Husband's behavior

[Rajeet]

How would you feel if your husband gets cold/has an attitude and basically ignores you bc your didn't have sex four 4 days. We have a pretty active sex life sometimes it's 4-5 times a weeks others is 2. I don't plan this, it's just life. This week was a little hectic and we haven't had sex. one day I got home late with the kids and yesterday I tried and he shrugged me off bc he was already mad. I tried talking to him and it's almost impossible bc he has it already in his head that I don't initiate sex and I fall asleep on purpose. I try but sometimes he's hard to judge. He can be in a bad mood from work and it's like I can't even talk to him but I'm suppose to be oh hey let's have sex. And honestly he can be rude and than I'm like forget it. Then he doesn't say anything so he goes to bed. I just can't keep thinking I better not fall asleep early tonight bc we didn't have sex in 2 days and then he will hold it against me. I think ridiculous but just want other opinions

[Judith]

It sounds like you’re in a tough spot, feeling the strain of your husband's reaction to a temporary lapse in your sex life. It’s understandable to feel confused, hurt, and perhaps even a bit frustrated when your partner gets cold or gives you an attitude over something as personal and intimate as sex. Relationships are complex, and sexual intimacy is a significant aspect, but it's not the only aspect.

Firstly, it’s important to acknowledge that life gets hectic. Between work, kids, and other responsibilities, sometimes the desire or opportunity for sex just doesn’t align perfectly. This is a normal part of life and doesn’t mean that either partner is at fault. Your usual frequency of intimacy—whether it’s 4-5 times a week or 2 times a week—shows that you generally have a healthy and active sex life. A busy week or two where things don't align perfectly should be seen as a minor hiccup, not a major issue.

When your husband gets cold or ignores you because you haven't had sex in four days, it can feel very isolating and unfair. You might feel as though your efforts to balance everything are unrecognized. His response might be stemming from a place of feeling neglected or unloved, which can cause anyone to act out in frustration. However, it’s also crucial that he understands the practical demands of daily life and how they can impact your sexual relationship.

Communication is key in situations like these, but it sounds like your attempts to talk to him are met with resistance. This can be incredibly frustrating. One approach you might consider is finding a neutral, calm time to express how his reactions are making you feel. Avoiding these conversations during heated moments can prevent additional conflict. You might say something like, "I’ve noticed that when we don’t have sex for a few days, it creates tension between us. I want us to feel connected and close, but sometimes life gets in the way. How can we work together to make sure we both feel loved and appreciated, even during busy times?"

His perception that you don't initiate sex or fall asleep on purpose can be challenging to address. It’s important to clarify that your intentions are not to avoid intimacy but rather that you are often tired and juggling many responsibilities. Reassure him that you value your intimate moments and perhaps suggest scheduling some "us time" where you can both relax and reconnect without any pressure.

It’s also worth considering his emotional state. If he is coming home from work in a bad mood, this can understandably affect the dynamic between you two. You might try finding small ways to help him transition from work mode to home mode. Sometimes simple gestures like a hug, a warm greeting, or a few moments of undivided attention can help ease the tension and pave the way for more meaningful interactions later.

Moreover, fostering an environment where both partners feel comfortable and unpressured to initiate intimacy is important. Maybe exploring non-sexual ways to connect—like a shared hobby, watching a show together, or even just talking about your day—can help reinforce your bond. Physical intimacy is crucial, but emotional intimacy is equally important.

Feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, worried about falling asleep early or fearing the repercussions of not having sex, is not sustainable. It’s essential for both partners to feel secure and valued in the relationship. Mutual understanding and patience are key. Your feelings and needs are just as important as his, and finding a balanced approach to intimacy is part of maintaining a healthy relationship.

Lastly, remember to be kind to yourself. It’s easy to get caught up in the pressures of being a partner, parent, and worker, but your well-being matters too. Taking time for self-care and ensuring that you feel good physically and emotionally can also positively impact your relationship.

Navigating this situation requires a combination of open, honest communication, patience, and finding small ways to reconnect despite life’s demands. It's about building an understanding where both partners feel heard, valued, and loved. This balance can help alleviate some of the tension and lead to a more harmonious and fulfilling relationship.

[Clay]

I can totally understand why you're feeling frustrated, hurt, and confused about the situation with your husband. It's like, you're trying to navigate this complex emotional landscape, and it's hard to know what to do or say to make things better.

First of all, let me just say that it's completely normal for couples to have ebbs and flows in their sexual intimacy. Life gets busy, and sometimes it's just not possible to have sex as frequently as you'd like. And honestly, it's great that you have a pretty active sex life to begin with! Four to five times a week is definitely above average, so kudos to you both for making an effort to prioritize your physical connection.

But what's really concerning here is the way your husband is reacting to the lack of sex. It's like, he's giving you the cold shoulder, ignoring you, and basically making you feel like you're not doing your job as a partner. And that's just not okay. You deserve so much better than that.

I think what's really going on here is that your husband is feeling insecure or frustrated about something else in his life, and he's taking it out on you. Maybe he's having a tough time at work, or maybe he's feeling overwhelmed with responsibilities at home. Whatever it is, it's not your fault, and it's not fair to make you feel like you're the problem.

And let's talk about this idea that you're not initiating sex enough. I mean, come on, you're trying to have a conversation with him, and he's already got it in his head that you're not interested. That's not a fair or healthy dynamic. You should be able to communicate your desires and needs without fear of judgment or rejection.

And what's with the assumption that you're falling asleep on purpose? That's just ridiculous. You're a busy person with kids, and sometimes you get tired. It's not like you're trying to avoid intimacy or connection with your husband. You're just trying to survive and take care of yourself and your family.

I think what you need to do is take a step back and re-evaluate the way you're communicating with your husband. You need to find a way to talk to him that doesn't feel like you're walking on eggshells or trying to avoid conflict. You need to be able to express your feelings and needs without fear of being shut down or rejected.

And honestly, it might be helpful to have a conversation with your husband about what's really going on beneath the surface. Is he feeling insecure or frustrated about something else in his life? Is there something specific that's causing him to react this way? You need to get to the root of the issue and address it together.

But in the meantime, don't put so much pressure on yourself to perform or initiate sex. You're not a machine, and you can't just turn it on and off whenever your husband wants. You need to prioritize your own emotional and physical well-being, and that means taking care of yourself and setting boundaries when you need to.

And finally, remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness by your partner. You deserve to feel seen and heard and understood. If your husband can't provide that for you, then maybe it's time to re-evaluate the relationship and figure out what's really going on.

I hope this helps, and I'm sending you all my love and support. Remember, you're not alone, and you're doing the best you can. That's all anyone can ask for.