Hi,
I'm new here and not sure how this works, but I felt that I needed somewhere to post my story that was neutral to my situation. I don't feel like I can continually talk about it with friends and family, and I am also interested in what others would do if they were in my place.
back story
I'm male, 38 and until very recently was in a relationship of 10 years, of which we were married for 18 months. 4 months prior to our wedding my wife admitted to having an emotional affair and that she had doubts about getting married. She started counselling and broke contact (She said) with the other guy, we agreed to work together to repair our relationship and she assured me that getting married was what she wanted. Roll forward 18 months with things seeming like we were in a good place, I find out that she is still in contact with the same guy, that she loves him and that she hadn't left because she was a coward/she doesn't know what she wants/only loves me as a brother/we drifted apart et al.
We have been separated for a month now, she says that it is permanent and that she can't see any circumstances in which we would reconcile. But she wants to remain friends. She is currently staying with a friend but we negotiate access to our house and pets, usually involving times when I am out.
I am struggling to adapt. I'm not saying that I am perfect, blameless or not without faults or problems, but I went into our marriage accepting that we would have tough times but wanted it to be forever and wasn't afraid to work on things together. I thought she wanted the same. We have a home and pets, and had been talking about having a family together prior to the wedding planning.
I have to accept that it is over, and I know that if I stand any chance of regaining my individual/single identity I need to break all contact with her. I can't be friends, I'm all in or nothing as far as our relationship is concerned, I can't compartmentalise it in the way she wants. I am struggling with the emotional ups and downs, but I know that this is normal. It's the practical things that are making healing unnecessarily harder than it could be and suck me into a difficult spiral.
There are several practical issues that are making me feel stuck. We are both financially tied to our house for at least another 15 months due to penalties if we exit our mortgage early, which neither of us can afford to do. We have our beloved pets that we both love but ultimately we will have to accept that one of us will have to care for them our own, with the other losing out. In addition to this, I moved away from my friends and family to live with my wife. I started a new job locally, and while I feel socially isolated I love my job so the house works OK for me in this respect.
Emotionally I am broken, I didn't want any of this, how do I find the strength to move forward? When I do take a breath and try to be positive I feel selfish or conflicted, then the self doubt kicks in and I'm back to feeling overwhelmed. That's before I even consider the prospect of future relationships, dating etc (I'll save that for another time when I feel ready). I feel so much loss regarding future plans of starting a family, and feel a sense of time pressure at being nearly 40 and having to start again.
In an ideal world (apart from in one where none of this happened) I would cut all ties, move back home to be nearer to family and friends, commute to work (keeping my current job). The selfish single me thinks that I would have to be the one to give up my pets, but I feel a huge sense of guilt when I do, yet sole care for them also makes me anxious when I leave them alone at times.
Any survival tips out there to help me figure this out, please share.
Thanks for listening.
I'm new here and not sure how this works, but I felt that I needed somewhere to post my story that was neutral to my situation. I don't feel like I can continually talk about it with friends and family, and I am also interested in what others would do if they were in my place.
back story
I'm male, 38 and until very recently was in a relationship of 10 years, of which we were married for 18 months. 4 months prior to our wedding my wife admitted to having an emotional affair and that she had doubts about getting married. She started counselling and broke contact (She said) with the other guy, we agreed to work together to repair our relationship and she assured me that getting married was what she wanted. Roll forward 18 months with things seeming like we were in a good place, I find out that she is still in contact with the same guy, that she loves him and that she hadn't left because she was a coward/she doesn't know what she wants/only loves me as a brother/we drifted apart et al.
We have been separated for a month now, she says that it is permanent and that she can't see any circumstances in which we would reconcile. But she wants to remain friends. She is currently staying with a friend but we negotiate access to our house and pets, usually involving times when I am out.
I am struggling to adapt. I'm not saying that I am perfect, blameless or not without faults or problems, but I went into our marriage accepting that we would have tough times but wanted it to be forever and wasn't afraid to work on things together. I thought she wanted the same. We have a home and pets, and had been talking about having a family together prior to the wedding planning.
I have to accept that it is over, and I know that if I stand any chance of regaining my individual/single identity I need to break all contact with her. I can't be friends, I'm all in or nothing as far as our relationship is concerned, I can't compartmentalise it in the way she wants. I am struggling with the emotional ups and downs, but I know that this is normal. It's the practical things that are making healing unnecessarily harder than it could be and suck me into a difficult spiral.
There are several practical issues that are making me feel stuck. We are both financially tied to our house for at least another 15 months due to penalties if we exit our mortgage early, which neither of us can afford to do. We have our beloved pets that we both love but ultimately we will have to accept that one of us will have to care for them our own, with the other losing out. In addition to this, I moved away from my friends and family to live with my wife. I started a new job locally, and while I feel socially isolated I love my job so the house works OK for me in this respect.
Emotionally I am broken, I didn't want any of this, how do I find the strength to move forward? When I do take a breath and try to be positive I feel selfish or conflicted, then the self doubt kicks in and I'm back to feeling overwhelmed. That's before I even consider the prospect of future relationships, dating etc (I'll save that for another time when I feel ready). I feel so much loss regarding future plans of starting a family, and feel a sense of time pressure at being nearly 40 and having to start again.
In an ideal world (apart from in one where none of this happened) I would cut all ties, move back home to be nearer to family and friends, commute to work (keeping my current job). The selfish single me thinks that I would have to be the one to give up my pets, but I feel a huge sense of guilt when I do, yet sole care for them also makes me anxious when I leave them alone at times.
Any survival tips out there to help me figure this out, please share.
Thanks for listening.
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