Husband not attracted to me anymore?I'm unhappy and feeling emotionally unfulfilled.

[justemma]

I don't even know where to start. This will be long, so please bear with me (and I'm sorry in advance, lol).

My 15 year wedding anniversary is next month, and I'm not feeling fulfilled either emotionally or physically in my marriage. Things were always kind of "off" with us sexually. I got pregnant shortly before we got married, and from the time I started showing, my husband refused to touch me. He said it freaked him out, yada yada. Come to find out, he was watching porn and taking care of himself. Many heart to heart talks and tears (on my part) later, we seemed to have worked it out. Things were "okay" until I quit my job and became a stay at home mom 8ish years ago (he got back into the work force after being a stay at home dad for several years).

Having three kids, him working full time and being physically tired and me being a SAHM (which is both physically and emotionally draining as any other stay at home parents out there know!) kind of got us back into a rut. Very infrequent sex, no intimacy, etc.

So fast forward to about 8-9 months ago. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and finally went to the doctor. Long story short, I had some issue (hypothyroidism, pretty severe anemia, and some hormonal imbalances). Got all that taken care of and started feeling much better and my libido returned (Hallelujah!!) So in May, we sat down and again had many heart to heart talks and figured out a way to try to spice things up in the bedroom. Things were going pretty good for about a month, and then I had my scheduled hysterectomy. Ever since I got the all clear at my 8 week post-op appointment, we're back to being in a rut, sort of.

A little background info. that may or may not shed light on the situation. About the time I was getting my medical issues diagnosed and taken care of, my husband went on a ketogenic diet. He has done *wonderfully* on it. He's lost 40 lb. has regained a TON of energy, and is just generally feeling a lot better. He's also taken up mountain biking and running. Meanwhile I'm stuck here with my stupid thyroid and iron issues, and I can't lose weight to save my life. I should also mention that I had gastric bypass surgery many years ago (before we met) and so there's no logical reason why I shouldn't be able to lose weight. But, I'm not and I can't seem to. So this throws a wrench into the works because I'm ***SUPREMELY*** uncomfortable being naked around him. I never was especially comfortable with it--I've always had a poor self image, even before my weight loss surgery. Now that he's thin and fit, I feel even more uncomfortable around him.

As for the physical and emotional aspect of it, my husband has never been a touchy/feely person. We'll hold hands in public or whatever, but that's about the extent of it. Anything beyond that just won't happen. For example, we went out to dinner this past sunday for our first "date night" since I can remember, and at one point I slipped off my shoe and ran my toes up the inside of his calf, to his knee. That's it. AND we were in a pretty un-busy restaurant in a private booth. The way he reacted, you would have thought I had stripped naked and was dancing on the table. He physically pulled his leg away from my foot, pushed my foot away, scowled at me, and said, "What's wrong with you??" I wanted to cry.

I should also add that earlier that morning I initiated sex and it was going okay for a while, but he couldn't finish. This is rarely a problem, but it happens occasionally. (Happened moreso before he lost weight). When I realized it just wasn't going to happen, I apologized profusely and asked what I could do. He joked and said, "Nothing. There's always later today or tomorrow. You wore me out!" (in a joking/laughing manner, even though I definitely pulled my weight and did a lot of the work). So then he gets dressed and goes for a 30 mile bike ride.

Back to our dinner that evening. On the way home, we're driving and I mentioned something I'd done that morning in bed, and asked if he enjoyed it or noticed a difference or anything, and again he got offended and said, "Why do you ask me stuff like this? You know I don't like talking about it." Again, I wanted to cry. Is this wrong??? My husband has never been one to enjoys being touched. He'll let me rub his shoulders (old injury from when he was a kid, so his muscles get stiff) forever, but if we're just sitting on the sofa, or even lying in bed, I love his arms and his chest, so it's comforting for me to want to stroke them. Not necessarily in a sexual manner, but he's my husband and I love him, and he has nice hairy arms and a chest, so it's comforting for me, lol He'll jerk away and say "Please stop. That's annoying."

He also is extremely quiet during sex. (He's been like that since I met him, so I can't really complain I suppose). If I didn't know better, I'd swear he was either sleeping or dead. I swear. He makes NO noise. Not even a little moan or grunt, or "oh that feels good." The only time he talks to me EVER during sex is if I'm doing something he's not enjoying, he's quick to ask me to stop.

I just feel empty. Am I crazy? Is something up? I have zero (seriously, zero) suspicion that he's cheating on me. I don't think he has it in him, and I don't think he ever would. I'm just sitting here crying wondering if it's me, what Ive done wrong, and honestly, as much as it sickens me to say it, thinking about straying to find a man who will give me the emotional support and tenderness I'm craving, and that I need.

Any advice? I don't know if counseling would work at all. I can certainly go, and I'm completely open to it, but unless my husband goes with me, he won't listen to anything I have to say. He would have to hear it from the counselor's mouth and even then, may or may not heed whatever advice he/she gives. And if he didn't go, it would be because he's too busy, we can't afford the co-pay, etc.

I don't know what to do.

[Anthonia]

Once you've been married for some time, the physical attraction is still a factor in the marriage, but the connection runs much deeper than that. Many women make an assumption about their husbands, and you may be guilty of it. If you jump to the conclusion that your husband is not attracted to you anymore because of how you look and not how you act, you may be missing the bigger picture.

You need to bear in mind that many things contribute to attraction. If you've given up looking nice in favor of wearing sweats, throwing your hair into a ponytail and foregoing make up that may play a part in how your husband sees you. Something as simple as taking care of those small details can make a world of difference. It's not just about how he sees you but it's also about how you see yourself. If he sees you letting your appearance go he'll begin to wonder if you value yourself as much and that can change how much he values you.

In addition, if he comes home and finds you frustrated or annoyed with things, that's going to impact how he feels about you too. Personality really plays a large part in attraction and it's difficult to feel close to someone who is negative much of the time. Find ways to de-stress your life so you can find happiness within yourself. If you are a positive person, you're going to much more attractive to everyone, including your husband.

[Scot]

Calm And Rational Should Be Your Goal: As hard as it may be to even consider acting calmly and rationally right now, this should be your goal, at least when you interact with your husband. It's fine to lose control or act out or break down in front of trusted friends or when you are in private. But, you must realize that right now, every interaction and impression that you make on your husband is vitally important. Because at least in his mind, things are badly off of track. At the heart of that is the fact that he's reading things very negatively right now. So, you don't want to give him yet more negative things with which to fuel the fire and to help him justify his feelings (or lack of them) and actions.

I truly understand how tempting it can be to break down, crumble, beg for and demand answers, or try to use guilt or ultimatums. I've made these mistakes too. But, in the end, they only backfired and made much more work for me, giving me much more ground to make up. Because every time you participate in negative behaviors, you allow your husband to move just a little further away. You don't want this. So, let's take a look at what is attractive to a husband and what isn't.

Men generally find the same things attractive that we do. They like confidence, competence, and dignity and self respect. They are not at all attracted to weakness, subservience, and game playing. And, you have an advantage whether you believe it or not. You already know what your husband finds attractive and contributes to him falling in love.

Many women will stop me here and remind me that they're not so young or sexy anymore. This really isn't the point. I get so many emails from husbands who tell me how much they miss their wives' enthusiasm, attention, and effort. It really isn't how you look. It's how you are able to make him feel (often about himself.) A man will chose a woman who knows him like the back of her hand (but loves him anyway), who always has a smile for him, and who makes the time to show him she values him over a knock out with a cold heart every time. It's so important that you understand this and don't throw in the towel before you've even really started.

I also have women tell me things like "I know that this no longer loving me business is just meant to get a rise out of me or bluff me, so I'm not going to give him the satisfaction of playing these games." Maybe. But, you have to look at it this way. No matter what your husband's intentions are, he's attempting to give you a wake up call, whether he realizes it or not. He's throwing you a life raft, whether it feels like it right now or not. He's still sharing his feelings with you and attempting to communicate, which is a good sign. What you do with this wake up call is up to you.

Your Next Step After Your Husband Has Told You That He Doesn't Love You Anymore: Most women will ask me things like "how do I react to this? What is there to say?" Well, first off, as I said before, always think before you act. It's so easy to fly off at the handle and react badly. This will even sometimes feel like the right thing to do, but it almost always isn't. Always remember the real goal - to turn the negative feelings back into positive ones. In truth, it's highly unlikely that your husband no longer loves you. You can't turn love off and on like a light switch. In actuality, what he's probably experiencing is a loss of connection and intimacy.

The first step in getting this back is to keep communication and interactions open. You aren't going to be able to do this if you react badly. So, it's important that you calmly receive the message, let him know that you heard it, respect it - and most importantly - validate it. If you tell your husband that he's mistaken or wrong, you're only going to place yourself on opposite sides, which is the polar opposite of what you want to do right now.

Instead, agree that you too feel the distance and it hurts you because you know that the two of you have the capability to connect very well. Agree that you both deserve happiness and a marriage that contributes to this. Vow that you are there for him as he works through this and agree that you will give him the time and space he needs without contributing negativity to the process.

Often at this point wives will say something like "what? you're telling me to just let him off the hook or to give in?" No, I'm not. What you're really doing is conducting yourself with dignity and respect to ensure that you appear positively rather than negatively. This is the first step toward rebuilding the intimacy. And, you won't be able to do this if you take a combative stance. In short, you'll be taking baby steps toward your husband - not further away from him.