I dont know what to do about my marriage..

[lolmarielol]

Hi..so I'm 23 years old female who graduated college in decemeber and im married to my wife whos 25 and joined the military in april and we have been married since march.
Shes got orders to go to Kentucky for her duty station and i have agreed to come with. But my mom whos 60 years old with rheumatoid arthritis is moving to an adult community 55+ that i found for her in new jersey (im from new york) around the same time we are moving. I want to help my mom pack and move her stuff because well shes old. And i want to make sure she is okay. I also need to help her set up to get a car for when she moves to new jersey. I showed my wife pictures of the house and i was excited for my mom. Its 2 bed one bath back yard front yard etc and one of the rooms are going to be for me or anyone that visits. My wife said that i was acting like a fucking child whos more excited about having a room at her moms house than to live with her spouse and im not even going to be there until she deployed to iraq next September. And then i said...uhm excuse me im allowed to visit my mom anytime i wish what are you talking about next September. You are saying i cant visit my mom until you leave NEXT year? And then she said sorry and that she got jealous.
I asked her how will housing work for me when she deployes to iraq for 9 months? And she said that i can move in with my mom and i told her that i want to stay in Kentucky because im turning one of the rooms into an office for i work remotely for a video game company and I've started up a 3D printing jewelry business on the side. She said okay but my mom isnt allowed to visit her house...my mom and my wife or rather my wife got into a fight with my mom. I live in a very crass african american humour household. My whole family kinda has a big mouth and all filled with the sterotypes. My wife is white and comes from a very religious kinda strict but close family. My mom said to my wife Courtney hey it looks like ur getting alittle fat! And Courtney said nah its the jacket and then my mom said to me it looks like ur getting a little fat too and im like HELL YEAH DAT ASS FAT its just the way we joke around. Courtney took serious offense but my mom apologized to her. She was still angry. That and my mom can get very loud and mouthy and Courtney doesnt want my mom near her family. And she made me choose between her or my mom before we got married calling my mom a psycho bitch and then started calling me names...she speaks so negatively about my mom and it bothers me. My mom talks so positively about Courtney even tho shes herd me and my wife argue alot and knows what courtney has put me through. My wife speaks negatively of almost all of my friends. Ive stoped talking to my bff of 12 years because my wife..hit me a couple of years ago and my bff Emily called her out in fb messenger and Courtney didnt like it. When i didnt have a job i was stuck i didnt know if i should have gotten a job because Courtney said the fact that i put my personal goals before her makes me a bad wife and im horrible and a bitch and etc because i wanted to stay in nyc while she was in the army. I stayed unemployed and got really depressed. I found a job that will let me be remote now so thats great and i have a jewelry side business. I told my wife that i wanted to go back to new york once a month or once every 2 months to sell stuff at brooklyn's artist and fleas and she got mad at me because "why do you always have to go to new york again you put your friends and your mom and your personal goals over me" and im like...but ill be living with you i just wanna go back to new york to sell stuff and not waste my time at small festivals because my audience is geared towards...hip stuff. The general millineal i guess. Brooklyn is great for that and nyc is great for fashion in general. And its really cheap..250 for a table for one weekend. She said that im a cunt and if i wanna live in new york so bad then to divorce her and give her back all the money she spent on me to get my business rolling... I also Have to go to meetings every couple of months because my other job at Empower Games as a 3D artist i have to attend in person meetings from time to time and she hates that i work with all men but i cant help that...its the field thats why i have a jewlery side business because theres more women than men and it wont bother her but due to the technical aspects of still doing 3d and 3d printing, theres still alot of men tjat comment on my instagram and follow me and etc.
Like what am i to do? Everything i do displeases her and is it bad i wanna be there for my mom when she moves too? Shes old and needs help. My wife is able-bodied. What am i doing wrong?
My wife also gets mad at trival stuff like facebook posts. I posted a wholesome meme once a picture of a cartoon guy saying what i want is to make money doing what i love and support my family
She got pissed off because it was a guy saying the quote and that its gross and i act like a fucking man. Its a facebook post...why are you gettibg mad at a wholesome meme? And i posted memes about male bisexuality and how males also can have domestic abuse relationships and she got mad and said why do i care about men so fucking much since i care so much about them to go marry one...
Whay am i to do...? Like i just dont understand. She constantly says idk how to be in a marriage or relationship and that idk how to leave the past in the past like my friends and mom and etc. And then shes always threatening to divorce me. I'm trying my absolute best to make her happy but what about me? I love my mom even tho shes difficult sometimes and i love my friends. I love both my work and i love my wife why does everything always need to be prioritized? I'm sorry for the very long post i just dont known what to do..

[Ben]

There is no doubt that a man knows best, how to deal with both the mother and wife in conflicting situations. Therefore, it is important for a man to don the role of a peace maker. Before you wonder how to proceed, here is an important piece of information that can help you solve your problem:

Traditional societies have set up a code of conduct for both a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law.

A mother-in-law is conditioned to have a formal relationship with her daughter-in-law. She is discouraged to be friendly, encouraged to be strict, speak less, take on the role of a mentor, listing the dos and don't s, the suitable and unsuitable, keeping a tab on her daughter-in-law's behavior. Where do you think this kind of schooling originates from? The answer: there are a lot of women, friends and relatives who train a mother to behave like a mother-in-law. All this is done to gain respect and maintain the authority over the newcomer: daughter-in-law. It may sound very ridiculous and offensive to some but it is true!

The daughter-in-law on the other hand is taught to impress her family, do her best to be in the good books, be obedient, and strictly advised not to voice out her opinions. In traditional families women are not encouraged to speak out and if one raises her voice she is labelled as a product of bad parenting. Many women post marriage transform to become a person unlike their self.

From what I stated above it becomes clear that when two individuals adopt socially acceptable behavior, personally they can never live on good terms. Here is a list of what a man can do to erase the differences between the two:

Interaction: help your mother and wife interact with each other on an informal level. At weekends, play games, go on a picnic, a movie. Enroll both of them to a music class or a gym. Do anything depending on your family's preferences, as this will improve communication between the two.

Responsibility: some mother's still prefer to be dictators leaving the daughter-in-law no option but to follow the orders. Encourage your mother and wife to take turns in managing the household responsibilities. This will give both of them the freedom to do what they like, reducing the friction.

Divide and rule: in extreme situations where things get worse day by day, try to keep the two away from each other for some time. Encourage your wife to pursue her hobbies and your mother to engage in activities that please her. Diverting their mind, can ease the tension and calm them. Meditation is another important activity that can reduce anger, bitterness and enlighten them about the benefits of living in harmony.

Don't take sides: the biggest mistake a man does is taking sides. Stop convincing your mother that your wife has done wrong unknowingly and stop convincing your wife that your mother did not intend to offend her. This will only add fuel to the fiery battle between the two, leaving you at the receiving end.

Counseling: a man can indirectly influence his mother's and wife's attitude towards each other. You don't have to sign up for a professional counseling course, but have the knack to change their mindsets. Talk to your mother about changing with times, being more liberal with your wife, citing examples. Talk to your wife about communicating with your mother, voicing out her opinions without offending your mother's sentiments or disrespecting her.

Privacy: most men discuss a lot about their wife with their mother. Conversations between husband and wife should remain personal and not a topic of discussion with the family. Your wife will feel hurt if she gets to know that you pass on her personal information to your mother and will stop confiding in you.

The battle between the mother and wife is age-old. The constant conflicts between the two have a negative impact on the family, disrupting peace and harmony. It's high time, we break the stereotype, change the attitude, and adopt a new and more liberal approach towards this relationship, shared by the mother and wife!

[Sandra]

You most first realize you are married. So, you wife needs your attention as well as your mom. However, you must give more attention to you wife. At the same time, don't neglect your mom, so you need to balance things.

You must be wise and act maturely.