Double Standards and Dysfunctional relationship

[Double-standard-JL]

It has been a while since I have been coping with a dysfunctional relationship. Despite the up and downs, my partner and I still chose to marry. Why did we make such big decision despite many issues? To be short, we both said to each other that we want to make it right, no matter the challenges, no matter the hardship that come to us. Because deep down, we truly do love each other.

Despite saying such words to each other, I realised more and more that my partner is simply not ready to make the emotional move on his side in terms of resolving causing dysfunctionality in our couple life.

When I make a mistake, he would hammer it on me for days and weeks on. Expressing his hurt feelings in and out. Seeking for acknowledgement from my side, which I learned doing in order to help with his healing.

But whenever he says something insensitive or do something that upsets me, he would always deny it and blame on my failure of understanding of his explanations, saying I should not feel the way I feel, that I have a peoblem in my brain chemistry, genetics and so on, blaming all on who I am, instead of acknowledgjng that he indeed hurt me through certain words he said. He also expects and rushes me to recover from the upsetting event quick, on the basis that he did not mean what he said and many other reasons/explanations.

I feel like my feelings are completely denied.

There are times where he acknowledge my feelings of sourness, sadness, anger, but ONLY IF I say he is not the cause nor the source of it.
But whenever, he is indeed the cause of my upsetting hurt feelings, he completely rejects them, while still expecting me to acknowledge his upsetting feelings whenever I am the cause of his hurt feelings.

He is unaware of it and I have tried many times to speak to him about this matter. But each time, I get replies such as "you have an abnormal brain chemistry. Don't make it about me. It's all because of you. Etc."

I cook for both of us all the time. He maybe cooked once or three times maximum aince we met. But that one time can make him say things such as "what do you mean by I don't do my part? I cooked 10 times. He would ask say "let's handle each our own thing. I don't have to cook if I don't want to. I make my own food you make yours." However, he would not hesitate to ask me to cook for him as a favour. But if I ask him to the same favour, he would use the excuse of being tired or reverting back to "to each our own cooking".
And if by some lucky event, he did do me that once every blue moon favour, he would inflate it and ask me something else in exchange, saying "but I just want it to be an exchange of love, and see you do something nice to me, is it wrong?"

Do you see the double standar here?

This is only one example out of many. And I cannot find the right way, to make him realise that he is being unreasonable and uncooperative. And please mind that, these conversations happened when we were both fine. And not fighting nor argueing.

He seems to feel entitled to put all his part of responsibility on my "defectuous brain chemistry" and mood swings.

Even now, though I acknowledge that I am a hot tempered person and used to have severe mood swings in the past, leading to some major fights... He is still denying his part of responsibilities, saying that he is making a huge effort already, by even just moving to my home country which he dislikes.

But being a practical person, I have to say, he is not paying a dime in terms of living. He has a goal which I said once will support, and it has been agreed that I would be the one supporting the family until he succeeds. Even though it was agreed, it shouldn't give him the right to say, that my efforts are nothing. But this is what he does. "You are only spending a few hundreds on food thats it. It's like nothing."
Without realising that, I am also providing a roof and paying the bills to keep our lives running. He would say and have this attitude often, " you promised and agreed you'd support us. What you are doing is not an effort. But I made a huge sacrifice coming to this place, so you should be nice to me."

Words along those lines...

Now please don't misinterprete my words.
I know him long enough that he is not doing all this on purpose of harm. He is mostly unconscious of such behaviours of his and also has a massive male ego that refrains him to listen to anyone. He says he does. But he is actualy unconscious of his state.

Would someone be able to advise what is the best way to deal with my situation?

Thank you in advance

[Double-standard-JL]

Additional information***


It seems like alot of issues revolves around cooking.... But I have no better example than those to describe how flawed and irresponsible I find my partner's attitude could be at times... By saying so, I do not try to deny my own part of responsibilities. But his denial has been weighting on me for quite while now...


This is an event that happened a few hours ago. Like I said previously, it has been agreed between me and him and I would cook at least once a day for the both of us, as I normally only eat one time a day. While he eats more, he would cook for himself for the rest of his meals. We have agreed upon such arrangement as I felt unfair that my life had to revolved around cooking 3 times a day for my husband who stays home everyday, while I myself only needed one meal.

Here is what he said to me tonight.
In a very subtle way, and in a way he probably is not aware even himself, he told me "ah you are not like before... Before you used to cook me three meals a day... Now i am hungry and I cant cook. I am starving. But you won't even cook for me."

(Mind that in normal times, should that be any other man, I would have replied, "Then learn to cook for yourself or starve.")

He probably is not aware that this is indirectly a form of emotional pressure. In the past, I would have probably yielded and fulfil his request at the cost of my own time and well being. Becoming sour as a result of having to tend to a grown up man, who should at least be able to take care of himself.

When he admitted in the past that it was unfair for me to cook 3 times a day while i only eat once myself, I thought he truly cared for me and meant it. But suddenly he changes his words, just because it arranged him at that point and he wanted to get the real thing which is "me cooking for him and satisfying his empty stomach" with little regards as to how the other may feel.

Tonight, I did not yield to his pressure and I did well, as my body truly needed rest and I don't want to encourage his way of thinking which is "I can say and do whatever I want, as long as I get what i want". I needed to lye down as my back hurts. So I replied: "Look, we agreed before, that I would cook 1 time a day. And if you need more food, you cook for yourself.
To which he replied: "oh i never meant what i said. About the you cooking one time a day."
Meaning in a sense, he didn't cared back then whether it was weighting too much on me or not...

One thing I observed, and which frustrates me, is that he always changes and adapt his words as well as facts so that he can get what he wants. He is after the real thing and he knows how to get it. He is a very practical person as he once claimed himself to be. And such way of doing has zero regards as to how frustrating it may be for his partner.

I once confronted him about this frustration. But as usual, when it came down to himself, he would always justify by saying this is how he is, and people have to adapt to him. It is not his problem that people feel frustrated by it. Its the problem of the people themselves. In this case, me.
In other words, it is my problem if the unreliability of his words and actions frustrates me.

Again here I need to mention about double standard. How everyone should be responsible towards how he feels, while he is Never responsible toaards how others feel...

(Note that he also have the habits to offer a lot of words of advices and guidances, as well as alot of sweet conforting words, but when it comes down to actually moving his finger for real, he would only do so when he feels he cannot avoid it anymore. In a sense, if someone needs help, he would putting as much responsibility onto others, let them deal first, and if they really are reaching limit, that is when he reluctantly give a hand. But when he needs assistance himself, he would not hesitate to make everyone "work" for him with little regards towards other people's priority, life, schedules etc.)

Please share with me your opinions on the best way to communicate with such partner about those issues as he is completely shut to listening.


Notes:

At his age, many learned survival basics as to how to make simple food for self. But he has always used the excuse of "he is different from many others, and thus has no need no use to learn such life tricks."

But here is the hic you see? If he really choose not to learn and decided that he is above all this, the least he could do is not depend on another person, me, to feed himself.
But he does.
And his favourite excuse/ reason/ leverage is "I move to a far away country for you so you have to be nice to me".

With such unconscious person with huge male ego... How could I make him understand his insensitivity and insensible behaviours?

[Richard]

I have been laughing while reading your story. I'm still full of laughter while replying you.

All you have said is a common attitude among men. I'm a man and I act in similar way most times. So, I will suggest you just learn to take him for who he's because that's the only way you can be together. The fact is that, if you leave him for another man, you'll still see most of these trait in the man.

[Double-standard-JL]

I do believe this is a common attitude among many men. But he hates when I say so. It's very contradicting because on one hand, he likes to be considered as different from people out there, he hates when I speak about "stereotype" and generalize, but on the other hand, this type of attitude of his IS a kind of generic behaviour expected among many of our male counterparts, whether he wants it or not.

[David]

Your write-up is quite long, it too me time to read all through it. While reading this, I have to call my wife to read it as well. The reason being that, I'm guilty of this as well.

The problem you are having with your husband is that he isn't appreciative. If only he can appreciate most of the things you do, you wouldn't mind doing more.

So, you most figure out a way to make him appreciate whatever you do. The best way to achieve this is to always remind him to appreciate you whenever you do anything. In other words, always request for an appreciation whenever you do something that you think he should appreciate you for.

[Double-standard-JL]

I am very touched by your message, David.
You mentioned about him feeling more appreciation. He does express his appreciation in a verbal manner. A lot. A lot. Still, it remains a lot of words nevertheless....
I do feel happy hearing them. But when I wake up the next day, the dishes are stil pilled up in the sink... The floor is still dirty and dusty... I know that I will have to clear some of the dishes from 3 days ago myself if I want to use the station for cooking...
I used to be extremely short tempered and kept pushing him to clear the dishes as soon as we finish eating, if he doesn't cook. But he told me not to force him, and used an unrelated examples to make me feel bad, saying "what if I nag you every day about things you do that annoys me? You sometimes do things that really annoy me too. But i don't bug you."

Still, there hasn't been a single day where I skipped and don't do any house chores. Be it picking up the wraps and tissues thrown around the house, cooking, or wiping visible surfaces while he has been switching between his work, bed, toilet, food, movies.

Every once in a while he does some chores and I have to listen to him brag about it 5 times... Although it has been improving slightly these days. I am speaking about the bragging... Not about the regularity...

[Vivian]

It's quite possible that your spouse is just a negatively-oriented person about most things--work, the marriage, other people, the future, and life in general. Perhaps as time goes by, your spouse is becoming even more negative, critical, and complaining.

When I first talked to "Leigh" (not her real name), she was ready to leave her marriage because of her husband's constant negativity. "Al" was a master at finding fault with Leigh's decisions and suggestions. He had a sharp wit and could deliver zingers without batting an eye.

If Leigh suggested a picnic, Al responded with complaints about the perils of fire ants, killer bees, and sudden thunderstorms. Whenever she made a suggestion, Al would discourse on what was wrong with the idea and why it wouldn't work.

If he did agree to go along with one of Leigh's ideas or suggestions, he always expected the worse or talked about the negative aspects. In addition, Al was very critical.

The restaurant they tried was "too expensive," the dinner conversation with friends was "too boring," the movie was "too long," the weekend camping trip was "too much work," a gift from a family member was "stingy," and the people at the church they visited were "hypocrites." His boss is "an idiot," his job "sucks," and his life is "the pits."

Since a negative attitude is highly contagious, it was challenging for Leigh to be around Al and not lose her normally positive orientation. She often felt drained and deflated in spirit after her interactions with Al. When she realized that he was becoming more negative the older he got and that she was starting to resent his attitude, she consulted with me.

Eight Steps to Overcome Negativity

If you're in the same situation--married to a spouse with a negative attitude--I would give you the same recommendations that I gave Leigh. Here's what you can do:

1. Deliberately cultivate friendships with other individuals and couples who have positive attitudes and who are fun to be around. Try to expand you and your spouse's circle of friends to include couples who would be good role models for your mate and spend time with those couples.

Cut back on spending time with friends who encourage your spouse's negative comments and attitude and slowly over time try to add individuals and couples who are strong positive influences.

2. Be sure that you have friends, activities, hobbies, and interests in your life that "feed your soul" and help you stay on a positive track. If things in your marriage aren't what you wish they were, then you need to find satisfaction and joy in other areas to keep you centered and balanced emotionally.

Listen to inspiring songs and read inspirational books. "Feed" yourself a diet of positive messages that encourage and motivate you.

3. Monitor your moods to be sure that you're not getting tangled up in what are commonly called "co-dependency" issues. That's when you let your mood be determined and set by someone else.

An example would be if you were depressed all day because your spouse was in a bad mood at breakfast. Just because he's in a funk doesn't mean that you can't have an enjoyable day. You don't have to let your mate's mood determine your mood or spoil your day.

Don't give away your personal power. Take responsibility for creating your own happiness instead of being so influenced by your spouse's negative attitude.

4. Keep a gratitude journal where you list what you're thankful for each day. Form the habit of sharing with your spouse things that you're thankful for. At dinner, for example, you might talk about how helpful the clerk at the grocery store was or tell about the favor a co-worker did for you that you appreciate.

If you're thankful for seeing a beautiful bird or a lovely flowering tree, share your feelings. If you feel blessed by the kindness of a friend, share that. Even if what you say doesn't impact your mate, you need to hear yourself expressing gratitude and appreciation for the gifts that you've been given. This helps you to keep focused on what's right with your life instead of what's wrong with it.

5. Try not to judge your spouse or make him or her "wrong" for being so negative. There are many factors that can influence a person's attitudes: the attitudes they learned from their parents, their experiences growing up, low self-esteem, intense stress, clinical depression, a habit of negative self-talk, life disappointments and discouragement, and lack of hope.

Sometimes individuals who are negative think they are being "realistic" or helpful by "calling a spade a spade." Others may think they are witty for delivering clever "zingers" and criticisms.

6. Schedule a time to talk to your partner about your concerns. Without sounding judgmental or "preachy," give some specific examples of how her (or his) negativity has impacted you significantly. Perhaps your spouse is not even aware of just how negative he has become, or perhaps he is feeling depressed and needs to talk to his doctor or a counselor.

If your spouse reacts in anger, stay calm and non-defensive. State that you'd rather share your feelings now than have them fester underground and cause even more problems later.

7. If nothing changes after your talk with your spouse, write him (or her) a letter outlining your feelings and concerns about your reactions to his negative attitude. State that you want to look forward to your interactions and time with him, but you're afraid the constant negativity will eventually affect your feelings.

In the letter, tell your spouse how much you value him and your marriage and that you love him deeply. Ask your mate to go to marriage counseling with you so that your marriage will stay strong and satisfying for both of you.

8. If your spouse is not willing to address the problem by talking with you or going to counseling, then make an appointment to see a counselor by yourself. You'll need support and help in determining just what the next step needs to be--trying again to communicate verbally or in writing, or trying to adjust and live with things as they are, or in an extreme case, considering a temporary marital separation.

You'll need a deep commitment to staying positive and upbeat to be able to withstand the strong negativity in your marriage relationship. The encouraging news, however, is that according to Robert H. Schuller, "It takes but one positive thought when given a chance to survive and thrive to overpower an entire army of negative thoughts."

[Double-standard-JL]

Thank you for your advices Vivian.

I have to admit that I used to be someone relatively negative myself. Always looking at the cons more than the pros out of worries of failure.

But my partner too displays many negativities, which he does not consider as such or is unaware of.

He speaks well and has always be a good talker. But he also nutures alot of anger against many little things. One morning we got woken up quite early by someone knocking on our door by accident several times consecutively. Later on, when he was fully awake, his reaction was so extreme when he recalled the event. Too extreme for something so insignificant in my opinion.

He does have alot of anger in him which he denies and calls "ambition".
I don't know which one it is to be honest...

As for being surrounded by positive people, he has always been quite of a lone wolf and has clearly told me that he would like to not be disturbed as much as possible. If he could stay alone, that would be his ideal. Not mentioning that he tends to avoid people who do not share the like-mindness as him. It's quite a challenge to drag him out...

I have ran out of ideas...

He claims himself to be really good at self-reflexion. But from what I see, there is still much to which he has yet to come to realization.

I am not very eloquent when I speak to someone in person.... I have no idea how I could communicate my concerns in a clear non-aggressive manner. And ensure that the message has gone accross....

[Double-standard-JL]

One thing I did realise about him, is that his ego is so huge, that when he is being corned to admit something, his immediatly switch the topic by making the other person the centre of issue instead of admitting his fault. I believe he learned that from me. I used to do this alot in the past, not anymore. I have learned that it is more productive to admit ones shortcomings and improve from it than denying it. But somehow, he has fallen into my old pattern and his ego makes him refuse to admit it.