way. Insincerity is insulting and will usually fall flat. If you get to a a point where you fear that you're coming off as fake, back up just a little bit. This needs to be a gradual process anyway because you want for it to contribute to real and meaningful changes.

If You Don't Love Yourself (And Conduct Yourself With Confidence And Respect,) Getting Your Husband To Love You Again May Be More Difficult: You know the old saying "you can't give away what you don't have?" Well, that saying is very relevant when you are trying to restore your husband's love. The perceptions that you're giving off right now are so important. If you even allude to the fact that you don't think you're lovable or good enough for him, then he is most certainly going to pick up on this.

You must portray quiet confidence that you are the right woman for him and that he will eventually come to know this, even if that means taking a break or backing off for a while. I know that it can be so tempting to repeatedly ask for reassurance or to ask what you might need to do get him to love you again, but all of these things can diminish your worth in his eyes and might only make the problem worse. Right now, you really need to take care of yourself and set it up so that you can in good faith put a smile on your face. If you have to fake this at first (until you gain more confidence) then consider doing so.

You need to portray the best, most confident and alluring version of yourself while you are focusing on the other part of the plan. Yes, I know that your circumstances have changed and that you don't have the kind of free time that you used to have. But, I am fairly certain that your basic human needs have not changed. Always remember that husbands and wives really do want the same things. Everyone wants to feel loved. Everyone wants to feel heard and appreciated. And every one wants to feel special. If you can incorporate these basic needs into your actions, I strongly suspect you will see some drastic improvements.

The woman that he fell in love with hasn't gone anywhere. She was probably staring back at you in the mirror this morning. She may be discouraged. She may be tired. She may be hurting. But, she's still there. It's just time to dust her off, pick her up, and reintroduce her to your husband.

[bunnyhabit]

He stated three reasons in his irreconcilable difference announcement to you. It appears that you are working on the two lesser important points of his marriage dissolution speech.The "didn’t show any love or affection to my husband" is the most important failure in the world of marriage but you were silent about addressing this situation. No matter how well you clean your body or home will salvage your marriage in the absence of love and affection between you and him. This is primary reason he will proceed to divorce you. Marriage cannot exist without love or affection between the principals.