Going thru Separation

[Anemone121]

Hi- I'm new to this, and really devastated right now. I'm trying to be strong and cope with this the best I can, but my husband of 7yrs is left me and doesn't want to work on our marriage... I feel so lost and alone and was looking for some support. I'm hoping I can change the outcome of this and we can get back together. We did once before, I'm just so scared of my future now. He left me about a 1 yr ago and during that time told me to move on, we were still married- I had no idea if he would come back. During that time i had a really hard time coping with the loss and i regret forming an emotional friendship with a guy. My husband came back into my life after 3 months and we went on dates with each other and he moved back in. My heart during this time was really confused, the guy who i had formed the friendship with i was still in contact with, i found the bond was harder break than i thought, since we both had been going thru similar circumstance. Needless to say my husband found an msg thread, (the guy wanted more) and it was some intimate msg in which the guy said he loved me ect. My husband was in shock and devastated, I lashed out and said if you hadn't left I wouldn't have been on this path, but I ended all contact with that person that day, I never planned on being with this person. I realized my heart had been in two places which is never healthy, I let my husband back to soon and didn't properly heal. Fast forward, to today and we've been together since the incident for about a year, things were ok, but i don't know if he ever recovered or was trying to distance himself from me. I do know that he wasn't exactly faithful during his 3 months of leaving me, as he mentioned somethings when he was drinking. I know both our actions led us on this horrible path, but I do know that we can work thru this.... He's my best friend in life and I've helped him with his buisness that he started. He said he can't move past this since i blame him for it happening, which honestly I don't but I just don't know how to fix this. i don't even know if this is the real reason he left as the issue has only surfaced a few times since it happened. We have had nice times since over the span of a year, I just don't know why he's throwing this in my face now and choosing to leave me, he left me prior saying that the spark was gone and now because he feels different emotionally....He says he still cares about me a lot, but does not want to be a married to me... He came and picked up some of his things yesterday, i tried to remain strong, but i could tell both of us were hurting really bad inside. I feel like he still has feelings for me, but wants his freedom. He expressed interest in having me still work for his company, but i won't and he realized probably not good idea. I've decided to do No Contact for 30 days and see if time will heal all the negative surrounding us. He's currently living with a guy friend in one of his bedrooms. He only picked up half his stuff and said he'd have to set up arrangements to get the rest later this week. I can't bare this... any advice would be helpful

[Elliot]

Staying Positive During This Process, During Any Break, Or When Your Husband Demands His Freedom: I completely understood the wife's panic, anger, and sadness in this situation. The whole thing felt like one huge rejection at a time when she needed her husband's support the most. She was struggling too, but you didn't see her walking away. The thing is, there's a real risk with giving in to negative emotions like fear, resentment, and doubt which typically only makes things worse.

Sometimes, as hard as it is, the best thing that you can do is to try to take care of yourself and remain positive. As easy as it would be for the wife to lash out at the husband, this would get her further away from what she wanted. But if she agreed that some time and space might help them both and improve the situation, she would put herself in a much better situation should the husband realize his selfishness and change his mind.

Because, things were still extremely early in this process. There was no need to panic and make things worse. If handled correctly, this may have been a wake up call to try to manage the stress of the situation and the lighten the load of both the wife and her husband. In truth, they could both be a great deal of support to one another if the situation was able to turn around. But, that wasn't as likely to happen if the wife drew upon negative emotions.

In situations as this one, it's so important to care for yourself and to try to appear as positive as you possibly can. Giving the husband (and herself) some space and taking a step back could well turn out to be a good move. And, it appeared the break was going to happen anyway. She may as well have put herself in a favorable light in the mean time. Sometimes, this makes all the difference. And this situation can sometimes bring your attention to the things that most need to change. This can sometimes be a good thing because it can bring above improvements that can transform your marriage.

[Becky]

Don't Assume That Your Marriage Is Over: I can't tell you how common it is for people to assume that the beginning of a separation means the end of their marriage. Of course, they hope that this isn't true. But deep in their hearts, they fear that it is.

While this is understandable, it's very important that you don't allow any doubts that you have to cloud your judgement and to affect your actions. Yes, I know that this is scary. But very often, if you fear a thing so much that you place every thought or action in alignment with it, you almost make the thing you fear the most more likely.

Not all couples that separate end up divorcing. Many do not. Some not only save their marriages, they also make their marriages even better. And, even better news than this is that your actions, behaviors, and strategies can have an impact on what happens now. It isn't as if you don't have any control over the outcome. You do. So be careful that you don't give up before you've even had the chance to fight. I know first hand that this is a scary time, but try your best to think positively, knowing that this will give you the best chance of success and will make this easier to endure.

Try To Agree On The Particulars Before Anyone Moves Out: I know that it can be painful and awkward to talk about how often you will meet or check into one another beforehand. But this is almost always going to be the best call. One of the biggest issues of conflict once the separation has started is not meeting expectations. Often, one person will assume something while the other assumes another. When expectations or hopes aren't met, people get hurt feelings or they assume the worst. This can all be avoided if you outline what will happen before someone moves out and before misunderstandings can begin. Try to agree on as much as you can so that you both know what to expect

Outline What You'll Do To Improve The Situation. Vow To Be Proactive Rather Than Reactive: Many people just blindly hope that the time and distance works for them. In other words, they brace themselves and they hope for the best. I'm not going to tell you that this is an impossible strategy. Often, a separation does show both people that they have taken one another for granted and they often miss one another so much that they are motivated to get along much better.

But, the problem with this is that even though the motivation level goes up, sometimes nothing has been done to work through the issues that lead up to the separation to begin with. So, although that issue may not resurface in the reconciliation phase, it lays in wait until your relationship is under stress again. This brings about doubt and insecurity that can lead to more problems.

In short, if you can vow to work through your problems (and this can happen after the separation is over if this is easier for you,) then you will have much more confidence in your marriage. And, as a result, you will have a much less chance of this happening again.

Don't Do Things You Will Later Regret. Remember That You Are Still Married: Sometimes when there is a lot of doubt as to what is going to happen with the future of your marriage, it can begin to feel like what you do today isn't going to matter anyway. One of the biggest things that prevents a reconciliation is when one or both of the spouses engage in behavior during the separation that ends up jeopardizing their marriage. People will often act in such a way that they never would have considered when they weren't separated. And in a sense this is understandable because you are vulnerable and under a great deal of stress. Therefore, it can feel quite good to let off some steam. Or, it can be tempting to go out for drinks with that cute coworker because it would boost your self esteem at a time when it is desperately needed.

However, I strongly feel that you should resist these temptations. You are still married and I can't tell you how often I see marriages end because one or both spouses began dating others during the separation. Don't do anything that would jeopardize your marriage and know that your spouse may find out things that you were sure would remain a secret.

Know That Building Yourself Up And Conducting Yourself With Dignity Is Only Going To Help Your Marriage In The Long Run: People often resist doing self work when they are separated. Understandably, all of their focus is on their spouse, on their marriage, and on what is wrong. But frankly, there is probably never a better time to work on yourself. First of all, you probably have more time to spare right now. Second, it will often make you feel productive and will provide some relief. Third, it will likely make you appear more attractive to your husband. I know that it's easy to just sit at home and get down about your situation, but doing so doesn't bring your husband closer to you. But, if he sees you making the best of things because you love and respect yourself enough to do that, then he is going to follow suit. You valuing yourself enough to do this makes you appear more valuable to others. And heightening your perceived value can be vital right now.