long term marriage and sex issue

[sergio99]

Married for 25 years. Wife and I in 40's. Over the years we've occasionally argued about sex - frequency (I need more), variety (I want more), and who initiates (she rarely does). Recently we've had the stress of a teenager and work. For most of our marriage except a few stretches, we've had sex 3-4 times per week. Very good overall but at times a little boring. Now, sex frequency and variety has dropped off. Overall we have little passion inside or outside the bedroom anymore. The stresses of life have been a major factor. Whenever I bring up these things about sex we just argue, with me coming out mostly in the wrong and she rarely admits only a few faults making me think it is either my fault or just circumstances. My wife has somewhat lost desire and says it is partly because of my lack of romance. She says the only time I give her physical attention is when we are having sex. She says any affection by her outside bedroom is considered sexual by me. So, she gives me little physical affection outside the bedroom. This has been an issue for many years between us. She never turns me down for sex but obviously does nothing to initiate or seduce me. Often she says just have my way with her and make it up later, another day to her. She almost never wears perfume. She wears ratty old clothes to bed. It's like she will do her duty but her passion is elsewhere. She orgasms frequently but it often takes a vibrator or talking dirty in her ear to get her off. Then when we discuss our sex life she complains about my lack of romance and obsession with dirty talk and kinky things (never mind she has enjoyed some kinkiness and naughtiness in the past). She has gone mostly. vanilla in bed - plain missionary style, intercourse only for most part, most foreplay done by me. I'm frustrated and confused. I have no one to talk with. I really think we need a reset, but I'm not sure exactly where to go from here. She has complained about my lack of romance and affection for years, while I've complained about lack of frequency and variety. We have had a lot of mind blowing sex I thought but we have lost passion and things are getting boring for me. Over 25 years a lot of damage is done. Is this fixable and how do we get the newlywed passion back? We are becoming more like roommates with boring sex benefits. I'm worried we are both giving up a little.

[Caroline]

First off, I'm going to list several things that you can do, but it probably isn't going to improve your situation...

-- Complain
-- Nag
-- Blame
-- Guilt-trip
-- Pressure
-- Give an Ultimatum

None of these responses toward your spouse will probably bring positive changes to your sexless marriage. In fact, they will most likely drive your wife further away.

Instead, try this advice...

Identify what's standing in the way of sexual intimacy.
If you want to stay in your marriage and start having sex again with your wife, it's important for you to get out of a blaming mode of thinking, speaking and acting. Get curious about what habits, beliefs and experiences of both you and your woman that may be standing in the way of you two making love regularly.

It could be your busy schedules that just about never overlap. It might be unresolved tensions and conflict between you two that are a constant turn-off. It may be sexual abuse or trauma that either of you experienced in the past that remains unacknowledged or unhealed. There may be health challenges that make sex difficult or unappealing to either of you.

If it seems to you that your woman is the one who is always saying "no" and stopping the two of you from having sex, this might be true-- in part. It's quite likely that there is some dynamic that you also play a part in that is negatively impacting your intimacy in the bedroom too.

As you get a clearer idea of what is standing in the way of you and your wife regularly making love, brainstorm possible ways to start to dissolve those blocks.

Re-prioritize your lives to make time and energy for lovemaking if you two are always too busy. Seek help from a health care professional if health challenges are going on. Learn strategies and work with a trained professional if either of you is struggling to heal from past abuse.

And, by all means, have the courage to acknowledge the built-up resentments and anger from ongoing or past disagreements and be the first one to take a step toward resolving them.

Work with your woman to re-discover sex together.
Above all, if you're going to stay in this marriage, you're going to want to work with instead of against your woman to bring improvements.

You two can re-connect as you re-discover sexual intimacy with one another.

Start out slow and make sure that you keep communicating about what feels good, what is comfortable, what is turning you both on (and what is not). Stay open and creative.

There may be different ways that your spouse will be intimate or sexual with you now than she was in the past. Make sure that you are sensitive to her needs and wants as well as honest about your own.

Invite yourself to have fun with this. Focus in on the intimate connections you ARE making with one another, that may or may not be sexual. This can take you closer to having more sex again and closer to one another in the process.

[Sammy]

Being a non-romantic person, I do not ordinarily advise people on such issues as romance and love, but there are still a few tried and tested ways to improve the one's post-marital bedroom life. It is not my wisdom at work here, for all that I am doing is put together the widely agreed upon opinion of the people experienced in these matters. Marriages, or such other long-standing, marriage-like relationships tend to dampen the passionate side of the bond, and this is generally because when people get too used to each other, the spark of surprise peters out turning the marriage into a boring everyday affair. Therefore, the solution lies in bringing the element of surprise back into the bedroom. Let's have a look at a few things that you might try to bring back the titillating romance of the kind that you shared when you started dating.

1. Bedroom is private space meant for romance, and it is entirely up to you to let your bedroom be just a bedroom or turn it into a little, sweet place meant for love-play. So, scented candles, romantically patterned curtains and bedsheets work wonders, and if you have a nice music system playing romantic ballads, it's the cherry on the cake. You can always plan a surprise home-coming for your partner when he or she is to return from a tiring tour or a grueling day at work. It would make him or her feel your care, and nothing turns people on like genuine care.
2. Try new things in bed. There are loads of position that you haven't tried mostly because either they are a little too inconvenient or are too acrobatic for your rather inflexible physical constitution. You can still try to get into those exotic positions for the fun of it for a short duration before switching back back to your favorite one. The novelty of a new position would keep things exciting.
3. A little, thoughtful gift for no reason and on a day that is not really an occasion is really heart-warming for just about anyone. So, you can go to the market and pick something that he or she would like to have, but would consider buying it a waste of money. A caring gesture goes a long way in bringing the romance back into your life.

Those were three simple ways of bringing the lost romance back into your bedroom. Of course, there are many more ways, but these three almost never fail unless there are some bigger and deeper issues preventing the marriage from running smoothly, in which case you might consider visiting a marriage counselor.