Should I wait for them, hook up or move on?

[Mboi]

Hey peeps,

So I'm in college and this freshman girl I liked and have been hanging out with confessed to me online. We met and talked about it and she didn't want to get into a relationship but was up for a hook-up. The thing is I didn't know she was that kinda person till then - she's never had sex but has made out with guys. I liked her for something deeper and I couldn't bring myself to be up for the hook-up cos I knew I'd get attached. She said she wanted to try out new things while she could and didn't want to get tied to a relationship and didn't see herself getting into a relationship anytime soon.

After the talk we just decided to be friends, but I'm starting to beat myself up at not hooking up with her and I'm getting also a bit hung up about her. Some people say to wait for her and others say to move on because it seems like she doesn't see me as someone she can get with long-term. I'm now at this point where I'm regretting turning down the hook-up but it's still not too late to go for it. Should I wait for her, try to hook-up or move on? Also, do yous think that she only sees me as a hook-up and nothing more?

[Bradwin]

She doesn't just see you only as a hookup, she is just not ready for a relationship now. I think you should respect her wish about not wanting to be in a relationship. Also, I will suggest you move on because hooking up with her and hoping she will change her mind will make you end up wasting your time. There are better girls out there, so don't let one person destroy your chances of a thousand opportunities.

[Bella]

If you are feeling bad for not hooking up with her, then it's not too late because you can still do that. All you have to do is to have a talk with her and let her know you want to hook-up with her, she is still very much open to that even now.

[Julia]

Sometimes the best thing you can take from this kind of disaster is to learn something from the experience. Often in life, attraction isn't really a choice. Think about your own past loves. Do you really know why you were mesmerized by those girls?

If you can accept that it wasn't your fault, then it will be easier to believe that it won't always be this way. You can also learn some things about women that will help you to have more confidence with them in future.

• A nice guy isn't the same as a desirable guy. If a girl tells you you're a nice guy, it means that she enjoys your company. It doesn't necessarily mean that she wants to date you or sleep with you - she may have put you in the Friend Zone.
• When a girl flirts with you, it doesn't automatically follow that she's crazy about you. She may think you're attractive, but she may still have her own reasons why she doesn't want to date you.
• She might be undecided - and eventually decide against you. Sometimes a flirtatious friendship might look as if it's leading to love, but before it does your girl moves on - without you. She may have been unsure whether you were right for her, and in the end she just decided you weren't.
• Love isn't fair. The girl you want may be madly in love with someone else, and unable to see you in the midst of her passion for him. Or she may already have a boyfriend. Sometimes you just have to accept that she's not for you.
• You're just not her type. Some people have a particular 'type' they find attractive, and you don't fit the description. We all have choices, and you wouldn't date a girl who didn't attract you.
• Learn to accept the inevitable. Try not to hold on to anger against her or fate. Nobody wins all the time. People who are angry at life are never attractive.

Learning to deal with rejection without losing your cool shows strength and character, which are always attractive to women. Remember that everyone faces rejection at some time in their life, including Mr Super-Stud. It's how you get past it that counts.

How to get over a girl and move on

Now that you've accepted your loss, you need the answer to how to get over a girl you like. So try these steps to improve your attraction quotient and move on at the same time.

• Give it time. Don't expect to feel better overnight. Accept that you need the discipline to keep yourself distracted until the wound heals.
• Push her out of your mind. When the thought of her creeps in, have some distractions ready to think about instead. Especially avoid following her on Facebook or any other social media. This is where you need your discipline. The more you train yourself not to think of her, the easier and more natural it becomes.
• Don't try to change into the kind of guy you think she wants. Someday you'll find a girl who'll love you exactly the way you are. Making more effort to please a girl who has turned you down makes you look needy and pathetic. Is that really what you want?
• Don't make a big deal of it. Getting drunk and boring your friends on the subject of your lost love won't make you more attractive - to any girl. Put it down to experience and don't let it ruin your life.
• Don't keep your hopes up. If she said no once, the chances are that she won't change her mind. It's not worth putting your life on hold for the slender hope that she will.
• Don't romanticize her. People always want what they can't have. Don't turn her into your unattainable goddess who will love you once you are richer/more sophisticated/ripped/in a band/a film star. None of this matters to a girl who is worthy of you. Forget her, and go out and find one.
• Don't hold a grudge. She has a right to say no, just like you don't have to respond to a girl you don't find attractive. Accept her decision and move on. Plotting some dastardly revenge will only make you obsess about her even more.
• Find someone else. This is the best answer to how to get over a girl you like. Being in love with someone who loves you back will make you happy; and also more desirable in other girls' eyes. Who knows, you lost love may find herself regretting her decision, and then you can allow yourself a small moment of schadenfreude.

Remember that no-one is so wonderful that their loss can't be endured. And if you never managed to date her in the first place, then what you have lost only existed in your imagination. No matter how powerful your dreams, you have not lost something that was real.

So try to keep your feelings in proportion. Concentrate of forgetting her and finding someone else, and you'll find that is the best answer to how to get over a girl who doesn't like you back.