Stuck...

[Broken_one]

Hi,

I'm new here and not sure how this works, but I felt that I needed somewhere to post my story that was neutral to my situation. I don't feel like I can continually talk about it with friends and family, and I am also interested in what others would do if they were in my place.

back story

I'm male, 38 and until very recently was in a relationship of 10 years, of which we were married for 18 months. 4 months prior to our wedding my wife admitted to having an emotional affair and that she had doubts about getting married. She started counselling and broke contact (She said) with the other guy, we agreed to work together to repair our relationship and she assured me that getting married was what she wanted. Roll forward 18 months with things seeming like we were in a good place, I find out that she is still in contact with the same guy, that she loves him and that she hadn't left because she was a coward/she doesn't know what she wants/only loves me as a brother/we drifted apart et al.

We have been separated for a month now, she says that it is permanent and that she can't see any circumstances in which we would reconcile. But she wants to remain friends. She is currently staying with a friend but we negotiate access to our house and pets, usually involving times when I am out.

I am struggling to adapt. I'm not saying that I am perfect, blameless or not without faults or problems, but I went into our marriage accepting that we would have tough times but wanted it to be forever and wasn't afraid to work on things together. I thought she wanted the same. We have a home and pets, and had been talking about having a family together prior to the wedding planning.

I have to accept that it is over, and I know that if I stand any chance of regaining my individual/single identity I need to break all contact with her. I can't be friends, I'm all in or nothing as far as our relationship is concerned, I can't compartmentalise it in the way she wants. I am struggling with the emotional ups and downs, but I know that this is normal. It's the practical things that are making healing unnecessarily harder than it could be and suck me into a difficult spiral.

There are several practical issues that are making me feel stuck. We are both financially tied to our house for at least another 15 months due to penalties if we exit our mortgage early, which neither of us can afford to do. We have our beloved pets that we both love but ultimately we will have to accept that one of us will have to care for them our own, with the other losing out. In addition to this, I moved away from my friends and family to live with my wife. I started a new job locally, and while I feel socially isolated I love my job so the house works OK for me in this respect.

Emotionally I am broken, I didn't want any of this, how do I find the strength to move forward? When I do take a breath and try to be positive I feel selfish or conflicted, then the self doubt kicks in and I'm back to feeling overwhelmed. That's before I even consider the prospect of future relationships, dating etc (I'll save that for another time when I feel ready). I feel so much loss regarding future plans of starting a family, and feel a sense of time pressure at being nearly 40 and having to start again.

In an ideal world (apart from in one where none of this happened) I would cut all ties, move back home to be nearer to family and friends, commute to work (keeping my current job). The selfish single me thinks that I would have to be the one to give up my pets, but I feel a huge sense of guilt when I do, yet sole care for them also makes me anxious when I leave them alone at times.

Any survival tips out there to help me figure this out, please share.

Thanks for listening.

[Angeldestiny33]

I think life breaks each of us in different ways. Sometimes all we can do is take it day by day. I'm a person of faith so I pray for guidance daily. If you are a person of faith you can do this as well. If not just take time to consider what would be best for you, your pets and your ex.

[Elliot]

They say that for every action, there is a reaction. This is so true when it comes to dealing with divorce emotions. In a divorce one is faced with a myriad of issues to deal with like the children, the house, the car, the furniture or even the pets.

People handle divorce in many different ways. Some have no reaction and just go through the motions of divorcing and getting on with their lives. If only everyone could be like that. But, as you know we are human and we are governed by our emotions.

You might realize that in just a few days you will loose your home. It was a place of refuge, a place where the family grew, but sadly was also a place where heartache and sadness took hold. Loosing ones home can spark of strong negative emotions which will be very counterproductive.

It is a natural thing to fight for what you love. Giving up property in a divorce is one of the most difficult things to do. It is a stumbling block for many divorce lawyers as it delays the divorce, which in turn causes more hurtful emotions.

One should always keep in mind that divorce is not death. If you could separate your emotions from the actual divorce and realize that it would be better for all concerned not to have negative emotions, then your divorce would be so much easier. Sometimes it would be advisable to give up stuff for the sake of peace of mind.

There is also the problem with depression. You might not realize it, but depression is one of the worst situations to be in, especially when it comes to dealing with divorce emotions. You might not want to get out of bed today. Sometimes this could be a good thing, but not for long. You need time to process your divorce and letting your mind be quite for a while, will help you put things into a better perspective.

[Judith]

Taking good care of yourself during a divorce is not always top of mind for a man. But it should be. Surviving a divorce takes more than choosing a good attorney and avoiding financial troubles. You need to be healthy both physically and mentally to endure what usually becomes a long ordeal.

Working Out

A man dealing with divorce needs to get to the gym or workout on a regular basis. The anger, depression and sleeplessness you experience can take a massive toll on your health, your job, your parenting skills and your relationships.

By taking care of your cardiovascular system, you keep a lot of that bad stuff away. Endorphins released during cardio exercise will help stabilize your moods. You will not only feel better about yourself, but you will start to look better as well. You will drop pounds, reactivate muscles, think more clearly and sleep soundly. All of which are critical if you want to be an effective part of your divorce solution.

If you don't know where to start, consider getting a personal trainer on board to put you on the right program. In many cases, you get a free consultation after joining most fitness facilities such as 24 Hour Fitness.

Eating Healthy

Poor nutrition is another bad side-effect of divorce for men. You either don't feel like eating a healthy meal because you have no appetite, or you're hungry but don't want to cook so you load up on junk and fast food. If you drink too many beers, wine or cocktails, you set yourself up for feeling anything but healthy. None of which will help you deal with the heavyweight issues divorce usually requires such as finances, child custody and your future!

The world renown Mayo Clinic gives you a reasonable alternative and cheat sheet so you get proper nutrition. Proper nutrition means more energy for you. Here is their advice:

• Eat more fruits, vegetables and whole grains
• Reduce intake of animal foods (eat more fish and chicken)
• Substitute healthy plant fats in place of saturated and trans fats
• Limit sweets and salt
• Control portion sizes and calories you consume
• Limit alcohol to 1-2 drinks per day.

Getting Sleep

Too many men accept the fact that insomnia or sleeplessness just comes with a divorce. You are constantly worrying about things, asking yourself questions like "what if I lose this or that." It can be extremely challenging to disengage your brain when all you want to do is catch some sleep.

Without sleep, you will not be mentally sharp when you talk with your attorney. You won't be emotionally stable when you perform your job. And you won't be "present" when you spend time with your children.

Working out and eating healthy helps a man sleep better.If you still suffer from getting a good night's sleep after a week or so, you need to talk to your doctor. A nighttime sleep aid can work wonders. Many of them prescribed today are non habit-forming. So don't hesitate to call your doctor if you find yourself suffering from poor sleep.